Fatigue Syndrome: The Lassitude

Kyeoul calmly looked at me with a clear gaze. I wanted to throw a stone into this quiet lake without a single ripple. I hoped it would elicit at least some reaction from Kyeoul. The ominous premonition I had felt since early morning that day gradually took shape and pounced on me, its mouth wide open.

I couldn’t let anyone take him away from me. I already knew how torturous and pitiful it was. Because I had lived through countless moments when I could only look at Kyeoul, unable to reach him.

After meeting Kyeoul, I was unrequitedly in love with him for a very long time. So long that one-sided feeling became a habit. We were different from the very beginning.

Kyeoul was popular even in his school years. He behaved quite cheerfully, making light jokes, but at the same time was a caring person. Those around him couldn’t help but notice. When I first met him at the end of summer, Kyeoul already had a girlfriend.

That girl, who was so beautiful that rumors about her circulated in school, often came to him when he finished classes at the academy. I think her name was… Kim So Yeon? The reason I still remember this name is probably because they were a beautiful couple that looked good together. So much so that I couldn’t even dream of such a thing.

Kim So Yeon loved Kyeoul very much. So much that even I could notice it. When Kyeoul noticed her waiting in front of the academy, his eyes gently shone. Kyeoul, forgetting about me standing nearby, ran to Kim So Yeon and hugged her tightly.

“So Yeon, did you wait long? I didn’t expect it, but I’m so glad to see you. Thank you for coming.”

“Just thinking about meeting you… even waiting was a pleasant excitement.”

For a long time, Kyeoul quietly whispered with Kim So Yeon, exchanging tender words, and only when she pointed at me did Kyeoul turn around. With an expression saying he was sorry he had forgotten about me, and only now noticed that I had been waiting for him.

“Ithae. It seems I need to walk So Yeon home… I’m sorry. I should have said in advance, but I made you wait in vain. But tomorrow I’ll treat you to ice cream!”

“…Okay.”

I foolishly waited, knowing I would be rejected, and soon turned to leave with heavy steps. Behind my back, Kyeoul’s voice shouting “Bye!” was heard.

I couldn’t forget how Kyeoul’s lips gently descended on Kim So Yeon’s cheek. Like a stretched tape playing in slow motion.

From that moment, I had already begun to gradually give my heart to Kyeoul. Slowly, imperceptibly to myself. Although I already knew that I wouldn’t have a single chance, I couldn’t stop. Like a fine rain gradually soaking everything around. My love poured so thinly. Because Kyeoul was a person impossible not to love.

Kyeoul and Kim So Yeon often quarreled, but also made up within a few hours. Usually, they argued over very small things, and in most cases, Kyeoul gave in. As if it was a matter of course. Kyeoul initially had no desire to win arguments with Kim So Yeon.

Jealous of this, trying to ignore my overflowing feelings, I asked Kyeoul. Now, looking back, I understand that it was not just impolite, but even went beyond bounds. Thinking that I meant something to him. Wanting to be someone for him. So… I hoped they would break up because of my words.

Although I didn’t understand myself that I was in love with Kyeoul.

“Kyeoul, you’re too good for this.”

“Huh?”

“Why do you always apologize first, even though she’s at fault?”

That day too, he had quarreled with Kim So Yeon and offered to go for a walk together after extra classes at the academy. Kyeoul turned around, hearing my words thrown as if without any ulterior motive, as simple curiosity. With cold fruit ice in his mouth and his characteristic lazy expression.

The chirping of cicadas could be heard. Blinking, Kyeoul slowly closed and opened his eyes. Not a single car was passing on the road. We two stood in a city full of silence.

“You know… I like this behavior too. These are So Yeon’s whims that she shows only to me.”

“…”

“It’s probably hard for you to understand. Hm, I just want to do everything for her. Maybe I’m… strange?”

Kyeoul smiled embarrassedly. Even in summer, the night was still stuffy and humid. It was hard to breathe because of the heat pressing on the whole body. A hot wind rushed between us.

His deep eyes, immersed in some serious thoughts, looked at the night sky. I quietly imprinted such a Kyeoul in my memory. Him, resembling a quiet snowy night.

“Want me to tell you a secret, Ithae?”

Kyeoul, still not looking at me, casually threw these words in a calm voice. I couldn’t refuse. I couldn’t push away this voice devoid of any emotions, sounding empty. I wanted to accept it. Kyeoul, who behaved as if nothing had happened, seemed very strange to me.

Not receiving any particular answer from me, Kyeoul continued:

“My parents get along very badly. …I wouldn’t be surprised if they divorce soon. When they argue, all things in the house fly, and we might end up on the street.”

“…Yes.”

I wanted to respond somehow. At least with this heavy monosyllabic answer.

“But I still believe that love exists. No, I want it to exist. The one that warms the soul… Such love that only happens in dramas. Can we call it fate?”

Kyeoul raised his pinky finger. He swayed it as if a red thread was tied to it. Kyeoul closed his eyes and took a deep breath. Until his chest rose, filled with air, and his solar plexus slightly bulged. He inhaled, filling his whole body with air, as if ready to burst.

Poof, the exhaled air dispersed. Kyeoul, having released all the air, mischievously smiled at me.

“Ithae, you’ve grown up. You’re even worried about me, can the older brother be at ease?”

“…No, you just seem… like a sucker.”

I didn’t say this out of good intentions. Restraining the distortion of my face, I looked at the uneven sidewalk. Kyeoul, who was laughing loudly at my answer, gradually stopped laughing. Lightly, like snow settling on shoulders. Gently.

“I’m a sucker? Maybe. With a loved one, for some reason, you want to give everything. It seems that it doesn’t matter who wins or loses…”

Then you don’t like her that much? You’re just giving in because she’s your girlfriend. So… you behave like this with anyone who becomes your partner?

I swallowed the bitter question spinning on my tongue. Listening to Kyeoul’s confessions, I was thinking only about such ugly things.

I desperately wanted to hear from Kyeoul that Kim So Yeon wasn’t special to him. I barely held back from blurting it out. Because even if I had heard the answer to this question, I still wouldn’t have had a chance.

Kyeoul turned again, leaving me silent. He easily jumped onto a low wall, slightly higher than the sidewalk, and carefully took step after step, as if walking on a tightrope.

Swaying slightly, he regained his balance and moved forward. I stared intently at his back, which seemed much wider than it actually was. My heart was quietly and continuously beating. I wanted to hug your back.

Kyeoul and So Yeon broke up a few months later, on a cold winter day.

Although I didn’t hear the details of their breakup, it seemed they didn’t part badly. They often smiled and greeted each other when they accidentally met in the corridor.

Kyeoul changed little, whether he was in a relationship or not. I asked him, pretending to be a friend, to this too calm person. If he regretted breaking up. Kyeoul definitely loved Kim So Yeon when they were dating. Although I didn’t know the depth of his feelings, his emotions for her were obvious.

“Regret?”

Kyeoul laughed as if he had heard something absurd. He laughed for a long time, bending almost to his waist, until tears appeared in the corners of his eyes. Wiping away the tears, Kyeoul looked at me with a face reminiscent of spring reflected once. His calm and deep eyes still radiated gentle warmth.

“Maybe I would feel that way if I had loved So Yeon more or less.”

“…”

“But I think I loved her enough. Exactly that much… Yes, I loved her just like that. So much that no residue was left in my soul. That’s why I don’t regret anything.”

His voice was very decisive and seemed like a kind of confession. He showed not the slightest regret. For some reason, Kyeoul seemed very distant to me.

I had a premonition that I wouldn’t be able to confess to him. Because I didn’t know with what warmth Kyeoul could love me… No, because he wouldn’t be able to love me at all. Perhaps fear came first. I convinced myself that Kyeoul had no feelings he could give to me.

What will happen if Kyeoul’s heart is completely exhausted?

Then… will you leave, leaving this love behind?

I didn’t want to remain with Kyeoul in such a relationship. If for you love is something that will someday run out, I foolishly thought that I wanted to be near you without being loved. Although this couldn’t happen just because I wanted it.

A few months later, he started a new relationship. And again, after spending several seasons, he easily broke up. I remained by his side, gradually nurturing my feelings.

A season passed, a year passed… I silently remained by his side, knowing perfectly well where my love was flowing. Until a whole 7 years had passed. Let them call me stupid, I don’t care.

Because the winter when you looked at me finally came to me.

Suddenly I realized that my breathing had quickened.

These unfeeling eyes of Kyeoul… were too familiar. Like Kyeoul of that day when I felt even relief.

“What does it matter, Ithae.”