Fatigue Syndrome: The Lassitude

Kyeoul didn’t even get angry when I threw trash at him. I remembered you on that summer day when you smiled cheerfully, saying you had loved enough.

Tactlessly, the phone vibrated again. The screen lit up, illuminating the surroundings. The content was hidden by my hand. It was even better that way. I didn’t want to show Kyeoul such… No. He shouldn’t have seen it. Kyeoul shouldn’t hate me because of such a misunderstanding.

His gaze turned to my phone. I gripped the phone even tighter. I wanted to hide somewhere. I wonder if those feelings he said he didn’t regret still remained? My stomach ached painfully.

I couldn’t take my eyes off Kyeoul’s face. As if I was drunk, the whole world except you was swaying violently. I felt nauseous, as if I was on a ship in a stormy sea.

He seemed to be calmly waiting for me. As if he could calmly ignore any reaction from me.

There were things I saw because I had known Kyeoul for a long time. A barely noticeable decrease in warmth. Your mood that seemed a bit depressed. The empty rice bowl and still resolutely curved lips.

Before me was you, a little more grown-up than those times. Feeling… awkward with me.

“Why, why doesn’t it matter…”

“Ithae, does it really matter?”

“…Huh?”

“Who I meet, when I come home. Does this information really matter to you?”

Kyeoul’s calm question pierced my chest like a sharp weapon. I inhaled, not even feeling the pain. It seemed he was asking sincerely, without jokes or play. Does the answer to this question really have value for me?

To be honest, yes. There were days when I wasn’t interested. No, there were many such days. There were days when Kyeoul was hidden by other things, and I pretended I had completely forgotten about him. Anyway, unlike in the past, Kyeoul rarely left the house, and if something happened, he always contacted me first… Because he was the only person who stayed by my side, even if he behaved like that.

…Was I really not interested? Or was there just no need to ask because Kyeoul always told me everything in advance before I had time to think about it? For his worthless partner. That is, out of care, so that I wouldn’t accidentally wait for him if he was late. Although I wasn’t really waiting for you.

Cracks were gradually forming under my feet.

Only I stood on them. You weren’t there. Kyeoul’s world was still so calm that it caused discomfort. It seemed as if we were in different worlds.

I opened and closed my mouth. Like a goldfish in an aquarium. Words wouldn’t come out. Only air bubbles burst. I had to somehow refute this. Say that you are the most important person in the world to me, and that I can’t live a second without you. I wanted to convince Kyeoul by saying the obvious truth. But.

I couldn’t move forward, as if I had stepped on a piece of glass on the street with my bare foot.

“Ah, you. You, Kyeoul. I mean…”

How can you have no significance for me. I mean, this…

While I was stuttering, thinking what to say next, I felt the vibration in my hand again. This time it didn’t end with one time, but continued to sound. As if hurrying me.

Bzzz. The vibration sound crashed into the strange silence. I hurriedly pressed the volume button, surely looking stupid. The uninvited guest who came without warning suddenly dissipated and disappeared again.

Kyeoul laughed.

In fact, I couldn’t help but know. That I was inattentive to him, that I stupidly made another appointment, forgetting about our 7th anniversary with Kyeoul. And that I kept putting Kyeoul on the back burner. All of this was my choice. I knew it but ignored it. Thinking it was okay. That you were the person who could be treated like that…

It’s impossible not to notice such treatment.

“Why don’t you answer the call? It seems to be an important contact.”

And…

If Kyeoul, having already noticed all this treatment, still waited for me?

“Kwon Ithae.”

“…”

If I disappoint you, and you stop considering me your only fate. If I’ve already missed all the chances he gave me. Then what will happen to us?

That is, if all your love has already been exhausted, then the result…

“Let’s break up.”

∞ ∞ ∞

Kyeoul was a boy who shone brightest under the summer sun. We had absolutely nothing in common.

Our classes were at opposite ends, so we never crossed paths, and although rumors about him sometimes reached our class, it wasn’t particularly interesting. For example, such useless news as who he was dating. Maybe that’s why I didn’t expect at all that we would have a point of contact.

He could often be seen in the schoolyard during lunch.

“Hey! Pass to me!”

He was always at the center of the noisy boys’ voices. He easily made his way between the guys with his long arms and legs, leading the ball back and forth. And then he beautifully scored a goal. He was the perfect striker. The one everyone would want to have.

Looking at this in a daze, I understood that it was about people like him that they say “beautiful youth”.

Dressed in a white short-sleeved T-shirt, all sweaty, he was so beautiful in face that he attracted the attention of watching students. Especially, he sometimes showed his toned abs by lifting the upper part of his clothes, as if unaware of his attractiveness.

‘Is he doing this on purpose?’

Probably on purpose. Although I didn’t know his character, I had a vague suspicion that it might be so. How can you not know with such an appearance? Even just standing, he looks like he’s from a magazine cover.

No matter how naive he was, he couldn’t help but know how he looked in the eyes of others. If he didn’t have such an intention, then he was just a born star… I admired him, thinking such empty thoughts.

Until that moment, I couldn’t even imagine that we would have a point of contact. Even if by an incredible coincidence we ended up in the same class next year, we wouldn’t even talk.

We were different from the very beginning. You in the center, and I, circling on the edge, we stood far apart. We were like the sun and earth, beings that should not approach each other.

Nevertheless, looking at him smiling brightly, I couldn’t take my eyes off. I wanted to see such a beautifully smiling face up close… Such an empty thought suddenly surfaced.

“…Ah.”

Although he still didn’t know me, I, who already had reached peak internal closeness, could recognize him even by a doll. As soon as I saw him, I stopped dead in my tracks, making a stupid sound. He didn’t seem to think this exclamation was directed at him and was carelessly flipping through a textbook.

This was the moment when I first saw him at the academy I had been attending for a long time.

It was less than 10 minutes walk from school to the academy. If you walked slowly after evening self-study, you could arrive before the start of the lesson. I usually put my bag in my usual place and went to the bathroom.

Today, nothing changed either.

He was sitting exactly in the seat next to me out of all the free seats. He must have seen that there was a bag there. I felt awkward even breathing because he bothered me. It seemed that I was breathing incorrectly. If the sound of my breathing escaped and attracted his attention, I would probably immediately turn to stone.

‘Why is he… here?’

The confusion was probably clearly reflected on my face, but I didn’t know how to hide it. Moving my numb body with difficulty, I headed to my seat.

I imagined taking my bag and going to another seat, but if I did that, he would probably look at me strangely. For example, he would think that I don’t like him…

I didn’t want him to misunderstand me. And I also didn’t want to move a little bit. I wanted to observe him nearby. Just… a little curiosity appeared. I wonder how a person with such a character behaves.

How does he sit?

I was uncomfortable even breathing, let alone moving. I sat down in my seat with difficulty, creaking. His face, which looked bored, suddenly turned to me. His eyes, sparkling with curiosity, were fixed on me. His gaze wavered. My heart started beating a little faster. Like a very nervous person.

It seemed I needed to say something. I wanted to justify this expectation. Not knowing what to say, I blurted out the first thing that came to mind. A little pitiful.

“Uh… H-hello?”

“Hello!”

He responded to the greeting, smiling brightly as if he had been waiting for me to speak. The deep dimple on one cheek caught my attention. He had a fresh scent, similar to soap. How is this possible? I saw him playing football at lunch today. Shouldn’t he smell of sweat?

I deeply lowered my head, trying to hide my trembling gaze. Shameful. The back of my neck was burning. It was awkward, and this silence was also uncomfortable. Maybe it would have been better if I hadn’t spoken at all? I felt his gaze, but I couldn’t utter a word. I couldn’t even raise my head, let alone speak…

“Listen.”

He casually threw out a topic first. It sounded both indifferent and friendly. I, still with my head down, slightly turned my eyes in his direction. Kyeoul leaned over the desk, staring intently at my face.

I involuntarily squeezed my eyes shut tightly. I wonder how stupid I look. There’s a limit to how shy one can be.

…I’m insanely embarrassed.

“Uh…”

“You’re from the first class, right?”

“Huh? Uh…”

Do I look really stupid right now? The only word that came to my mind was “uh”. And I just nodded my head furiously. I wanted to run into a mouse hole.

I was completely at a loss when the person I had been observing through the window for a long time suddenly spoke to me right in front of me. It felt as if a star from the TV suddenly jumped out and started talking to me.