I’m an Infinite Regressor, But I’ve Got Stories to Tell

Discord: https://dsc.gg/reapercomics

◈ I’m an Infinite Regressor, But I’ve Got Stories to Tell

──────

The Commentator III

Oh Dok-seo vs. Manyo Neko.

“Hoohoo! Behold, Far Eastern Magical Girl! This is my ultimate defense—AT Field!”

“Nya?! What is this, nyan?! Why doesn’t my magic work at all, nya?!”

“No matter what attack you throw at me, you won’t harm even a single strand of my hair! Wait, flying is cheating! Get down! Get dooooown...!”

“Oh. The barrier is gone, meow.”

“Nyanpunch!”

┏ Oh Dok-seo: Defeat

┗ Manyo Neko: Victory

Dok-seo made a disgraceful exit, failing to secure even one win. The audience, especially those who were fans of LiteraryGirl, booed relentlessly.

Lee Ha-yul vs. Phantom Blade.

“...”

“...”

“...!”

“...?!”

“...”

“...!!”

“...”

“...”

Both competitors, for the record, had speech impairments.

Furthermore, Ha-yul had no legs and relied on mobility aids, while Phantom Blade lived up to her name, having no arms.

Theirs was probably the quietest match in the history of the tournament. Ha-yul spent the entire time running away, planting puppet strings throughout the arena. In the end, she used them to cocoon Phantom Blade like a caterpillar and hoist her into the air.

┏ Lee Ha-yul: Victory

┗ Phantom Blade: Defeat

Surprisingly, the audience enjoyed it. However, SG Net later accused me of being biased in my commentary toward Ha-yul, calling me a “famous puppeteer’s daddy.” I deleted the baseless slander using admin privileges.

Lee Baek vs. Seo Gyu.

“Damn it. Why the hell do I have to...?”

“Hey, you piece of shit!”

“What? You don’t even know me. Why the insults?”

“You look like a shitty bastard. Do I need to see you twice to know it, asshole?!”

“You son of a— You’re dead meat.”

“Bring it on, you piece of shit!”

A legendary anger management showdown.

Threatened with exclusion from life itself if they refused to participate, Lee Baek was thoroughly beaten like a ragdoll by Seo Gyu.

While earlier matches showcased dazzling skills, this one was a mudslinging brawl at its lowest level, yet the audience was ecstatic with it.

For a brief moment, I thought I saw someone with pink hair clapping gleefully in the stands. But I refused to glance in that direction.

┏ Lee Baek: Defeat

┗ Seo Gyu: Victory

Though many other matches stood out, I’ll skip them in the interest of brevity. After all, I don’t intend to bloat your data usage by expanding my commentary unnecessarily.

From the Round of 32, to the Round of 16, and then to the Quarterfinals.

Finally, at the cusp of the Semifinals and the Finals...

Dang Seo-rin vs. Cheon Yo-hwa.

The two main instigators who forced me to host this international sports event now faced each other on a single-log bridge.

“From the blue corner, we have the Great Witch of Samcheon, guild leader of the Korean Peninsula’s top guild, idol of the masses, and leader of the Korean Awakener Federation—Dang Seo-rin! Oh! As I speak, her traveling fans fill one side of the Colosseum with fireworks!”

“Magical fireworks. A sight occasionally seen in Samcheon’s home base of Busan. They’re enchanted to release fragrant scents as the smoke dissipates...”

“This refreshing scent—it’s grapefruit! Grapefruit, folks! Tell us, Noh Do-hwa: why do you think Samcheon’s witches chose grapefruit as the scent for their fireworks?”

“Well, the Baekhwa Student Council President’s hair is orange, and grapefruits resembles oranges, don’t they? But unlike oranges, grapefruit has blood-red flesh when peeled...”

“So, they’re saying, ‘We’ll turn that orange into a bloodstain’?”

“Yes, it’s a poetic metaphor, I suppose...”

“Ah! Spectacular! Even their fireworks taunt the opposing team. Just how many months did Samcheon spend preparing for this match?!”

Down on the stage, Yo-hwa’s expression twisted while Dang Seo-rin smirked smugly.

“What’s this?! The Baekhwa cheer squad has suddenly appeared in witch costumes!”

“They look like cheerleaders in disguise...”

“Baekhwa students dressed as witches? Isn’t that almost sacrilegious? But... Oh my! The Baekhwa guild members are tearing off the witch costumes!”

“Oh...”

“Revealing their true form—Baekhwa school uniforms! Pure white sailor uniforms! The witch outfits were a ruse all along! They’re secretly sailor uniform enthusiasts!”

“They literally tore them apart...”

“But wait, there’s more! A doll wearing a witch hat is now burning on a pole! It’s a witch hunt! A declaration of intent to incinerate witches!”

“Actually, Undertaker, look closer. The doll isn’t just wearing a witch hat...”

“It has a train printed on its clothes! ‘Train Otakus Suck!’ That’s the chant echoing from Baekhwa’s stands at this very moment!”

“Fascinating. While Samcheon’s fans exude elegance, Baekhwa’s supporters showcase raw, direct provocations. People truly play to their stereotypes...”

“Ah! The provocation is too much! The two sides’ cheering squads are clashing! Aura and magic are flying everywhere, and parts of the Colosseum’s outer wall are collapsing!”

“Once again, thanks to Pyongyang Sacred City for hosting this mess. I’m so glad I blocked Busan as a venue choice...”

“Amid the chaos of hooligan clashes, the match... begins!”

https://dsc.gg/reapercomics

Despite my hope for a draw—a happy ending for all—fortune was not so kind.

The battle between Seo-rin and Yo-hwa turned into... Well, a shitshow, to put it bluntly.

“A high schooler? Ha! You’re just a glorified dropout. Oh wait, you didn’t even graduate, did you? Acting all smug, calling Undertaker ‘Teacher’ every chance you get. Don’t you have any shame?”

“Ugh. Speaking of shame, isn’t it worse to be a train nerd cosplaying around? Oh, but considering how you spend all day posting cringeworthy shit on SG Net, I guess expecting self-awareness was too much...”

“Cosplaying? Are you talking about the sailor uniform with the ‘7th grader’ badge? People envy what they lack, and clearly, your education complex is showing.”

“Complex? Compared to someone who constantly makes up Latin lyrics to stroke her own vanity, I’m nothing!”

“Die!”

“You die!”

So went the exchange between the so-called leaders of the two greatest guilds on the Korean Peninsula.

For the record, this was the sanitized version of their dialogue, edited for dignity.

Was this truly the level of discourse we had reached? Truly, my heart swelled with... something.

“Raaaagh!”

The battle raged on for a grueling forty minutes. When both of their Aura reserves were exhausted, the fight devolved into a brawl. Yo-hwa finally gained the upper hand by mounting Seo-rin and pinning her down.

“Kneel! I said kneel already! Just give up!”

“Ugh... Agh... Mmph...”

Yo-hwa forced Seo-rin into a dogeza, clutching her head and slamming it down. Meanwhile, Seo-rin gnawed on Yo-hwa’s ankle like a rabid animal.

Dignity? Decorum? Nothing of the sort remained to be seen.

“This is dogeza! This counts, right? Referee! Refereeeee!”

“Hoek! Validated!”

Fairy No. 264, acting as the referee, confirmed the match’s outcome.

With that, Yo-hwa let out a roar of triumph. Despite her Aura being depleted, her cry echoed powerfully through the Colosseum. Her victorious pose resembled the iconic moment when Jungle Pocket crossed the finish line first in the 2001 Japanese Derby.[1]

“I won! I won fair and square! Not a single one of you can deny it! I defeated Dang Seo-rin!”

“Ugh...”

“Hahaha! Ha! Hahaha! Teacher! I, Cheon Yo-hwa, the President of Baekhwa Girls’ High, am the best mage on the Korean Peninsula! I am the strongest!”

Clap.

Someone began clapping.

Clap. Clap-clap-clap-clap-clap-clap-clap.

Moved by her roar, the audience rose to their feet, delivering a standing ovation.

Unfortunately, the street fight between the two guilds’ fans had already resulted in a victory for Samcheon. Their supporters had no cheers left to offer, while their battered witches could barely muster half-hearted jeers.

The Colosseum stood in ruins, its skeletal walls exposed as if the scene had shifted from ancient Rome to modern Italy.

We were witnessing history.

This was the apocalypse. A world where neither weak sports nor weak spectators could survive.

┏ Dang Seo-rin: Defeat

┗ Cheon Yo-hwa: Victory

I grabbed the mic.

“What a moving moment! The long-forbidden debate—Dang Seo-rin versus Cheon Yo-hwa—a topic that would reduce all conversation participants to metaphorical Russians, has finally been resolved! Noh Do-hwa, your thoughts?”

“Just look at this mess. I’m so glad we didn’t hold this in Busan...”

“Thank you. And now, despite her elimination in the Quarterfinals, Sim Ah-ryeon is healing the injured competitors. Oh! Dang Seo-rin! The match is over! No more fighting!”

“Uh oh. Fairy No. 264 stepped in to break it up and... got obliterated...”

“Graaaaaah!”

“Well, it’s not like anyone cares whether a fairy lives or dies...”

“Your sacrifice will not be forgotten, Fairy No. 264!”

Order was finally restored to the arena.

Though in the process, the already-halved Colosseum was reduced to a quarter of its original structure.

There is an epilogue.

“Ladies and gentlemen! Out of the original 80,000 spectators, only 20,000 remain! A historic first in sports history—the Finals have fewer viewers than the Round of 32!”

“I can’t even tell if this is a tournament or a mass hospitalization. Sim Ah-ryeon is working overtime...”

“This is precisely why, despite all the slander and accusations, I’ve stuck with Sim Ah-ryeon since our days at Busan Station. And now, at last! The Finals of the first AwakenCup—determining the strongest Awakener in Korea, no, the world! Let’s welcome our competitors!”

“In the blue corner, still bearing bite marks from Dang Seo-rin, it’s Cheon Yo-hwa...”

“And in the red corner!” I cried, pointing to the arena. “A mysterious mask! Descended from the ruins north of the Han River in Seoul! Their alias remains unknown! Is this Gaksital? No, it’s Potato Mask! Potato Mask, enter the ring!”

Standing there was Saintess.

No, not the fake “Northern Saintess” of the Eastern Holy State. The real Saintess, the one who had been secluded in Yongsan. A true Saintess in every sense of the word—a genuine recluse.

Not that I was implying Ah-ryeon wasn’t a “true” Saintess. But when comparing their reclusiveness, well...

Perhaps that’s why both of them fell under the same category of Saintess?

Anyway.

“As the match begins— Wait, what?! Cheon Yo-hwa is already on the ground in a dogeza?!”

“If I’m reading her lips right, she just let out a confused ‘eh?’ Looks like even she doesn’t understand how she got into that position so quickly. It’s as if time stopped, her body was manipulated into the dogeza, and then time resumed as if nothing happened...”

“This bizarre scene has indeed occurred, folks! Victory! Yet another victory! The mysterious Potato Mask! Every match—from the Round of 32 to the Finals—ended in a one-second KO!”

“Well, they’re blatantly overpowered...”

“Here and now! The world’s strongest Awakener has been decided! This has been Undertaker on color commentary!”

“And Noh Do-hwa as your host. Please never hold an event like this again...”

“Thank you, everyone! Until we meet again at the second AwakenCup!”

“You bastard...”

The First NRMC Awakener Fighting Tournament

Hosted by the NRMC, held in Pyongyang Sacred City

Winner: The Saintess

Footnotes:

[1] Jungle Pocket was the racehorse that won the 2001 Japanese Derby in a close race. The photo taken right after his win shows the horse mid-stride with mouth agape, looking like a human being smarmily bragging about their victory in a very cringe way.