The Love They Never Had

I was having a full on panic attack for the first time in my life and didn't know what to do with myself until Yeon pulled me to face her and she started loosening my robes for me so I could breathe easier. She kept trying to put my arms down, so much so that she had to lay me in her bed while she prepared a cool wet cloth for me. The moment she reached her hands out to touch me I felt…calm, at peace and I felt the oxygen flowing throughout my body peacefully like it must do to every other man women and child out there in the world apart from myself. She gave me the dishes that she hadn't touched and had them all reheated before serving me as if I was a child. I was always working, studying or training and I only got into bed when it was time to sleep. I never had time to relax, not like this anyways. She made sure that I was hydrated and full, before she tended to me meticulously and even started massaging the parts of my skin that I scrubbed and scratched too hard to the point where I had started bleeding before putting balm on my wounds so they could heal properly. Once it was all done she turned away to leave but I grabbed her wrist on time and asked her to stay by my side, at least until I had fallen asleep. In the end she fed me a soup that I had suspected she had medicated for me to fall asleep but I didn't raise any objections to it. In fact I drank it with ease, taking advantage of this for once as I usually had too much to do to use any sleeping pills, never mind buy them. I still held onto her before she positioned herself closer to me as the medicine was starting to take effect…and began stroking my hair, cupping my face and making me as comfortable as I could be. I was in and out of consciousness by this point but I still had tears streaming down my face from the area affection I was receiving, but I thought…I could have sworn that I felt her hair sweep across my face as she…she kissed me. And she thanked me. But before I could fully register what was going on I had already fallen into a deep sleep that I had not been familiar with since I was forced to leave my mother's side.

I had woken up what seemed like weeks later in my own bed; my hands which were full of blisters and cuts from training had been healed, my lower body felt lighter as if they had been massaged also and I just felt…relaxed for once. This treatment was long overdue as I felt fully refreshed for once and able to use my mind and body for my own purpose now rather than endlessly letting it be mistreated by my father and his endless needs. And the first thing I needed to do…I had to get Yeon alone and tell her everything, no matter what her reaction would be. Even if she hated me, she still needed me to reunite her with her brother…so she was bonded by my side until then at least, and as for afterwards… I'd do anything she wanted until she forgave me until I could prove to her how serious I was. But she was excessively kind and good natured…I knew that she would understand me, if not today than tomorrow.

She was in my room with a tray of food that I pounced on the minute she set it down. I had never been hungry in this place before, I had long forgotten what that felt like. The food was really good so I knew she had toiled just to make me all of this food. She began tidying up my room while I ate to my hearts content until I thought my stomach was going to burst open. She sat opposite me from the minute I finished but I really didn't like the serious look on her face at all. "Come to the Lantern Festival with me." "Why?" "What do you mean why?" "Will you be alright with being seen with a woman who has been taken in and out of brothel's?" "I know that you didn't let anyone touch you, I know that you would rather suffer torture than do that…which is exactly what you did, isn't it?" "So what is the underlying issue? You need to tell me, because I am not a mind-reader." "Other men saw you, other men spoke to you, other men wanted you , other men gifted you things." "I only kept the things that I needed to survive with, I gave the rest away to Hyeon." "Yeon…I want to trust you more than I do now, but I cannot until I know everything about you and your plans." "Even if it clashes with your own?" "Honestly? From the moment that we were parted yet again, they no longer hold any meaning to me, and I am being serious with you right now. Your plans sound more interesting." "Even if it changes your views? Because it is the only reason that I kept it from you." "I understand; I am not happy about it, but even I know that I am not exactly…a gentle and understanding man, not always. I am trying for your sake, but it is simply not in my nature."

"What if I refuse? Because what I know is different to everything that you do, and it if affects you more than I think I will, then I will be held responsible for that, won't I? And I am the one who will have to deal with your anger for god only knows how long." "Then I will forgo any feelings that I have for you and I will take you by force. I have everyone that you love and care about in the palm of my hands and their lives and freedom depend on your willingness. I actually already have a signed contest form from both His Majesty and your brother to marry me. But I can simply throw that away…" "And why would you do that!" "Because I will create such a scandal with you Seo Yeon, that you will be begging for the world to let you marry me." "I do no believe you, you will not upset my brother again." "He is married now with his own life with a child on the way. The only reason he hasn't looked for you is because he knows that you are safe in my care. And if you reject me one more time, then even I cannot save him from the wrath of my family clan who has established close relations close to our enemies in the palace. And I promise you now Seo Yeon, that if you even think about stepping foot in the palace yourself, then I will kill us both and leave your brother to bury us together." "So my life with you…." "You will sleep, wake-up, eat and sleep with me on my command, and I shall take away any children that I have with you to be raised by concubines…" "Concubines? But you promised me…" "I promised you that I shall never take in a concubine as long as you are willing to marry me. But it is another story if you reject me, because I shall never accept that from you." "And if my truths hurt you more?" "You are responsible for me since they day you saved my life, and you have to deal with what comes your way." "Why should I?" "Because you are mine." "Seon-Ho…what are you hiding from me? Where have you really been since the war?" "All shall be revealed after our wedding and not a moment before." "So I have to come clean right here and now, but you don' have to?" I hoped that she could read me enough by now to read my silences. But then I started silently panicking about how I had distanced myself towards her all this time before I started loosing my composure around her. Had I done too much of a good job? Did I push her away? Did I hurt her? Did it make her no trust me? I was the only person that she had here and I couldn't tell her anything, not yet.

It really did hurt me more than I expected to watch her cry silently when she closed her eyes as soon as I asked her that, but it also gave me an unusual sense of hope when I saw how much she was struggling with her own emotions. She wanted to say yes but something was stopping her, I could tell. I just needed to figure out what it was. This was irritating me on an entirely different level than anything I had been through. Yeon bothered me in general; she bothered me when she was in front of me and I could not touch her and she bothered me even more when she was out of my sight and I was left alone to wonder how she was and what she was doing all day long. And despite her new attitude, her new look and her new voice…it was just drawing me into her even more because Yeon represented everything that women in our time just wasn't. Confucius laws stated that 'women had to be pure, faithful, silent and obedient even beyond death." and a lot of other crap about them being segregated from men when Yeon had been brought up by her brother and myself after the passing of her father. She was only half of those things, but she was so damned beautiful that it actually unnerved me at times just how ignorant she was of her own beauty and I knew for a fact that she was pure. She had no idea the amount of attention she attracted and what a simple glance from her did to my body which just frustrated me even more. I wasn't allowed anywhere near the one woman I had to possess or mark before somebody else did and it was making me act so impulsively around her that a part of her must be frightened of me. But I had long lost control of myself and I needed to get Yeon and myself the hell out of here and away from my father before I did something that I could not take back.

"What are you doing? Stop coming so close to me…" "Stay here for me and I will give you everything that I possible can. If you want me to get rid of The Lady Min, then I can do it, if you want your freedom then I can arrange it, only on one condition thought." "Wh…what is it?" "You have to promise me that you will never in this lifetime leave me behind. If I give you my all then you have to as well. You have to love me." I could only imagine this scenario if I had the guts to say what I wanted to say to her, but we were not that free under a roof of half-concealed truths that we were keeping from each other for survival.

I longed to tell Yeon everything that I needed, that I wanted, that I craved and now I realised that this was something that only Yeon could give to me. Even now as she looked at me nervously and in shock, she had her hands around my waist and i could just tell that she wanted everything that I could offer her when her tears started falling down even harder. For a man to bare his soul to a woman was completely rare and it was terrifying, but there was something deep down that connected me to this woman in more than one way and I was dying to explore it. Yeon was the only light in my life now even more so than Hwi now and god only knew how close I was to taking her from my father's roof where I could finally have someone all to myself. And i was proven right when Yeon surrendered to me for once and pulled me in for a long and warm hug. Being this close to her was exciting, taking in her scent made me forget my issues and touching her right now gave me hope to carry out a real relationship with a woman that i could only have dreamed of. "What if…what if I'm forced to leave you behind? What if is for your own good?"

I had to admit that really did shock me a lot but at the same time I had been feeling that Yeon was…hiding something from me for a while now that was making her act like she wanted nothing to do with me now even though he could not keep her eyes off of me. She always looked sad and conflicted and she barely had an appetite anymore no matter what I sent her. "What are you hiding from me? Tell me." "Seon-Ho…" she breathed my name as if she had been dying to say it all along as she buried herself into my embrace. "I am so scared, and I am so conflicted…all I want is to stay here in your arms forever." "Then stay, what is keeping you from me? I already told you I will find a way to rid myself off of…" "No! No you…you can't." "Yeon?" "You are on a political rise now in the palace, and her family status can give you everything that you have ever dreamed of. I can't give you anything…" "NO! I have already suffered enough, I refuse to go through anymore pain…even if it costs me everything I worked for." "No…this world needs you and the goodness you can bring to it."Yeon…if you even think about running from me I will make your life a misery until you surrender to me, I swear it!" I told her as I pulled her in for one last sweet hug before The Lady Min announced herself. And with that, Yeon stormed out of my room and shut the door firmly behind her.