I’m an Infinite Regressor, But I’ve Got Stories to Tell

Discord: https://dsc.gg/reapercomics

◈ I’m an Infinite Regressor, But I’ve Got Stories to Tell

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The Hypocrite I

A certain saying floats around the world as though it were a universal truth:

『People can’t be fixed.』

I disagree.

I, the Undertaker, stand proudly against this desolate era of “human immutability” with my firm belief in “human improvement”—a conviction which so happens to stem from the fact that I can pull life’s gacha as many times as I want, unlike ordinary non-regressors.

“You piece of shit! What the hell are you talking about?!”

My delicate care had once transformed Seo Gyu, notorious for his anger management issues and frequent quick exits, into a warden for the Anomalies.

And that’s not all. I’d turned OldManGoryeo into the Saintess of the North and a perennial chuunibyou dropout into the Priestess of an Outer God.

A career so dazzling, some might even call me the life coach for all mankind!

Even so, a daunting new challenge lay before this regressor.

“Hmm?”

Hair so silvery sleek it was worthy of being called a national treasure slipped elegantly over its owner’s shoulder as she tilted her head, staring blankly at me as I stepped into the convenience store.

“It’s strange,” she mused. “I set up a sophisticated booby trap at the entrance. How did you get in without making a sound?”

Yu Ji-won.

The greatest psychopath on the Korean Peninsula, and a first-round loser in the First NRMC Awakener Fighting Tournament, also known as the AwakenCup.

If it were me, I would have holed up in the Saintess’s house in Yongsan out of sheer embarrassment and lived the rest of my days as a recluse. And yet here Ji-won was, utterly unbothered and blank expression unbroken.

This did make sense, of course. That event hadn’t occurred in this cycle.

“Are you the owner of this convenience store?” I asked by way of greeting.

“Yes, I am.”

The lie slid effortlessly from her lips without even a hint of excess saliva. It was hard to believe that this woman, who now claimed to be the owner, had murdered the original store owner and staff to take over the place.

“Two packs of Marlboro Reds, please.”

“Marlboro Reds, got it.” Ji-won grabbed the cigarettes from the shelf. As she handed them over, she simultaneously pulled a hatchet from her waistband and swung it at my wrist.

Clang!

Her eyes widened in shock. To be fair to her, if a hatchet blade shattered like glass upon contacting human skin, even a psychopath whose heart didn’t stock the “startled” emotion would feel some sense of surprise.

“Did you just try to attack me?”

Ji-won immediately dropped her hostile stance. “My apologies. You entered my hideout so suddenly that I became overly cautious. Please, spare me.” Both hands raised in surrender, she subtly adjusted her posture to highlight her best features—transitioning straight from violence to seduction. “I have many talents. If you spare my life, I will pledge lifelong loyalty to you.”

As evidenced by the fact that I commented on her excellent hair care the moment I entered, Ji-won was the type who maintained her hygiene even in the apocalypse. Really, she used everything in her power, even in harsh environments, to maximize her assets.

This person was a natural-born genius of chaos, a leader meant for turbulent times.

In awe of her, it occurred to me that perhaps someone like Yu Ji-won, who embodied the purest of psychopathic energies, was more suited to being the protagonist of this story than a regressor like me...

“Fine,” I said coldly. “I’ll spare you. But even so, I will never forget that you tried to attack me.”

“I am already grateful that you’ve spared my life. Furthermore, you are entirely correct. I will work tirelessly to regain your trust, so please watch over me with a discerning eye.”

...all while she subtly confirmed that her life had already been spared and gaslit me into believing that keeping her alive was necessary to regain trust.

Had Yu Ji-won been born during the Three Kingdoms period, she could have gathered enough foster fathers to form not just a soccer team but an entire league.

It had taken hundreds of loops to perfect this method of quickly securing her loyalty.

https://dsc.gg/reapercomics

It was the 703rd cycle.

As always, I brought Ji-won into my party based on an “ancient promise.” Afterward, I revealed that I was a regressor.

This time, however, I set a slightly different goal.

An almost impossibly difficult objective. A quest so ambitious that even Napoleon might have hesitated to include it in his lexicon.

『Does the Silver-haired Psychopath Understand the Human Heart? Yu Ji-won Rehabilitation Project!』

This, my friends, was my ultimate passion project.

If the demon butler Cube could raise a common girl into a princess, and Helen Keller could be transformed into a remarkable adult under the guidance of Anne Sullivan, then surely a seasoned regressor like me could remodel a psychopath into someone with genuine emotions.[1]

“That’s the purpose of this project.”

“Hmm,” Ji-won hummed, resting her chin on her hand as she stared at the chalkboard. “Pardon me, but I question whether I’m worth pouring so much of your time into.”

“Oh, this is just a hobby of mine, something I focus on as a pastime. I usually assign myself side quests like this every cycle.”

“I see. I’m honored to be part of your hobby.” For a brief moment, her expression darkened. “But I’m worried.”

“What’s bothering you?”

“It’s just... I’m already quite ‘human,’ you see. I fear I cannot become any more human than I already am. How could I possibly satisfy you...?”

“?”

“?”

Thus began the psychopath test. (Let’s all solve this together!)

Q. In an apocalypse scenario, you break into someone’s home intending to loot it. However, the house is already ransacked, with nothing of value left. On the floor lies the homeowner’s corpse, and next to it is a bottle of bleach. It’s clear they committed suicide. Nearby, their pet dog is circling the body, seemingly unaware of its owner’s death.

What do you think when you see the dog?

“Thankfully, I didn’t come up empty-handed. I kill the dog for food.”

Q. Today, you and your companions successfully looted supplies. In the basement, you found a wine cellar.

“This is amazing!” your close companion A cheers excitedly. “It’s been ages since we’ve had any alcohol! Sure, we should save most of it, but why not let loose and get drunk tonight, just for once?”

Other companions, weary from life in the apocalypse, quickly agree.

What do you think is going through A’s mind?

“They’re planning to get everyone else drunk so they can hoard the spoils and kill the rest of us. The key clue is that it’s been ages since we’ve had alcohol. It’ll hit fast and hard.”

Q. How do you feel after killing someone?

“Which killing are you referring to...? Oh, well, if you’re referring to the most recent one, then I was relieved. There were already so many bodies around that I didn’t have to bother burying another one. Disposing of corpses is far more tedious than the act of killing itself.”

Q. What is love?

“Love is a justification humans use when they can’t explain their own motives or reasoning. They convince themselves that ‘This is love’ or ‘It’s for love’ to rationalize their behavior. In other words, a convenient invention that gives people a feeling of self-satisfaction.

“If it’s for oneself, it’s self-love. For others, it’s romantic love. For one’s nation, it’s patriotism. For one’s hometown, it’s regional love. It’s a versatile tool that can be applied anywhere—and quite an effective one, at that.”

Q. Do you derive any covert pleasure or superiority when explaining things like this?

“I’m sorry...? I don’t understand the question. Why would anyone derive pleasure from stating simple facts? Such things aren’t granted by concepts like self-assurance, they’re simply innate, akin to having a soul. My soul, as it is, is already noble.”

Q. Are you pro-Shu, pro-Wei, or pro-Wu?

“I support whatever faction you prefer, Your Excellency. Hmm? Sima Yi? What a coincidence! He happens to be my favorite as well.”[2]

Ding-ding-ding!

“Yu Ji-won! Being a psychopath suits you!”

“Why?” she whined, sulking.

I continued my efforts to “reform” this silver-haired psychopath. I had her assist at orphanages and save ordinary people from life-threatening situations.

“How does it feel? Thanks to you, these people’s lives have changed. You even saved their lives. This is true positive influence. Doesn’t it make you proud?”

“If a life cannot take responsibility for itself, it will soon face danger again. I feel like I wasted my time.”

Failure!

“Ji-won, kindness comes from love. You don’t know love, that’s why you’re cruel. It’s sad that you don’t know love.”

“Thank you for pitying me, Your Excellency. I’m so frail that I always need your understanding and forgiveness.”

“I don’t know about that... Anyway, Ji-won, what you need most right now is romance.”

She tilted her head. “Romance... you say?”

“Yes.”

“A complete waste of time. If I were a politician, I’d fake a harmonious family life for votes, but democracy is dead. Why invest in romance? It’s not like my love life is crucial to earning your favor as a key figure, is it?”

“Actually, it is critical!”

“I’ll start dating immediately.”

Unfortunately, even after exhausting all my connections, finding someone who could make Ji-won’s heart flutter was impossible.

“Fairy No. 264!” I cried. “Help me!”

“Hoooek! Love is known to trigger dopamine surges in our kind, the Bakus! I’ll gladly assist!”

Even if reality couldn’t provide it, we could create a dream simulation. Thus, we began searching for Ji-won’s ideal partner in her dreams.

“Alright, 264. Bring in the most handsome man in the world.”

“Hoooek! Summoning!”

“Zzz...”

As Yu Ji-won slept soundly, oblivious to her surroundings, the tests began.

“Hoho! Comrade Undertaker! She just met a super-hunk amalgam of Leonardo DiCaprio and Marlon Brando in their prime!”

“What was her heart rate?”

“The same as when she swatted a mosquito at home!”

Failure.

“Bring in someone highly educated and cultured. Someone who doesn’t flaunt it, no, but radiates a quiet depth of character.”

“A man so morally perfect that even Jesus and Buddha would want to be his sworn brothers!”

“Heart rate?”

“The same as when she saw horse dung on the street.”

Failure.

“Summon the strongest warrior! A born conqueror who can cleave the heavens and storm the battlefield with unmatched might!”

“Oh! There’s a slight reaction!”

“You traitor! So you’re into muscle-bound brutes, huh? Well, Ji-won, everyone has a type!”

“Oh, wait. When the conqueror starts fleeing from Liu Bang, her heart rate drops again.”

Failure.

“What about someone with absolute power in this dream world? Make them unattractive, morally bankrupt, and physically weak.”

“Hoooooek! Heart rate 90, 100, 110! It’s climbing! This is the highest recorded yet, almost as high as when you appeared in her dream, Comrade Undertaker! But it’s odd. There’s no similarity between you and this figure, aside from power. So why is the response identical?”

Failure.

Thus continued Yu Ji-won’s rehabilitation project, fraught with countless failures and endless humiliation.

Footnotes:

[1] Cube is a popular support character in the Princess Maker franchise who helps raise young women into the title of princess while Anne Sullivan was a real-life teacher who taught a blind and deaf Helen Keller how to communicate.

[2] Sima Yi was a talented statesman and general of the Cao Wei dynastic state, one of the three major kingdoms warring for dominance during the Three Kingdoms period. He was so skilled that he gradually amassed power and influence for his family until the last Wei emperors were essentially puppets of the Sima family.