Delusive Fate

#071

Jung Yi-dam boldly confesses. He says he’s the one who pushed me into this terrible trap. He claims he’s the one who cursed me to never forget anything, crushing my mind and wearing away my heart completely. The wolf in sheep’s clothing smiles with a demure face.

I gripped the cup of water tightly, as if about to shatter it, and glared at Jung Yi-dam.

“Don’t be ridiculous.”

“If it’s funny, laugh. I want to see you laugh. I’ve never seen it, but I bet it’s pretty even without seeing it.”

“If you want to joke around, go find someone else outside. I don’t know how you found out whatever you did, but I don’t have the luxury to entertain your nonsense. You might be able to live comfortably as the great protagonist whether you remember your past life or not, but my days have been so hellish I can barely keep my sanity. Stop being an asshole and just get to the point.”

As I acted like I might throw the cup at any moment, Jung Yi-dam’s gaze, which had suddenly turned cold, pierced me. Jung Yi-dam, who had been sprawled out like a delinquent student, straightened up. He opens his mouth. A chilling voice.

“You told me to speak… I already told you. Don’t ignore what I’m saying. It makes me want to shout in anger.”

“You’re saying you made my life this miserable… that you ruined everything? Is that what you’re saying?”

“Yes.”

“Stop treating me like an idiot. There’s no way that’s possible.”

“Why is it impossible?”

“Obviously, such a thing is nonsense…”

“Han-sol, as you know… the world revolves around me. Everything here is for me. It doesn’t let me live as I want, but still…”

Jung Yi-dam looked me over somewhat pityingly before rambling on at length.

“I’m the center and core of this world’s system. It’s no big deal to slightly twist the code of insignificant people like you, unlike guys like Ki Baek-woo who are thoroughly bound to the system thinking they’re the lead. Because the system core is inside me. Do you understand?”

“What does that…”

“Simply put, the system and I are similar entities. When the system moves, I move, and to some extent, I can do what the system can do. It’s really difficult, but if I focus my mind properly.”

“…”

“But why you of all people? Are you curious about that?”

Jung Yi-dam raised the corner of his mouth with a snake-like expression.

“Because you’re the most suitable one for me to use.”

“Suitable for… what?”

“You’re an insignificant being I can manipulate, but you’re involved in my life… You’re just too useful. That’s why I chose you…”

In short, he means it’s all my fault for catching his eye that my life is ruined.

After saying that, he covered his mouth with the back of his hand and giggled. Jung Yi-dam seemed to be enjoying himself. He seemed to be saying something more. But I couldn’t hear it. A loud ringing was piercing through my brain.

What the hell is this bastard saying…? Me… what did I do?

My vision distorted. A familiar feeling. The urge to kill someone out of unbearable anger, or if not possible, to commit suicide right away. I threw the cup I was holding straight at Jung Yi-dam.

With a thud, the cup grazed Jung Yi-dam’s forehead and fell. I heard the sound of glass shattering. I lunged at him right then.

“Gak!”

My hands instinctively gripped Jung Yi-dam’s straight neck. With a dull noise, the chair fell backward, and Jung Yi-dam and I became messily entangled on the floor. The broken glass dug into my knees and shins as they touched the floor. It didn’t matter. I couldn’t even feel the pain. My eyes were rolled back, my head filled with the thought that I must kill him.

I’ll kill him. I’ll kill this bastard. Die. Die right now, without fail.

“Kuh, why, ugh, are you trying to kill me?”

“You said you made me like this. You said I could have lived comfortably knowing nothing like those stupid bastards out there, but you ruined it all. You just blabbered it with your own mouth.”

Wasn’t that asking to be killed? If you’re the cause of all my pain, did you think I’d just laugh it off saying ‘Oh, how interesting’? I’m not that much of an idiot. No, I wasn’t an idiot to begin with. You made me like this, into this kind of worm…!

I didn’t even know what I was doing. I have to kill this bastard, am I killing him well? I don’t know. Anger, hatred, and the desire for revenge were all mixed up, making my skull feel like it was melting into mush. I thought I was living like this because I was originally not even as good as a beast. I thought the world was playing with me because I was a human who deserved to be treated like this, a human who was made like this from the start.

But you say it was because of you. You, the great Jung Yi-dam who is supposedly the center of this world.

“Just die. Die. Die, die, die! Die already!”

“Kek, yes, kill me… Huk! Hurry up and kill me, kek…!”

Jung Yi-dam laughed with a face flushed red from suffocation. His expression, eyes rounded and laughing as if amused, appeared in my distorted vision. The reddish-black neck and under the jaw of Jung Yi-dam. A dying face.

For a moment, I felt a chilling sensation of his blood vessels and Adam’s apple writhing in my hands.

I flinched for a split second and loosened my grip. It was a reflexive and instinctive reaction.

I hate myself. The one who should die is not Jung Yi-dam, but me. He’s still the protagonist, isn’t he? Am I killing the protagonist right now? Someone like me? No, no. Why am I suddenly thinking this? What am I hesitating for? Ah, I get it. Lee Han-sol, you’re scared. After talking about killing someone almost every day, now that you really have the chance to kill, you’re afraid. Like the pathetic loser trash you are, you’re scared of murder now. It’s not even funny. You find killing unpleasant when dying is nothing? When you’re living like livestock anyway. Unable to do anything you want, even this version of you who doesn’t love Ki Baek-woo has a freedom that ends in just one day in this tattered life.

Just kill him. This bastard threw my life into a cesspit, just kill him…! Whether it’s ethical consciousness or an instinctive aversion to killing your own kind, what does that matter? What does that…

That’s when it happened.

“Why did you stop killing me?”

With a face still tinged red, Jung Yi-dam calmly asked. Huk, huk. As I, gripped by some kind of fear, just panted heavily, Jung Yi-dam reached out with an expression as calm as his voice. His two hands overlapped mine, which were holding his neck without any strength.

And he slowly started to apply force.

“What are you doing, let go…!”

“Kill me.”

“Let this go…! Let go, you crazy bastard!”

I struggled to shake off his hands. Jung Yi-dam paid no attention to my flailing like a fish. He just pressed down on my hands with an inescapable strong grip, strangling himself. Jung Yi-dam was now using my hands like a hangman’s noose to execute himself.

“Kek, come on, try to kill me.”

“Take your hands off, fuck! Aaagh!”

“Huk. Keuuugh…”

Jung Yi-dam mercilessly applied force. He was committing suicide without hesitation. While making me a murderer. Jung Yi-dam’s clear eyes were becoming bloodshot and slowly rolling back.

“No, agh! No, I don’t want to!”

“Keu, ugh…”

With a final worn-out groan, all strength left Jung Yi-dam’s body. His neck in my hands, his upper body that I was sitting on, all went limp like withered grass. His hands that had been crushing mine fell limply to the side.

“Ah.”

He’s dead.

I could tell. Jung Yi-dam was dead.

Ah. What do I do. He’s dead. He’s really dead. I killed him. I… This is strange.

“Fuck…”

I’ve clearly died many times… Dying is nothing… But this feels strange. I want to die.

I slowly got up from Jung Yi-dam’s body that I had been sitting on. My legs were shaking, and I couldn’t keep my balance properly. With every step, I could feel the glass scattered on the floor digging into my flesh. I staggered to the sink and held onto it for support. I deliberately stared only at the unwashed dishes in the sink. I couldn’t turn around. I killed him.

Huk.

A rough exhale burst out. I killed him. I really killed him. It’s not just in my head. I really, really killed him. I…

I felt like I was drowning. My vision wavered as if underwater. Heuk. Heuik… My solar plexus heaved. A sound like crying escaped.

Heuk heuk. Heuk. Eoheoeng… Eoheoeoeoeoeong… Shibal… This is fucking… Heueongeongeongeohung…

It wasn’t just like crying, I was really crying.

I stopped, I loosened my grip… Eoheoeong… That bastard Jung Yi-dam… Euheueueong… Ki Baek-woo, you bastard Ki Baek-woo, Ki Baek-woo come home… Heueoheueong…

I didn’t know why I was crying. I didn’t know why I was thinking of Ki Baek-woo. I don’t know, fuck it all, it’s so annoying… Eongeongong. Tears poured out, quickly soaking my collar. Snot dripped down. I couldn’t even tell if the salty taste in my mouth was from tears or snot.

Keuhub, keut. I sniffled hard, trying to inhale. To think that I killed someone. That it wasn’t me who died, but someone else died by my hands. I’m a murderer now. I should use this as fertilizer to become an even more deranged person. It’s been hard holding back and not stabbing people until now, but since it’s come to this, I’ll become a legendary crazy serial killer from here on. I’m trash anyway, no one will care if I go all out. Okay, then let’s start by killing Lee Han-sol right now. I should jump off the roof. Why? Because I just fucking feel like it. But I’ll probably just regress again even if I do that. When I open my eyes, I should stab Ki Baek-woo to death. Then die again, and when I open my eyes next time, kill Kim Jin-oh, then kill that Manager Jang something, and then… I don’t know. There are too many people to kill. I should die first.

Sniffling, I straightened my spine, putting strength into my body that had been leaning on the sink. To get to the apartment rooftop, I need to take the elevator to the top floor, the 17th floor, and then climb the stairs. The rooftop door is always locked, but since I’m going to die anyway, I can just break the doorknob and go in. I should grab a hammer.

“This is better, heuk, this is better.”

This life was weird anyway. Ki Baek-woo acted like an asshole, and Jung Yi-dam suddenly showed up. He even appeared and spouted all kinds of crazy nonsense… What? What did he say? That he manipulated me? That he has the system core or whatever? A crazy bastard should know his limits. I didn’t know Jung Yi-dam was such an idiot. Right, this is clearly something wrong. I need to die and start over. Then, the world will flow as I know it again. I’ve experienced it twenty-five times. So I’m right.

I started to move. The hammer should be in the small room. It’s definitely there in the room where all the junk is piled up. Keung. Sniffling, I rubbed my eyes roughly with the back of my hand. My vision cleared a bit before blurring again. Damn it, damn it. Repeating harsh words, I dragged my feet. As I was shuffling, trying not to touch Jung Yi-dam’s corpse sprawled on the kitchen floor…

“Aaaargh!”

A scream burst out. Something had grabbed my ankle strongly.