Miss, It’s Just a Cold

Chapter 65

Happiness, maybe.

My twisted wrist didn’t throb with pain as much as it probably should have.

I knew I shouldn’t get used to things like this, but maybe it had started back then—after I killed Ellie.

It felt like my senses had gradually dulled since then.

Whether I coughed up blood, drank hot water, twisted my wrist, or even choked myself, it all felt strangely muted.

Even pain no longer felt vivid.

But when I talked with Ernst or Ariana, it was different. At those times, I felt like something was still there.

Emotions, energy, a reason to keep breathing—maybe even a faint tether to this world.

I didn’t know what that something was.

But it didn’t matter.

There were always too many things I didn’t know.

This thought made my lips curl into a smile.

Ernst, having wrenched my wrist hard and thrown the gun somewhere, was now yelling furiously at me.

He was worried about me.

He wanted me to stay alive.

I wasn’t some worthless thing, a slave to be sold to the highest bidder, better off dead.

Ernst was proving that to me.

“What the hell was that insane stunt!?”

“Ernst, your mother doesn’t seem to want me here.”

“And so you pulled that crap just now!?”

Ernst yelled at me, his voice filled with anger.

So, I didn’t bother holding back the cough that bubbled up.

Eputch.

It wasn’t so much a cough as a weak sound, accompanied by something decidedly not weak spilling from my mouth.

Maybe the dizziness I’d been feeling lately was because of this.

The pressure on my twisted wrist eased.

I tried to move it gently, but it wouldn’t budge—it had been bent in a direction it shouldn’t have.

Sighing, I scratched at the itchy spot on my throat and answered Ernst.

“It’s the quickest way to get rid of an eyesore.

I was just giving your ignorant mother a small lesson.”

“…You know that what you’re saying is nonsense, don’t you?”

“Then, does your mother think I really killed my family?”

“…”

“What was I supposed to do? What should I have done?”

“I… I…”

“You didn’t know, either. That’s why you just left me alone.

At every turn, I find the solutions, and if people just follow what I say, everything gets resolved. At least the problems do—the problems always do.”

The problems were my mother, father, Ellie, Daniel, and that fourth sibling whose name I’d forgotten.

If I couldn’t even remember their name, maybe I should’ve let them live.

But that thought felt repulsive.

If I’d spared them, my mother might’ve clung to some shred of sanity and refused to die.

In the end, killing everyone had been the best option.

It was already done, so I’d leave it at that.

It hadn’t even been a few days, but I already wanted to forget.

The memory of impulsively killing Ellie and Fabian wasn’t exactly pleasant.

My life had always needed to be either joyful or absurd.

There was no room for tragedy. No one wanted a pitiful, miserable end.

“Countess, since you’re so wise, would you lend me some of that wisdom?”

The countess was trembling slightly, though she tried hard to appear calm.

Since I’d grown numb to the value of life—my own or anyone else’s—maybe I just wanted to think of her as insignificant.

That way, it’d be easier to speak.

“What should I have done?

You don’t know the details of my situation, but you’re wise enough to ignore such trifles. Surely you know what I should’ve done.

Oh, and pardon my improper posture—my wrist is a bit twisted.”

The countess didn’t answer my question.

She only looked at me with a mix of worry and anger. Perhaps she was stunned to face someone who had just tried to blow their own head off. Or maybe it was the sight of my twisted wrist.

“Don’t you love Ernst?”

Her question carried a hint of fury.

“I don’t see why you’d ask that.”

“You tried to kill yourself right next to the boy who loves you.”

Perhaps it was a natural thing to say.

Her son wanted to marry someone like me. How could she not feel heartbroken?

Even if she had slaved away only to hand everything over to a dog, it wouldn’t feel this futile.

For the record, I wasn’t trying to kill myself.

Pulling a trigger isn’t exactly difficult.

“Well, I consider him my closest friend, but honestly, I’m not sure if I love him.

If I had to prioritize people, I’d put myself first, then Ernst—that much is clear.”

That was a lie.

In truth, no matter who came along, I’d always put myself at the bottom, followed by Ernst, then Ariana, and then a long list of unnamed people.

I just didn’t want to look pathetic.

Maybe that’s why I, who truly was pathetic, clung to that desire.

“And I only trusted in one thing—that Ernst wouldn’t let me die.”

“…”

“My… my Ernst wasn’t raised to keep someone like you by his side…”

“And yet, the only place I seem to belong is by Ernst’s side.”

Being near Ariana was… too overwhelming.

Spending time with someone so utterly different, someone who wasn’t just unlike me but my complete opposite, felt like an environment designed to drown me in inferiority and self-loathing.

But next to Ernst, as always, I didn’t have to cling to my habitual self-deprecation. I could just be me.

Just Emily, Ernst’s childhood friend.

At least when I was by Ernst’s side, I didn’t have to worry about being called a murderer.

Killing my parents—was that such a big deal?

Well, it was, but somehow, in my heart, it didn’t feel like much.

I had simply pushed aside the things that had been weighing me down.

The method was just a bit extreme.

If it hadn’t been extreme, I wouldn’t have been able to push them aside at all.

Really. There must have been another way.

That servant… What was their name again?

Right, Rin. If I had just sent everyone outside during dinner and done it then, it might have been fine.

But I…

It was all my fault.

I’d already decided to accept that.

In any case, the countess truly loved her child.

As a parent, she gave Ernst the emotions a parent is supposed to give their child.

“Ernst, are you sure? Truly, absolutely sure about this?”

“…If it’s not Emily, I think I’ll feel empty for the rest of my life.”

“I’m still opposed. But if this is what you want, I’ll try to accept it.”

“…Thank you.”

Countess Altenburg nodded, her fingers twitching slightly, her expression conflicted.

“How touching,” I quipped.

“Just be quiet at times like this,” Ernst retorted.

I mimed zipping my lips shut as a joke.

“Emily is here because of me…” Ernst began.

“No, it’s not because of you. I just couldn’t hold out on my own and tried a slightly different method, that’s all.”

“When my mother is speaking, could you just listen for once?”

“I have to stick to the facts.

Listen, Ernst. Even if you ignored me completely, I wouldn’t wither and die like a plant deprived of sunlight.

It’s just… it’s harder knowing I don’t have anyone beside me.”

“Still, seeing you struggle like this—”

“I haven’t struggled.”

I grabbed my wrist and twisted it back to its original direction.

A loud crack sounded as it popped back into place, though it still refused to move.

This is why movies are so misleading. I tried to imitate what I’d seen, and it didn’t work at all.

Regardless, I continued speaking.

“I haven’t struggled.”

***

The conversation ended there.

My wrist wouldn’t move after being reset, and blood trickled from my mouth after another cough. It wasn’t a situation where continuing the discussion felt feasible.

Not that I cared.

The countess had said plenty to tear me down, but she seemed to be a rather soft-hearted person.

Ernst brought a doctor to tend to my wrist. He personally wrapped the bandages after the doctor applied something to it.

“Both Mother and Father told me to do what I wanted.”

His voice was filled with anger, though it carried a hint of sadness.

“So stop pulling these insane stunts.”

“I only do them in front of you.

You’ll save me.

Even if it weren’t me, even if it were some random stranger, you’d save them.

But you’ll save me, too. That’s why I’ll only do things you can stop.”

Every time the Reichten household crossed my mind, I felt an almost reflexive urge to blow my head off.

Sometimes, if I didn’t let those urges out, I felt like I’d collapse.

Whether it was morals, ethics, self-love, or affection—it didn’t matter.

“Tell me something to reassure me. Tell me you like me.”

Saying “I love you” felt too uncomfortable.

It was too uncertain.

I wasn’t even sure if I really loved Ernst.

But I was sure I liked him.

Who doesn’t like their friends?

Ernst was my friend.

He was my best friend.

“Yeah, I like you. Even if it wrecks the family’s mood or shakes the entire house.”

Hearing that, I hugged him.

That was enough.

It was enough to know someone cared about me.

Maybe I was a happy person after all.

Maybe. Possibly.

Or…