The Unbelievers

Chapter 41

Eunseong asked him while touching his disheveled hair.

“… By the way, did you just touch my face with hands that washed a dishcloth?”

“Huh?”

“What if something breaks out on my face?”

“I don’t think anything would break out from just that.”

Flustered, Siwoon brought the dishcloth, smelled it, and held it out, saying it seemed clean. There was no smell except for detergent. Eunseong also took the cloth and smelled it.

“… Do you know this is the first time you’ve touched my face?”

“…”

“Before, when I was sick, you even used tongs to put a wet towel on my forehead to avoid skin contact.”

“That was because it’s more hygienic.”

Siwoon disliked himself for making such a lame excuse.

“Don’t you think I’m dirty anymore? You’re usually quite obsessive about cleanliness, ahjussi.”

“I never thought that.”

“It’s only happened three times so far. Touching you. When I tried to touch the bird’s nest before, when we came back from Jung-eon’s house…, and today. Is it okay to touch now? Am I not dirty?”

“…”

Siwoon couldn’t understand why Eunseong was so fixated on this and counting the instances. His eyes grew puzzled. Eunseong hugged Siwoon’s jacket in his arms like a security blanket and continued speaking.

“Did you take medicine to cure your obsessive-compulsive disorder?”

“I did.”

“Make sure you take your medicine properly.”

“…”

“It makes me feel bad when you don’t take that medicine. If you don’t take it, you’ll get sick again and hate touching me.”

“It wasn’t that bad.”

“If not, why don’t you try touching me now?”

“…”

“Would you like to… touch my hand?”

Eunseong held out his hand as if offering a handshake. Siwoon’s back stiffened as if he had received a life-threatening threat. He looked down at Eunseong’s outstretched hand. Eunseong was observing his reaction. Siwoon thought he understood a little why Eunseong said he disliked him. He would dislike himself too.

“See? You don’t like it.”

“…”

Just as Eunseong was about to lower his hand, Siwoon suddenly grabbed it. Eunseong looked up at him in surprise, as if he hadn’t expected it at all. Siwoon looked down at their joined hands, avoiding eye contact, and squeezed Eunseong’s hand slightly. It was Eunseong who forcefully pulled his hand away. He had to take a step back, his body pushed away as he moved his arm to free his hand from Siwoon’s grip.

“… You startled me.”

“You told me to touch you.”

Siwoon asked if everything was just his fault. Eunseong said yes, it was all his fault.

“How could you grab it suddenly without saying anything?”

“Should I have said something before grabbing it?”

“Of course. You should say something before grabbing.”

“You were holding it out, so I thought I could just grab it.”

“… Still, you should say something first.”

“You’re sure I don’t find you dirty, right?”

“…”

Siwoon, having demonstrated that he neither found Eunseong dirty nor had difficulty touching him, cleared away the cup he had drunk from.

“I’m going to bed. You should go to sleep too.”

“… You too, ahjussi. Don’t wash your hands secretly.”

Siwoon gave an incredulous laugh. Eunseong still seemed unsatisfied about something as he stared blankly at Siwoon before turning away. Siwoon leaned against the sink and quietly gazed at the empty space where Eunseong had been.

∞ ∞ ∞

After washing his face, Eunseong stared intently at his reflection in the mirror. He touched his forehead where his hair fell. The feeling of Siwoon’s touch from last night was still vividly present. That large hand had almost covered his forehead and hair as it caressed him before moving away. The hand smelled of soap.

Siwoon always smelled nice. It wasn’t the dirty old man smell of his father, who reeked of alcohol and cigarettes. It wasn’t the musty odor he used to avoid by holding his nose. It was a subtle and fresh scent, far from sweet, but soft and mature.

When Siwoon wasn’t around, Eunseong would go into his room and smell his moisturizer. It didn’t smell sweet like candy, just an artificially pleasant scent.

Of course, it was naive to think that applying a little cream would produce the kind of scent that lingers in one’s memory.

Such a scent is accumulated. It comes from seeing and eating good things, always applying and wearing good things, listening to and drinking good things. It’s not something that appears just by applying cream, but something that builds up and seeps out from one’s lifestyle.

Eunseong often took Siwoon’s moisturizer and applied it to his own body, hoping he would smell as nice. While it didn’t have much effect on the smell, he still applied the cream frequently. The feeling of the cream sinking into his dry skin, making it moist, wasn’t bad. Yesterday, when Siwoon held his hand, he smelled like something Eunseong wanted to lean into and nuzzle against.

Remembering Siwoon’s scent, Eunseong entered the dining room. As soon as their eyes met, Siwoon asked,

“I heard your vacation starts today.”

“So what?”

“Why did you wake up so early?”

“I have to wake up early. You seem to have forgotten, but you should know this even if you neglect me. I’m a high school senior.”

“I knew, but I thought you didn’t know.”

“…”

Eunseong gave an annoyed look at Siwoon, who occasionally teased him while pretending not to. He sat down. It was a secret that he had even set an alarm in case he couldn’t wake up in the morning after falling asleep late last night. If he missed this, he wouldn’t be able to see Siwoon until the next morning. Missing the short morning time of drinking coffee with his uncle would make Eunseong depressed all day.

“Have you found some motivation to study?”

“It seems like you’re subtly looking down on me. I’m going to work hard starting today. I might not be able to go to a university in America, but I’ll try for one in Seoul.”

“That’s right, you should work hard.”

Eunseong snapped while drinking his milk.

“Can’t you stop talking like that ahjussi?”

“Hm?”

“You sound just like an ahjussi.”

Eunseong was angry at Siwoon for saying things that any adult would typically say.

“I am an ahjussi, aren’t I?”

Siwoon replied as if he didn’t understand what the problem was, and finished brewing his coffee. Eunseong drank half of the milk Siwoon had poured and held the glass with both hands.

“You are an ahjussi, but you don’t have to act so much like one. There’s no need to talk like a typical ahjussi.”

“Should I stop talking altogether now?”

“That’s not what I mean…”

Eunseong knew he was being unreasonable. He didn’t like how Siwoon kept talking as if he were a guardian, an adult with a duty to care for him, and he didn’t like being seen only in that way.

To continue staying with Siwoon, Eunseong knew he should pretend not to know, that he shouldn’t show that he liked him, but he was failing to hide or conceal these feelings.

“Are you stressed because of the college entrance exam?”

“… What do you mean?”

“You’re being hysterical.”

“… I’m sorry for acting strange.”

Eunseong wished Siwoon would never find out, no, that he would figure it out, that he would notice these feelings, no, that he would never know, that he absolutely must not know, but still, that he would understand… Eunseong felt nauseous from these conflicting thoughts. He felt like he might grab Siwoon and confess his feelings if he couldn’t control himself.

The fortunate thing was that no matter what kind of tantrum or unreasonable behavior Eunseong displayed, Siwoon didn’t show much emotional reaction as long as Eunseong didn’t say he disliked him. He seemed to think that it was normal for someone Eunseong’s age to be so moody and capricious.

“It’s okay if you’re hysterical with me, but don’t be like that with the director.”

“The director wouldn’t even put up with it.”

Eunseong replied curtly.

“So I’m the easiest target among us, huh?”

“It’s not like that…”

Eunseong glanced at Siwoon. The corners of Siwoon’s mouth were turned up in an amused smile.

“The director doesn’t even respond sometimes.”

“How wise. Maybe I should do that too.”

“I really hate that, you know? Being left on read is the worst thing in the world.”

“I see, I shouldn’t do that then.”

Siwoon immediately retracted his stance.

“I want to go to an academy during the break. Is that okay?”

This was an issue that had clearly been refused the night before.

“I’ll get you a private tutor.”

“Just going to an academy is fine.”

“Your grades aren’t at a level where just going to an academy would be enough.”

“…”

Eunseong stared at him with a dumbfounded and incredulous look, pausing mid-sip of his milk. Siwoon pretended not to notice and finished his coffee. He flipped the newspaper he had been reading.

“Then I want to get a part-time job. I can’t waste time like this. I should at least earn some money. What am I supposed to do all day at home if you won’t even let me go out? The vacation is so long.”

“…”

It was like saying Eunseong should suffer thinking about Siwoon all vacation long, trapped in this house that seemed to be Siwoon himself, where there wasn’t a place untouched by his hands.

If he stayed trapped here, Eunseong might not stop at asking Siwoon to hold his hand like last night, but might ask to be hugged. Or he might invade Siwoon’s room while he was sleeping, undress him, and try to steal a look at the full tattoo that Siwoon didn’t show. Eunseong’s heart was reaching a point where he wanted to do such crazy things.

In front of a wolf starved for three or four days, Siwoon was saying he could eat anything else, just not him. But the starved wolf didn’t want to put anything else in its mouth except Siwoon.