Delusive Fate

#070

“I… dreamed about it every day. I imagined, hoped, and if it didn’t come true, I’d be sad again.”

I was frozen like a statue. Standing awkwardly between the entrance and the living room, I could only move my eyeballs as if under a spell that prevented movement. My gaze was fixed on one person. The one putting on a show in someone else’s living room as if it were his own. Jung Yi-dam.

Cosmic horror, they call it. The overwhelming feeling when faced with something incomprehensible. No matter how hard you try, you can’t understand or explain it, and it’s inevitably frightening. Jung Yi-dam, and the men prepared for him. And the idiots scattered on the streets who have no idea how many times they’ve repeated the same life. For those guys, this world might be a sweet dating game, but not for me.

I often thought about it. The genre I’m living in is horror. Even if it wasn’t originally, it changed the moment I realized the truth of this world and couldn’t forget my previous lives. I can’t reject it, and it doesn’t make sense. Such a reality was like rough sandpaper. My mind was worn down by reality, and even the desire to try anything disappeared completely.

Kill me if you want to. I’m just a worthless being, not even cosmic dust. An existence that bursts like an ant when the world crushes it.

I was a defeated soldier. I succumbed to an unbearable reality. I often thought I had accepted my fate, but that was just pathetic pride. If I was going to live like this forever anyway, I needed to package it nicely just to breathe. Even to me, it was a disgusting and shameful self-consolation. But I had to endure because, even if I didn’t want to, my eyes kept opening as time reversed. I wanted to give up everything if I could.

Faced with a world I couldn’t do anything about, I just knelt down. I gave up and resigned myself. Because I had absolutely no confidence in winning against this shitty world.

I was too weak. Stupid, incompetent, and even my heart was entirely dependent on Ki Baek-woo. With that heart, Ki Baek-woo went to Jung Yi-dam. I had nothing left. As destitute as I was, I had no strength to endure. Scared of the world that treated me like dust, I couldn’t move anywhere. Standing still until my legs nearly rotted, I thought about my first death many times. Back then, I was killed by a monster that Ki Baek-woo could easily defeat.

But this world is something that even the strong Ki Baek-woo can’t defy.

I couldn’t help but be afraid. And now, I feel that old fear that made me give up everything coming back to life inside me. Cold sweat seems to run down my back. Jung Yi-dam makes me feel that way.

“Han-sol. I wondered when you would show a new side of yourself, what you would be like then, if you’d still be kind? Or would you be cold, harsh, and cruel like other bastards who don’t know how to love? I was dying to know. I lived waiting for the day I would find out the answer. No, I endured. I only watched you. I waited so long that I almost hated you. Can you imagine how heartbroken I was?”

But finally…! How long I’ve waited for a day like this!

Jung Yi-dam was standing in front of the living room window. Bathing in bright sunlight, he was staring at the empty space beyond the window. And in an artificial manner, as if soliloquizing on a stage, he spewed out strange words at length.

I’m scared.

Jung Yi-dam, whom I’ve never encountered like this before. No, Jung Yi-dam who shouldn’t come to me like this. But he suddenly appears and babbles disgusting and bizarre things like a stalker who’s been watching me for a long time.

I don’t know this Jung Yi-dam. Unlike me, who’s like a junkyard, Jung Yi-dam is like a well-tended greenhouse. Unlike me, who’s like a poorly patched rag, Jung Yi-dam is like a masterpiece woven with an artisan’s last passion. Jung Yi-dam speaks like sugar, smiles like vanilla, and has candies rolling in his eyes instead of eyeballs. When I anger everyone with my ugly appearance and ugly behavior, Jung Yi-dam moves gently and calmly with a saintly face, making everyone fall in love. I’m rotten sewage blocking the pipes, and Jung Yi-dam is a flawless diamond. He’s such an amazing person that Ki Baek-woo can’t help but fall passionately in love with him, making memories of being with me in the past feel like shame rather than nostalgia…

The Jung Yi-dam I know.

I don’t know this shameless person who speaks recklessly with a crazed face, eyes gleaming as if possessed, immersed in his own ecstasy.

Fear rose as if I was facing the world that had already overwhelmed and subjugated me once again. This is like the reaction of a child who has suffered long-term abuse, trembling in front of the abuser even as an adult.

It feels like the world has taken Jung Yi-dam’s form and appeared before me. To throw me into a new quagmire. To torment me until I beg to be killed, and then cruelly repeat it all without ever granting that death.

I glared at Jung Yi-dam’s incomprehensible one-man show, keeping my mouth shut. Jung Yi-dam, who had been talking to himself for a while even though I didn’t answer, suddenly turned around. His eyes, darkened by the backlight, flashed like a beast for a moment.

“Can you fathom my feelings? My heart is burning like this, the most passionate sincerity in the world is in this heart…! Even if no one else in the world understands, you’ll understand, right Han-sol? I believe you will. Because you have to.”

“……”

“Why aren’t you answering? I asked if you understand my feelings.”

“……”

“Is it that hard to respond once…? I’m disappointed… We’re the only two special people in the world.”

Jung Yi-dam, smiling meaningfully, strode towards me. Unlike his previous prancing steps as if doing ballet, these were forceful steps that felt almost aggressive. A fierceness that seemed certain to kill me.

Yeah, kill me. I don’t care if you kill me or not. What wouldn’t be an honor for someone who’s the protagonist of the world? Whether I’m stabbed, sliced, strangled, or beaten to death. Go ahead and try to kill me. Just crush someone like me as you’ve always done. Because there’s nothing I can do anyway.

My back gets cold and clammy. As I clench my molars and widen my eyes…

“Ah!”

Jung Yi-dam hugged me tightly. So strongly that it felt like he might rupture all my organs. And he stickily pressed his lips to my earlobe and whispered.

“What kind of dog-eat-dog world this is, what kind of humiliation we suffered in the last round…”

“……”

“The only people in the world who remember all of that are you and me, Han-sol.”

“…What?”

Jung Yi-dam smiled, rubbing his lips against my right cheek, the place Ki Baek-woo had caressed and left yesterday.

“So let’s be close from now on, Han-sol.”

***

I was sitting across from Jung Yi-dam at the table. I didn’t want to deal with him, but I had no choice. A Jung Yi-dam completely different from the one I knew had appeared. He speaks with a tone that’s more than confident, almost forceful, saying he knows what I know. It was impossible to ignore and pretend I didn’t hear that. Running away would have been useless too. This was Jung Yi-dam, the center and protagonist of this world.

Jung Yi-dam, sitting in Ki Baek-woo’s usual seat at the cheap table, looked around curiously, turning his head this way and that.

“So this is how you lived. Cozily, just the two of you with that bastard…. It must have been nice.”

“That bastard?”

Jung Yi-dam leaned languidly on the table, resting his chin on his hand. It was a rather unruly posture for someone who looked so proper and straight-laced. He spoke with a strangely grinning expression.

“Why are you asking? It’s obvious, the bastard living with you.”

I keep my mouth shut. Jung Yi-dam was speaking in his characteristically soft pronunciation, but the contempt in it was clearly felt. It’s strange. Why is Jung Yi-dam talking about Ki Baek-woo like that? Those two, those two…. My stomach churns. Jung Yi-dam, pressing his cheek against the hand that was lightly supporting his chin, stared at me sideways.

“It’s cute how you’re just sitting there blankly, but not even offering a drink… Aren’t you being too stingy for someone who’s supposed to be my fate companion?”

“Cut the crap and say what you need to say. Who are you? What do you know? How did you find this place?”

“Right, I like that rudeness too. You’ve been too kind, devoted, and gentle all this time. I was curious how long you could keep that up. You were more persistent than I thought, and I was scared… and excited… thinking you might be like that forever. I often couldn’t sleep at night thinking about you.”

‘Because I got hard…,’ Jung Yi-dam whispered with a smile. His clear face while sexually harassing me just to mess with my mood made my insides boil with anger. I struggled to resist the urge to throw a chair at him as I stood up.

Jung Yi-dam persistently watched my movements, even turning his head. I picked up two cups from the dish drying rack that Ki Baek-woo had washed and organized, filled one with bottled water, and the other with water from the sink’s washbasin.

I set down the glass cup dripping with water from the dishwater in front of Jung Yi-dam with a thud, and he grinned, showing his corn-like teeth. “Hehehe.” Along with his unpleasant laughter, his rounded cheeks were flushed. He looked excited, which made me want to throw up the cereal I had eaten for brunch.

“Stop laughing and talk.”

“It feels so good to see your face like this, why are you in such a hurry? Let’s take it slow. I told you, I’ve lived waiting for this day.”

Ki Baek-woo will be stuck in the gate for three or four days anyway. Why are you in such a rush? Do you know how long it took for us to meet like this? I endured that long time, so this much is nothing.

Even though he clearly saw me scooping water from the dishwater, Jung Yi-dam picked up the cup and took a big sip. He licked his wet upper lip with the tip of his tongue, rolling his eyes.

“What should I tell you first…. I’m worried because I don’t know how much you can understand, Han-sol… Judging by what you’ve done so far, you’ve often acted stubbornly and ignorantly….”

“You bastard… Who are you calling ignorant? I’m not ignorant.”

“A C-class chasing after a man and sneaking into an S-class gate… Getting drenched in the rain and collapsing in front of the center just to see the face of the man you like…. You must have done a lot of stupid things. I’ve seen so much of that, I feel like you might not understand well no matter what I explain. Of course, that’s part of your charm. It’s okay because you’re cute, it doesn’t cause problems in life.”

“Stop talking nonsense about the past and get to the point. Who are you to know everything? How do you know about this world, that I know about it and keep regressing… How the hell do you know? What kind of bastard are you?”

“How do I know?”

Jung Yi-dam’s strangely burning eyes stared at me intently. His scarlet lips opened calmly. He continues:

“Because I made it that way.”

I reflexively ask back.

“…What?”

“Han-sol, I’m saying that all of this was caused by me.”

You suddenly remembering all your past lives one day, you suddenly realizing what this world is and how this messed-up place works. It was all made that way by me, it was all my intention.

“It was all done by me, Han-sol. That’s why I know all of this.”