The Unbelievers

Chapter 40

Yoo Siwoon’s gaze naturally went to Eunseong.

But why… can’t I let him go?

There was no question that Eunseong possessed the beautiful appearance fitting for the “great chasm.” Yoo Siwoon had seen a photo of a woman who reportedly resembled Eunseong. Among his father’s belongings were traces of Eunseong’s existence, his parents’ wedding photo, and even Eunseong’s baby pictures.

While his appearance didn’t exactly mirror hers, Eunseong was beautiful in a different way from his birth mother. Eunseong had looks befitting his existence, and almost no trace remained of the shabby, wretched appearance from when he was poorly fed, clothed, and rested just before fleeing from his father.

Yoo Siwoon had noticed some of the security guards glancing at Eunseong. Even Director Nam would sometimes mutter, as if entranced, “Kids these days really are something…” when looking at Eunseong.

Even in the dim light, Eunseong’s fair, smooth skin couldn’t be hidden. His lips looked moist as if holding moisture, and his cheeks had a peach-like glow.

His scent… though Yoo Siwoon hadn’t smelled it many times, it was good enough to make him want to smell it again.

Shit, is it normal to have these feelings?

Yoo Siwoon unconsciously let out an exasperated sigh.

“Hah.”

“…Yes?”

Whether Eunseong was pretty or not had nothing to do with Yoo Siwoon. It wasn’t even an important issue whether he was handsome or not.

But why can’t I let him go? The house is ready and there’s no problem with security.

Even if Eunseong stayed at the penthouse, Yoo Siwoon had no reason to feel uneasy about not moving together to a house with supposedly bad feng shui, and he didn’t believe everything Master Manpo said in the first place. Bringing money to Master Manpo was aimed at manipulating others who trusted him.

Yet Yoo Siwoon was anxious about Eunseong saying again that he didn’t want to live together and asking to live separately.

He didn’t want to dwell on the issue that had sunk below the surface and fall into distress again.

He just wanted to pass quietly until all preparations were complete. While keeping boundaries so nothing would happen between them.

He didn’t want to hear words like not wanting to live together, hating him to death, or wanting to live with Director Nam. Yoo Siwoon was surprised, even amazed, that there were words in the world that could make him so unpleasant when he usually remained unmoved by most things.

Was I always such an angry person?

“It’s late, you should go to bed now.”

“You always come home late, so I end up waiting.”

Eunseong spoke as if it was all Yoo Siwoon’s fault again.

Everything was his fault. Oversleeping in the morning was his fault, the difficult exam was Yoo Siwoon’s fault, and even the sparrow eggs not hatching yet was because of him. Whenever Eunseong opened his mouth, he spoke as if Yoo Siwoon had done something wrong.

“I don’t think I ever told you to wait.”

“…”

When Yoo Siwoon made a logical point to Eunseong, who blamed him for everything, Eunseong looked at him with resentful eyes as if he had heard some unreasonable criticism.

He made the expression he did when saying he hated ahjussi.

“You try being alone in this big house every day too, ahjussi.”

“I’ve always lived alone.”

“…”

It was still the same now. Eunseong looked at him with eyes that seemed to say he hated him to death. He bit his lip hard. His reddened, pressed lips stood out vividly in the darkness. Yoo Siwoon wanted to touch Eunseong’s lips with his hand, especially when they protruded slightly in anger. He clenched his fist tightly, as if to restrain his own feelings.

“Go in and sleep.”

There was nothing more to say. Yoo Siwoon, who had never dealt with someone so much younger and didn’t know how to handle it, told him to go to bed like an adult with nothing else to say, and turned around.

He took a cup from the shelf and filled it with water from the purifier. Eunseong, who had been holding Yoo Siwoon’s jacket as if hugging it with one arm, approached quickly as if he wanted to drink water too.

Yoo Siwoon stepped back, yielding the water he had poured to Eunseong. After moving a few steps away, Eunseong turned his eyes towards him. It wasn’t a look, but a glare.

“Am I going to eat you, ahjussi?”

“I didn’t expect you to get angry even when I let you drink first.”

“Didn’t you learn about respecting elders in school? Adults should drink first. Things like this.”

Eunseong pushed the offered water cup towards him with an irritated gesture. The cup slid across the countertop into Yoo Siwoon’s reach. Because of Eunseong’s talk about respecting elders, he reached out, took the cup, drank the water, and set it down.

Yoo Siwoon filled another cup with water from the purifier and this time pushed it towards Eunseong. Misjudging his strength, the cup slid too forcefully and spilled onto the countertop.

“Oops.”

Yoo Siwoon reached for a dishcloth and Eunseong for a paper towel, and their hands simultaneously pressed down on the spilled water on the counter. Eunseong’s paper towel pressed down on the back of Yoo Siwoon’s hand.

“…”

“…”

They could have simply moved their hands away nonchalantly, but neither budged. They remained still with their hands touching.

The frozen Yoo Siwoon didn’t move either. Eunseong hesitated for a moment, then lightly grasped the back of Yoo Siwoon’s hand he had pressed down on, making him wipe up the spilled water instead. The dishcloth in Yoo Siwoon’s hand absorbed the water that had nearly flowed down to the floor.

“…Your hands are big, ahjussi, so they clean better.”

“…”

“Right?”

“…I suppose so.”

“You must be good at cleaning.”

“…I guess.”

Eunseong held the back of Yoo Siwoon’s hand along with the paper towel and remained still. He looked down intently at his own hand overlapping Yoo Siwoon’s. There was quite a significant difference in hand size. Yoo Siwoon also looked at their overlapping hands, just as Eunseong was doing.

He was aware of Eunseong’s gaze delicately focusing on the tattoo on the back of his hand. The child’s fingertip lightly touched his tattoo. Yoo Siwoon’s insides trembled, but outwardly he remained stoic, his expression hardened. As Eunseong gently touched Yoo Siwoon’s hand, he muttered:

“When your hands are big, you can hold things like balls with just one hand, right? Like a basketball.”

Eunseong looked up and asked. Seen up close, his eyelashes were long and delicately grown. Yoo Siwoon had never tried holding a basketball with one hand, but he agreed with Eunseong’s words.

“Then you must be good at sports too.”

“…I suppose.”

“Your hand, ahjussi… your hand…”

“Yes?”

“I hate your hand, ahjussi! It’s too big!”

“…”

Eunseong suddenly seemed to recall something and shuddered, saying “Ugh.” He hit the back of Yoo Siwoon’s innocent hand.

This bad hand… It deserves to be hit.

Yoo Siwoon was taken aback by the thought that suddenly occurred to him.

“It’s just brutishly big. Really, so brutish… I absolutely hate it.”

“I never asked you to like it.”

Yoo Siwoon said this knowing that Eunseong would look at him fiercely for such words. Sure enough, Eunseong’s eyes turned to glare at him. It was a reproach asking how he could say such harsh things. But Eunseong was the one who had first hit and criticized his innocent hand.

“Your hand is so big it’s creepy.”

“Just now you said it was good because it could hold a basketball with one hand.”

“…That, well that’s true, but…”

“It’s good for cleaning too, and can wipe up water well like this.”

He moved his hand that Eunseong had hit to finish wiping up the water. He returned to the sink with the dishcloth and wrung it out. Water droplets dripped from the water-soaked cloth.

“I can wring it out well like this too.”

Having big hands wasn’t something to be criticized for. Rather, it had many advantages. Yoo Siwoon demonstrated by wringing out the dishcloth with his large hands, shaking it out, and neatly hanging it above the sink.

“That’s true, but…”

“It’s the first time I’ve been scolded for having big hands.”

“Because your hands are so big, I keep thinking about them. I keep… keep thinking about how big your hands are.”

“…”

He seemed not fully awake yet. Yoo Siwoon didn’t quite understand what Eunseong was saying. Eunseong hugged Yoo Siwoon’s jacket as if it were a protective shield and muttered in confusion. His face was flushed red.

It was clearly visible even in the dim light. Without realizing it, Yoo Siwoon reached out and placed his palm on Eunseong’s forehead. His hand was indeed large enough to cover Eunseong’s forehead and cradle the top of his head, to the point that Eunseong found creepy. No, Eunseong’s head was just that small.

“You don’t seem to have a fever.”

Yoo Siwoon slowly removed his palm that had been gently touching Eunseong’s forehead. Knowing he shouldn’t touch him, his hand had reached out unconsciously, and even though he had been wary of not touching, this time he deliberately lingered longer. If just this much contact made his skin tingle, what would happen if he did more?

If you break one small rule, you’ll end up breaking the next bigger rule.

If you allow one thing, you’ll end up allowing something even bigger.

You’ll end up doing what you shouldn’t do.

Yoo Siwoon knew this principle better than anyone. He had just broken one small rule. He had acted on his feelings.

He clenched his fist tightly. He ruefully acknowledged the fact that he had finally touched Eunseong’s face, which he had always avoided and kept his distance from, wanting to touch and feel.

His true feelings of wanting to get closer to this child.