Delusive Fate

#068

I know Ki Baek-woo well. Ki Baek-woo who’s sick of me. Ki Baek-woo who hates and despises me, wishing for my death every day. Just by looking at the corner of Ki Baek-woo’s mouth, I could tell how he was cursing me.

I was confident in reading Ki Baek-woo’s mind. Knowing how to give up well, die well, and be well-organized – these were the only skills I could pride myself on besides those.

But the Ki Baek-woo trembling before me now… I’m not sure. It’s like an unclear signal received by an old antenna. Or maybe like something burning to ashes. In fact, it feels like the inside has already burned away, and only a precarious outer shell remains, struggling to hold on.

I don’t know. I’ve never seen Ki Baek-woo like this before, so unlike my initial confident shouting, I quickly became tired. I’m a veteran trained to give up well, and by this point, I just wanted to wrap up this situation quickly. I had exhausted all my strength dying multiple times. I didn’t have the energy to endure this unfamiliar squabble. Although it’s surprisingly new right now, I wasn’t interested in this situation where the outcome was obvious.

“Hyung.”

Ki Baek-woo sat down weakly, as if he could no longer handle himself. A ragged stuffed toy that looked like it had rolled around in a landfill for 100 years. With such a face, Ki Baek-woo spoke as if pleading.

“I’ll do well.”

“Ki Baek-woo.”

“I’ll be obedient. I’ll do everything you tell me to. Just, just use me like an object. Okay? Is that still not enough? I can really do anything, I’ll do everything you order.”

“It might be better to calm down and talk again tomorrow…”

“If you don’t like that either, if you really can’t stand the sight of me, you can even tell me to die. Just don’t tell me to live without you. That’s too impossible… How could that be? I’m okay. Just tell me to die. I’ll die right away. I won’t lie to you again. Tell me to die, hyung. Please say that. Please.”

Don’t tell me to live on my own without you. Hyung, I really can’t do that. I’ve done everything wrong… I’m so horrible… Hyung, please…

Ki Baek-woo whined in a metallic voice, then soon crashed to the floor, pressing his forehead to the ground. Ki Baek-woo, round and flat, curled up with his knees bent. Looking as if he might shatter and disappear if stepped on, Ki Baek-woo whispered.

“Why did I do that?”

“Ki Baek-woo, get up.”

“Hyung, why did I do that? There’s something strange inside me… It feels like there’s a bug in my head. Will you take it out for me? Please. I want to erase my memories… Let’s erase both our memories, okay? Let’s start over, please. I’m begging you…”

Hyung, something strange… something strange is trying to take you away from me… Hyung, what more can I do? No matter what I do, it seems like you don’t need me… Because I’m dirty, because I’m disgusting, you hate everything I do… Ki Baek-woo muttered as if drained of strength and pressed his forehead to the floor with a dazed motion. His voice, which had grown loud for a while, gradually became smaller.

“Stop it, Ki Baek-woo. Lift your head. Look at me. Look at my eyes.”

“Tell me… Hyung, just tell me once… What should I do…”

Hyung, can’t you just keep me? Please. I’ll be as quiet as a mouse. I love you, hyung. You hate hearing this now, right? You must be disgusted to death. But, I love you so much that I hate myself for clinging to you even when you tell me to get lost… I love you so much that I hate myself for even thinking about myself. I’ll never ask you to love me. Can’t you just keep me by your side? Hyung, I’m so scared. How far are you going to erase me? How far am I going to be thrown away?

Hyung, hyung, hyung… Han-sol hyung… Hyung… Hyung.

Ki Baek-woo, who had been mumbling barely audibly, suddenly groaned, “Ugh!” I reflexively reached out to Ki Baek-woo, who was hurriedly covering his mouth.

“Hey, are you okay…!”

Ki Baek-woo shook me off as if having a fit and ran into the bathroom. After some chaotic noise, there were muffled groans of “Ugh, ugh, bleh.” Although he probably had nothing to throw up since he hadn’t eaten anything, Ki Baek-woo kept vomiting. I, like an idiot, was about to follow him to pat his back, but I just stared blankly at the bathroom door that slammed shut in my face and thought.

Hmm, this doesn’t seem like something that can be resolved by pushing like this… I guess I need to change my approach.

So, a while later, when Ki Baek-woo came out staggering with a pale face, I said,

“Are you okay?”

I asked with an unusually kind voice, concerned about him. Ki Baek-woo stared blankly at me as I jumped up from the sofa and approached him, then answered with a cracked voice.

“…Sorry.”

“What are you sorry for? You haven’t been feeling well lately. It’s normal to be like this when you’re not feeling well.”

“For making you worry… You don’t like… hate me now…”

“Baek-woo, stop. Why would I not like you?”

I spoke as if I had been waiting for this. I held onto Ki Baek-woo’s limp arms and looked up at him intently. Staring at his hazy eyes that blinked slowly, I opened my mouth.

“You did cheat, but I still like you. Why would I hate you?”

“……”

“I’m just angry. I was so, so angry that you were with someone else, and I haven’t gotten over it yet.”

Ki Baek-woo’s dry, destitute eyes trembled weakly. How do you smile again? I tried to remember, lowering the corners of my eyes and curling up the corners of my mouth. Ki Baek-woo’s gaze poured down as if mesmerized. I saw my face reflected in his wavering eyes. Fortunately, it wasn’t a monstrous expression. It seemed like I was smiling quite well.

I thought I only found others detestable, but it seems I can put on an act too. I might have become a great actor from pretending to be okay and pretending not to know in front of Ki Baek-woo all this time.

Thinking this to myself, I stroked Ki Baek-woo’s right cheek, which was still damp from washing his face.

It’s really nauseating. But there’s no choice. Because I had a strong bad feeling. If things continued like this with Ki Baek-woo, it seemed like it would go terribly wrong. Ki Baek-woo’s unusual fit of madness this time. I might not know much, but one thing is certain.

‘I need to send him out first. I need to make him meet Jung Yi-dam. Only then will the game proceed properly, and I’ll be able to breathe. So, Lee Han-sol, hold back your vomit and just smile for now. You’re doing this for tomorrow’s peace…!’

If the hard approach doesn’t work, I need to use persuasion. I patted Ki Baek-woo’s shoulder while hiding my sinister thoughts. His protruding shoulder blade was clearly felt, showing how much weight he had lost. Not that it mattered to me.

“I don’t hate you, Baek-woo. I’m just a little upset. I’m allowed to be angry to that extent, right? You understand?”

“…Really?”

“Yes.”

“You… don’t hate me?”

“Yes.”

“Then… then you won’t abandon me?”

“Yes.”

Ki Baek-woo’s dry eyes became red and moist like a child about to cry. He was trembling his lips with a pitiful expression, as if he wanted to be hugged right away. It seemed like he wanted to ask something more, but he could only make gasping sounds, as if his voice wouldn’t come out. He looked quite fragile.

Idiot. It’s all lies. Isn’t it strange to suddenly act like this after talking about killing just a moment ago? To become docile so quickly… Is he a bit slow?

I tried not to let the forced smile turn into a sneer as I led Ki Baek-woo to the bedroom. I thought, ‘I should just put him to sleep before the talk about moving comes up unnecessarily.’

“Come in here.”

I slipped into bed, lifted the blanket on the side, and called Ki Baek-woo. Ki Baek-woo, who had been standing still like a ghost in the darkness, lay down next to me, trembling like a wet dog. His slow movements made it seem like he couldn’t tell if this was reality or delusion.

Ki Baek-woo kept his mouth shut as if he were in an illusion that would shatter the moment he spoke, and followed my face with his gaze. By the time our squabble ended, it was already past 11 o’clock, close to midnight. In the dark bedroom, even through the pitch-black air, I could clearly see how delicate and forlorn Ki Baek-woo’s eyes were trembling.

I asked, not at all curious about how he felt.

“Should hyung make an arm pillow for you after a long time?”

“……”

“I’m not over being angry yet… but you haven’t been sleeping well lately. You need to get some sleep first. That way you can relieve stress and get your appetite back. Stress is the root of all illness.”

“……”

“Hyung will sing you a lullaby today so Ki Baek-woo can sleep deeply. You used to sleep so well when I hugged you. So deeply that you wouldn’t wake up even if I carried you.”

Saying “I don’t hate Ki Baek-woo, so I can do this much” in an affectionate tone like the first Lee Han-sol, I stretched out my arm. Ki Baek-woo obediently nestled in as if enchanted. Even though he had become gaunt, Ki Baek-woo was still Ki Baek-woo. He was still much bigger than me, so even when I hugged him, it felt more like I was being hugged. I patted his back, pat, pat.