Fatigue Syndrome: The Lassitude

This was the moment when I should have waited for his answer. However, my mouth was so salty that I just couldn’t bear it. Drrr. The sound of a chair being pushed back rang out loudly. If eyeballs had a rolling sound, they would have rolled very slowly. Ithae’s gaze followed me.

I naturally stood up and headed to the refrigerator. Opening the door, I took out one of the remaining water bottles. The very cold sensation on my fingertips pleased me greatly.

“Ah, and one more thing.”

“…”

“It’s forbidden to say ‘let’s take a break’, to make excuses, and to beg.”

I deliberately didn’t turn to face him. Opening the cap, I drank about half in one gulp.

A devastated expression was not the expression Ithae should have had. However, for some reason, I didn’t want to see Ithae’s face. Even this wasn’t my share. Even if he had crumbled, probably his new cute partner would take his hand and lift him up.

The cold face of my biological mother, which I saw when I ran away from home and declared a break in relations, seemed even less heavy than now. It was just a scratch that couldn’t even be called a wound. However, if it’s a person with whom I shared my heart for 7 years, any expression on his face would undoubtedly return to me as a sufficient wound.

Therefore, I rather hoped that this breakup would remain a turning point in life.

Both for me and for Ithae.

“…”

“We still have a lot to do, we need to sign a contract and all that. Can I turn around? Haven’t you gathered your thoughts yet? Should I leave?”

I slightly squeezed the hand holding the water bottle. There was a “kwatyak” sound – the plastic bottle crumpled. Although anyone could say that Ithae ended this relationship first, it seemed that I became the initiator of the breakup. And not by mutual agreement, but unilaterally.

“…Don’t turn around.”

Finally, Ithae spoke. I deliberately didn’t try to interpret his intonation. As Ithae requested, I stood still, not turning.

The white refrigerator door filled my field of vision like a wall. It seems that when we bought this refrigerator, I put in a little more money. What a pity. And I can’t take it with me.

Thinking about extraneous things, I addressed Ithae:

“So should I just stand here punished?”

After finishing speaking, I suddenly remembered the moment of breaking up with my first partner.

“Kyeoul, I feel like I love you more than you love me, and it hurts my pride. Let’s break up.”

Hearing these words, I quietly nodded. That person’s face was distorted with pain, and I couldn’t respond more than the size of my heart allowed. This was my limit.

It was a quite understandable breakup. I would easily get tired too if the size of our hearts differed. Even if we both tried, there were things that were impossible to overcome.

I quietly hugged him. Whispered that I was grateful that he loved me. That I loved him with all my might too. He nodded, crying. Adding that he understood this too, which is why he so easily agreed to the breakup.

Therefore, Ithae, of course, should know the reason for our breakup, but suddenly, if I don’t say it, he might not understand… Such a ridiculous thought came to my mind.

“Yes.”

A belated answer came.

What should I be standing punished for? I just wanted to break up. Where to start the explanation? In what words should the reason for the breakup, which we both could understand, be expressed?

On the refrigerator, which looked like a clean sheet of paper, rare memories surfaced.

∞ ∞ ∞

I first noticed changes in Ithae due to a significant decrease in the frequency of communication.

No, more precisely, it was the moment when I saw with my own eyes that, although he seemed to be constantly communicating with other people, the priority of my messages was gradually decreasing. I could no longer deny the fact that you had really changed.

That day I had an evening meeting with Ithae.

I arrived earlier than the appointed time and waited for Ithae. I settled on a bench under a tree, a little further from the store where we were supposed to meet, and took out my phone. I sent a message to find out where he was.

[I’m already here, I wonder where our Ithae is?]

After sending the message, I shrank from the cool wind. Ithae didn’t waste time, so I thought that today he would come on time, as usual.

Although when we first started dating, he would come an hour early and wait for me. Of course, it was I who told him that it wasn’t necessary, but I couldn’t help missing the freshness of those times.

The tip of my nose froze from the cold, and I folded my hands and blew hot breath on them. It seemed that the enclosed breath warmed my reddened nose.

At that moment, when I was quietly admiring the low-hanging sunset, I noticed a person walking in the distance. I had the ability to find Ithae wherever he was. So it’s not surprising that I noticed him immediately.

“Oh… it’s Ithae.”

Ithae, walking towards the store, was smiling for some reason and seemed to be texting someone. His quickly moving fingers proved this.

For some reason, I felt that I shouldn’t interfere with this warm atmosphere, and just stood watching him. Ten minutes passed, 20 minutes, but my phone still didn’t vibrate. Despite the fact that he had been looking at his phone for so long.

The appointed time passed.

It seemed that Ithae didn’t even notice that the meeting time had passed, and was completely focused on his phone. He didn’t do this even before we started dating. I wonder how long I’ll have to wait until he notices that I didn’t come.

Usually, I would immediately run up to him, no matter who he was talking to, but today for some reason I hesitated. I felt like an outsider. Like a person outside his circle.

In fact, I noticed this last night.

Ithae was completely absorbed in his phone, not paying attention to me lying on his lap. It was a very boring evening.

Unlike before, Ithae started spending much more time looking at his phone. This was a very unusual scene for him. After all, Ithae not only didn’t have close friends to communicate with, but also considered communication a waste of time.

I stood in a stupor under the dark night sky where the sunset had already passed, not even noticing how my face was freezing from the cold wind. What did Ithae say when I asked who he was talking to? …He said it was a new junior colleague? No, maybe he said it was a work colleague.

I wanted to ask what conversation could be so interesting outside of work hours, but I didn’t. I held back because Ithae looked happy for the first time in a long time.

Finally, Ithae put down his phone. He looked around with a tense expression, as if looking for me. Although it was spring, the still cool wind reminded that the two seasons hadn’t completely separated yet.

A strange state – neither winter nor spring.

Surprisingly, I still didn’t feel any vibration on my phone. Maybe Ithae didn’t want to look for me? I sent a message that I had already arrived. Maybe by this point my message had accidentally been deleted without even being read?

Pushing away strange thoughts, I forced a smile and approached Ithae. Ithae, apparently noticing me, didn’t move from his spot, waiting for me.

I was going to tell a strange story about how I wandered around and discovered an angel if he asked where I had been all this time. So that he wouldn’t feel awkward about being late. Ithae never asked. Where I was, why I was late. He even missed most of my story, replying to messages that kept coming.

“Busy?”

“…Yes-yes.”

To my question, which I couldn’t help but ask, Ithae casually nodded. I see. Busy. I awkwardly averted my eyes. For the first time since the beginning of our relationship with Ithae, the silence was so uncomfortable.

∞ ∞ ∞

If everything had ended with this incident, I would have tried to understand that he really could have had important work matters.

Ithae was always busy communicating with someone, and it could have been a very important matter related to a new project. Yes, I tried to force myself to understand that he was working from home. Even if I already knew that Ithae, who strictly separated work and personal life, was unlikely to do so.

I wanted to believe in Ithae.

I didn’t want to be betrayed by this person whom I once trusted. Even if the whole world didn’t understand what it meant to me, Ithae should have known best. We went through the center of that incident holding hands. That’s why I believed in us, who had overcome this trial.

But an event occurred that clearly divided this faith.

It was a time when the season had fully transitioned into spring. A small leaf was born on the blanso stem. Although it was winter, even in a warm house it couldn’t sprout a new leaf, but finally the little friend slightly poked out its head. I used this as a pretext to immediately set up a date.

“Ithae, blanso had a baby.”

“…What are you saying?”

Ithae was fiddling with his phone again.

“Look here. This tiny leaf. We can’t so ineptly miss the miracle of life being born. This day will never repeat itself. So how about celebrating? I’ll even make a photo card of blanso-baby, okay?”

Ithae reluctantly nodded to my pretext. Very irritably, moving his fingers quickly.

However, I didn’t give in to such behavior. In any case, Ithae agreed, and that was enough. I believed that our hearts were still connected, so I thought we could overcome a temporary stop.

I thought that if I made the date even more beautiful, interesting, and exciting, everything would be alright. In our love story, there were many difficulties, but in the end, we overcame them all. Therefore, I believed that this time too, we just needed to strengthen the shaken love.

Excited about the upcoming date after a long break, I dressed up nicely and went to work. Because of this, the department head asked if I had come to the company for a walk. I didn’t give up and declared: “This is an important day when I’m winning someone’s heart.” Impressed by my enthusiastic answer, the department head patted me on the shoulder and encouraged me, saying I should do my best. I bowed low, promising to live up to his support.

And that night,

Ithae didn’t come to the meeting place.