I'm Forever on Hold (BL)

Semiel stared at his computer screen without really looking at it. His own reflection was faintly visible—tired eyes, dark circles, and a slightly furrowed brow. He couldn't remember the last time he had slept well, yet exhaustion wasn't what weighed on him the most. It was the storm of emotions churning inside his chest, suffocating him.

His cursor drifted idly over the icons on his taskbar until it hovered over Discord. Saval was online. The small green dot next to his name felt like a constant reminder of everything he had been avoiding. Ever since Antonella had come into their lives, things had become complicated, but beyond her, there was an even bigger problem—one that Semiel was too afraid to name.

He cared about Saval. Not just as his best friend, but in a way that terrified him.

The sound of an incoming call cut through his thoughts. His breath hitched for a second when he saw the notification flashing on the screen. It was Saval.

"Don't ignore the call. Don't be a coward," Semiel muttered to himself before taking a deep breath and clicking the answer button.

"What's up, Saval?" he asked, trying to keep his voice as normal as possible. But he knew his friend too well—Saval would notice if something was off.

"Nothing, just wanted to check in. It's been days since we last talked. Also, didn't you mention a new game the other day?"

Semiel swallowed hard. He couldn't let this conversation turn into another one of those where Saval tried to pry answers out of him. He had to change the subject.

"Ah, yeah. I've been busy," he replied evasively.

"Busy with what?" Saval pressed, his voice serious but carrying that familiar undertone of concern—the one that made Semiel's stomach twist uncomfortably.

He couldn't handle that right now. He couldn't bear the thought of Saval worrying about him, not when he knew that even the slightest slip-up could ruin everything they had. So he did what he always did: he dodged the question.

"Well, I've actually been trying out a new game I bought," he said, forcing a small smile.

Saval raised an eyebrow. "Oh yeah? What's it called?"

Semiel barely held back a laugh. Maybe this would work as a distraction.

"'YOUR MOM.'"

There was a brief pause before Saval burst into laughter. The sound of it filled Semiel's headphones, and something warm bloomed in his chest. For a moment, everything felt normal again. As if the weight crushing him wasn't there.

"What kind of name is that?!" Saval choked between laughs.

"I don't know, but when I saw it in the digital store, I couldn't resist. I mean, imagine telling someone, 'Hey, I'm playing YOUR MOM,'" Semiel replied, joining in the laughter.

Saval's laughter was contagious, and for a fleeting instant, Semiel allowed himself to fall into the illusion that nothing had changed. That he wasn't hiding a secret that could destroy everything.

But then the laughter faded, and the shield he had carefully built up began to crack. The silence that followed wasn't awkward—it was dangerous. Saval took a breath, and Semiel knew what was coming.

"Hey, Semiel… seriously, are you okay?"

For a moment, he considered lying. Laughing it off and saying yes, that everything was fine. But his voice betrayed him.

"Of course… why wouldn't I be?" he replied, but the tremor in his tone was unmistakable.

No, I'm not okay. But I can't tell you. Because if I do… I might lose you.

Semiel felt his chest tighten. He couldn't talk about this. He couldn't tell Saval the truth—that what was happening to him wasn't just about Antonella, but about himself. About what he felt every time Saval smiled, every time he touched him without realizing it, every time his laughter lit up his day like nothing else could.

"I don't want to talk about it," he finally whispered.

I can't. I can't lose you.

But Saval wasn't one to give up so easily.

"Look, I won't force you to tell me anything you don't want to. I just want you to know that I'm here. That if you need help, if something's worrying you, you can count on me."

Semiel clenched his eyes shut. How could Saval be so good? So genuine? How could he look at him like nothing was wrong while Semiel was drowning in this impossible love?

Idiot, why do you have to be like this? Why do you talk to me like that? You don't know that every time you do, it hurts more. Because it reminds me of this fear… the fear of losing you and losing what we have.

He let out a nervous chuckle, trying to dissipate the tension.

"You're still the same as always, huh? Always trying to save everyone."

"That's because I care about idiots like you."

Semiel smiled, though his heart ached. He couldn't tell the truth. He couldn't risk losing him.

"Thanks, Saval. Really."

Saval didn't look entirely convinced, but he let it go for now. Instead, he shifted the conversation.

"Hey, wanna play something?" he asked, his tone lighter.

Semiel saw his chance to escape the topic and grabbed it.

"Of course! Here, I'll send you the link. It's on sale."

For the next few minutes, they immersed themselves in the game. Semiel clung to every laugh, every dumb joke. But no matter how hard he tried to distract himself, part of him was still trapped in his fear.

Saval could never know the truth. Because if he did… Semiel would disappear from his life forever. And if that happened, then he felt like there was no point in going on.