I'm Forever on Hold (BL)

—Hey, Semiel, you remember the subathon is in three days, right? —Saval said suddenly.

—Of course, it's your first one. How could I miss it? —Semiel replied, secretly glad that Saval had changed the subject.

—I want you to be there, but not just as a spectator—I want you to join me on the stream."

—Saval? Are you sure? I'd love to, but what am I even going to do there? All I know is how to play games.

—Don't worry, I've got it covered. We'll talk a bit about anime and some games. We'll start with some shooter games, then move on to Minecraft. We'll go after the Ender Dragon while using some mods.

—Sounds like a good idea. I'd be happy to be with you… on the stream.

For a moment, my thoughts slipped out. I hope he didn't notice… or maybe, deep down, I want him to figure it out?

—Alright then, it's settled. Make sure you're free that day. We'll check out some mods in the morning.

—How about a mod that makes enemies stronger? I saw one recently that adds terrifying beasts. It'd be interesting to try it.

—Sounds good, Semiel, but won't it need a lot of RAM?

—It's a well-optimized mod. It won't cause any issues, trust me—Semiel replied confidently.

—Of course, I trust you. You're my best friend.

—That's right, we're best friends.

I'm your best friend… but I want to be something more. Please, notice me.

—One more thing—I know we argued about this before, but… I want to invite Antonella to the subathon."

—…Are you sure? Maybe it'd be better if she didn't— Semiel said, his hands trembling as he gripped his chair.

Don't invite her. It's already hard enough pretending to be okay with her. Now having to see her during the subathon… it's too much.

Saval felt something was off. Semiel never liked Antonella much, but now his tone was tense, forced. He couldn't see him, but he imagined Semiel must be pressing his lips together anxiously, the way he always did when something bothered him.

—Are you sure it's okay? If it makes you uncomfortable, just tell me —Saval pressed.

—No, it's fine. No problem— Semiel said quickly. Maybe too quickly.

Saval wasn't convinced, but he decided not to push him. Not yet.

—Alright, then I'll count on both of you. It's going to be epic.

—Yeah, sure—Semiel muttered, sounding more anxious than excited.

AHHH, what do I do now?!

They kept talking for a while, but Saval noticed that Semiel was less engaged than usual. He wasn't making jokes, wasn't responding with his usual sarcasm. Something was bothering him, and even though Saval couldn't see his face, he knew his best friend wasn't okay with this.

After a few more minutes of small talk, Saval decided to end the call.

—Well, Semiel, see you this weekend. Get ready, because I'm going to destroy you on stream— he joked.

—Yeah, yeah, sure,—Semiel replied with a short laugh, but it didn't sound very convincing.

Saval hung up and stared at his screen for a moment.

Something was completely wrong.

Not just with Semiel—but with Antonella too.

I know Antonella has something to do with this, but… just how much is this affecting you, Semiel?

Running a hand through his hair, frustrated, Saval sighed.

He couldn't ignore this. He had to do something. Dante's words kept echoing in his head.

"What am I supposed to do with you, Semiel?" he murmured to himself.

I couldn't keep pretending nothing was happening. Something inside me screamed that if I didn't do something soon, the distance between us would only grow. And that was the last thing I wanted.

I need to plan this carefully, or I might ruin everything.

My only choice is to catch Antonella—maybe I should ask someone for help or find out if she's doing something to someone else.

. . .

Semiel lay on his bed, staring at the ceiling, replaying the call he had just had with Saval.

I shouldn't have accepted. I know that. I knew it the moment the words left my mouth. It was as if my own voice had betrayed me, as if my subconscious had rushed ahead of my desires and sealed my fate before I could stop it.

Saval wants to invite Antonella to his subathon. He said it so confidently that I couldn't say no. And I—I was afraid. Afraid of breaking the image he has of me, so I nodded. I told him it was fine, that I didn't mind. But inside, everything in me was screaming otherwise.

It's not fine. It can't be.

Antonella knows. I know she does. I see it in the way she looks at me when Saval isn't watching, in the slight smirk that appears on her face when I go silent. She knows what I feel for him, what I've been hiding in my chest for so long. She's playing with me. I know she's keeping quiet for now, but if she ever gets tired of my act, she could tell him everything. And now, she's going to be there. In the middle of his subathon, in his space, in HIS world. In OUR world. And I… I'll have to watch her interact with him, watch her laugh with him, see the way she looks at him with those eyes that used to be only for me.

Saval doesn't realize. How could he? He's… good. Too good. His heart is big, his kindness is genuine, and the worst part is that he never suspects how much it hurts me to be by his side. He never notices that every laugh we share feels like a dagger in my chest, that every time his hand lands on my shoulder, my whole world shakes. He doesn't know, and I don't want him to know. Because if he did, I'd lose him.

But Antonella knows. And ever since I became her pet, I've lived in fear of that moment.

I wonder what she'll do. Will she say something? Will she drop hints in the middle of the conversation? Will she throw indirects until Saval starts to suspect? Or will she just look at me with that pretentious smile, that gaze that says she's already won, that she has me in the palm of her hand, and I'm nothing more than a spectator in this story?

My mind won't stop picturing the worst scenarios. I see Saval laughing with her, joking, getting closer than he should. I see his eyes lighting up with that same excitement he used to save just for our moments. I see him drifting away from me little by little, and the worst part is that I wouldn't be able to stop it without exposing myself.

I can't be selfish. I can't let my feelings get in the way of his happiness. If he wants Antonella, if she makes him happy… then I have no right to say anything.

But it hurts. God, it hurts so much.

Maybe he suspects something, but not enough—because he still cares about her. And I know I'll never reach that level of affection with him.

I close my eyes and try to breathe. I need to calm down. I need to sort out my thoughts before this consumes me entirely. I can't change what's going to happen. The decision has already been made. The only thing I can do is prepare myself to face it.

Maybe this will be my ultimate test. Maybe this subathon isn't just another event but the moment I'll have to face reality. The trial by fire to see if I can keep going, keep pretending, or if everything will fall apart before my eyes.

Maybe Antonella won't say anything. Maybe she'll want to keep playing this game a little longer. Maybe Saval will never notice. But I will know the truth, and that will be enough to keep feeling like I'm losing.

Saval trusts me. He doesn't know that deep down, I'm on the verge of collapse. He doesn't know that every time I smile in his direction, I'm actually clinging to him with all my strength so I don't break. He doesn't know that when this friendship ends—because sooner or later, it will—it will be the only time in my life that I'll have wished I had never felt anything at all.

Saval is still online. He's probably planning the subathon, excited for what's to come.

And I'm here, trapped in my own personal hell, waiting for the day to come so I can face the inevitable.

I shouldn't have said yes.