Delusive Fate

#063

As I stayed still without making a fuss, his hands touched my back. His stiff, nervous touch stroked down my back. I could hear his irregular heartbeat through his chest pressed against my ear.

After a while, when I started to fidget, feeling annoyed, Ki Baek-woo quickly stepped back. Then he said:

“Come out when you want to, hyung. I’ll prepare breakfast.”

I came to my senses belatedly and went to the living room. I had no appetite, so I didn’t even glance at the breakfast Ki Baek-woo had prepared and instead crouched on the sofa. As I sat there ungracefully, sipping coffee and looking out the window, the inevitable contemplation of what a dick is came to mind.

A dick is… a man’s regret.

Oh, that sounds quite profound. “A dick is… a man’s regret. – Lee Han-sol” If you put it like that, doesn’t it sound like something a famous person might say? When I move, I should print it on a banner and hang it in the house as a family motto.

As I was lost in random thoughts, Ki Baek-woo appeared after throwing away all the food neither of us ate and clearing the table.

“Hyung…”

Ki Baek-woo stood in an awkward spot and called out to me again. As I kept ignoring him, he fidgeted restlessly like someone with emotional instability. How did I know? Because I could see his reflection in the window. Ki Baek-woo was in a frenzy, clasping and unclasping his hands, rubbing them on his pants, and grabbing the hem of his t-shirt. After a while of this, he finally approached the sofa hesitantly.

I felt the cushion sink behind my back. When I still didn’t turn around, Ki Baek-woo, who was sitting at the edge of the sofa, slowly inched closer. Eventually, he got close enough that I could feel his body heat even without touching. I sighed.

“Hyung, you know… do you need anything? Something you want to eat maybe… You didn’t eat breakfast. Have you lost your appetite?”

Yeah… hyung has lost his appetite because of his dick, Baek-woo. Before worrying about what others eat, why don’t you eat something yourself…? With your high basal metabolic rate, you eat a ton and still lose weight by the time you wake up, so how long are you going to keep not eating… Do you really want to become Korea’s number one pro-ana…?

As I was internally ranting, caught up in my own misery, Ki Baek-woo hesitantly rested his forehead against my back. I could feel his irregular, nervous breath through the thin loungewear. When I didn’t push him away, he clung a little closer. When I left that alone too, he now curled up his legs on the sofa and tried to press his body even closer. Ki Baek-woo whispered softly in a trembling voice.

“Hyung…”

Ah, this shouldn’t be happening. Why am I allowing this…? Fuck, what’s so great about a dick? I just want to cut off this damn thing. It’s useless anyway. Nobody likes me, so I have no use for my lower half. I don’t even want to have sex… But I still came this morning… I’m truly a pathetic fool. But after cutting off the penis, where would I pee from…? Would it just come out from the middle of the scar…? What if the hole closes up during recovery… Would I become someone who can’t even pee…?

As I was lost in melancholic monologue, Ki Baek-woo timidly grabbed my clothes around my shoulder blade and said very quietly.

“Hyung, you know… Was I not good enough this morning? You’re not eating and all because you’re annoyed with me, right…?”

“…”

“I can do better if we try again. Hyung, I can really do anything… I’m strong, and I’m good at cleaning. You can have all the money I earn. I’ll, I’ll eat less… I’ll do everything you say. I’ll listen well, and I can make it so you don’t have to worry about me at all. Like now, no, even more than now, I’ll do everything.”

Since I let him cling to me, Ki Baek-woo continued saying things I didn’t want to hear. Useless and hopeless words. Ah, I really don’t want to hear this. I could probably make him shut up if I got angry and threw a fit, but I don’t even have the energy for that, and it’s just painful. I wish I knew what to do to avoid this bastard saying such shameless things.

Just then, my phone on the sofa armrest buzzed. Looking down, I saw [Ham Yun-ah] on the screen. Wanting to escape this moment, I quickly checked the message that I would have ignored under normal circumstances.

Ki Baek-woo continued talking.

“So… can’t you not abandon me…? I did everything wrong… I won’t do it again, hyung, I’m not asking you to like me… Just don’t move… somewhere else and let’s just stay together… I’ll really do everything, so you won’t be uncomfortable… Ca-can’t you think about it one more time…? Hyung…”

I stood up abruptly. Ki Baek-woo, who had been clinging to my back like a turtle shell, fell back pathetically. He looked up at me with eyes full of tension. If he’s going to be so scared that I might have an outburst, why does he bring up pointless talk about things that are already over?

Right, it’s all my fault, who else can I blame? He’s probably emboldened because I’ve been vaguely accepting this.

I’m an idiot. I’m such a fool that I don’t even have the will to pretend to get angry anymore when Ki Baek-woo talks about moving and pushes my outburst buttons. Ah, I wish five nights would pass quickly. Then it would finally be moving day, and I wouldn’t have to feel this pointless depression anymore.

I thought to myself as I silently stared at Ki Baek-woo. At this, Ki Baek-woo’s already unwell face turned pale as a sheet. Whatever he was thinking, his sharp jawline, thinned from weight loss, trembled slightly. He stammered:

“Hyung, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to upset you, I just, I just wanted to say that I could do that for you, so…”

I don’t want to hear apologies either. I just want to do some soul-searching somewhere Ki Baek-woo can’t see me. No, I just don’t want to think about anything.

“Ki Baek-woo.”

“Ah, no. Hyung, you don’t have to answer. I’m sorry. I was, I was too hasty… Sorry, can’t you just pretend you didn’t hear it…?”

“Hyung is going out for a bit.”

“…Huh?”

“I said I’m going out for a bit.”

I said as I jumped down from the sofa where I had been standing blankly. This life is getting more and more ridiculous. To think that I would decide to go outside. To think that I would prefer being outside with worthless people because being at home with Ki Baek-woo is uncomfortable.

As I headed to the small room to change clothes, I felt a vibration in my hand. It seemed a reply had come to the message I had just sent. I looked at my phone.

Ham Yun-ah

[Han-sol]

[Hee-ju and I came to A District after so long, wanna come out? Hee-ju says he got a boyfriend here so we’re heading to the central street lol]

[Just thought of you since we’re in A District and contacted you lol Doubt you’ll come out though haha Probably won’t even reply haha]

[I’m coming.]

Ham Yun-ah

[??]

[?]

Ham Yun-ah

[Is this really Han-sol replying so quickly? Is it true you’re coming out? You’re not the real Lee Han-sol, are you]

[Stop messing around, I’m already stressed enough as it is]

Ham Yun-ah

[See you at the central street bus stop;;;;;]

***

I’m now sitting in a popular tonkatsu restaurant in the central street of A District. And I felt like shit.

Nothing I try to do ever goes right, so even just going out had its complications. When I was thinking about wanting to be somewhere without Ki Baek-woo and without any thoughts, Ham Yun-ah’s timely message arrived.

I’m a nationwide outcast. Because of that, even if I ran out alone, I would just wander around the apartment complex, lost in my own thoughts just like when I’m at home. In the midst of that, Ham Yun-ah conveniently suggested meeting up, so I had no reason to refuse. Although I’ve never had private meetings outside with people like this before, it would certainly be better than staying at home and wallowing in misery. Being among these bastards would be so annoying that I wouldn’t have time for unwanted thoughts. But of course, Ki Baek-woo was the problem again.

If Lee Han-sol is experiencing a shitty situation, look up and you’ll see Ki Baek-woo. He’s always the cause…

From the moment I said I was going out, Ki Baek-woo acted like a crazy person, no, he is definitely a crazy person, but anyway, he really went berserk. He grabbed my hands as I was taking off my loungewear and putting on jeans, and said:

‘I’m sorry, hyung, I’m sorry, I won’t say such things again, hyung, don’t go, hyung, I’m sorry, hyung, don’t go.’

Holding onto me in an awkward position with just one leg in my jeans and no shirt on, Ki Baek-woo knelt down, then stood up unsteadily, making a fuss. I tried to shake him off, almost losing my balance in the process. Ki Baek-woo then pulled me into a tight hug and spoke haltingly, breathing irregularly:

‘Where are you going, hyung, it’s not moving day yet, hyung, where are you going… Hyung, I’m sorry, please don’t go, it’s all my fault, I ruined everything, hyung, I’m sorry.’

I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I did wrong I’m sorry hyung I’m sorry I did wrong I’m sorry please please please hyung no I’ll never do it again I’ll never say anything that bothers you again I just won’t say anything from now on please don’t go give me time I’m sorry please

He muttered strange things with his forehead pressed against my shoulder. His voice was urgent and uneven, as if he didn’t know what to do. He seemed to think I was leaving for good.

Even when I went to the pharmacy for a bit last time, he acted crazy, what kind of symptom is this? He’s like a dog suffering from separation anxiety. I don’t mean that in a derogatory way, but in the literal sense of a barking dog. I’ve seen it on TV shows about pets. A poodle or Maltese that goes crazy and bites its own tail as soon as the owner leaves.

I cursed at him to move and punched his back repeatedly, but Ki Baek-woo showed no sign of letting me go. It was a bit pathetic to be in this situation, wearing only underwear. I barely managed to calm Ki Baek-woo down.

‘I’m coming back. Stop making a fuss and let go of hyung, Ki Baek-woo.’

‘You’re lying.’

‘I’m not. I said I’m coming back. I’m just going to the central street.’

‘Why. Why. Why are you going there? If you need something done, tell me, hyung. I’ll go. If there’s something to buy, I told you to tell me everything, hyung, I’ll do it all. You don’t need to trouble yourself, just stay home comfortably. I’ll do everything.’

‘I’m going to see someone, how can you do that instead? Stop it and move.’

‘Who are you going to see? Who? Hyung, can I come along? I’ll take you there, can I come too? Hm?’

‘Ham Yun-ah and Seo Hee-ju.’

‘Can I come too? I’ll just follow along and not do anything. I’ll stay far away. Would that be okay? Hm?’

‘This is really getting out of hand. Baek-woo, then you go out. Go out and come back late at night. Hyung will just stay home.’

‘Hyung, let’s stay together… Please. Give me some time… I, you know, I…’

Faced with his incoherent ramblings, I just shut my mouth and stared into space with dead eyes. I mechanically patted Ki Baek-woo’s back. After a long while, Ki Baek-woo took a step back, staggering, and looked at me. His eyes were bloodshot. A blank face.

I don’t know what he was thinking, but from that point on, Ki Baek-woo was silent. Taking advantage of the quiet, I quickly put on my jeans and buttoned them. I roughly put on a white t-shirt, tucking it into my pants, threw on a checkered shirt, and dashed to the entrance. Ki Baek-woo followed behind like a shadow, his mouth tightly shut. All the way to the elevator, out of the apartment, and to the path leading to the bus stop. I was the one who couldn’t hold it in and shouted first:

‘Stop following me! Ki Baek-woo, get lost. Ki Baek-woo, go home right now!’

‘…’

‘I said I’m coming back, I’m not leaving for good, I’m coming! Back! How many times do I have to say it!’

‘You’re coming back…?’

‘Yes!!!!! How many times do I have to say it!!!!!!’

‘Hyung, you’re really going to the central street, right? You’re going there, and then coming back, right?’

‘If you don’t leave right now, I really won’t come back!!!!!!!!’

Only after hearing my shouts, as if I was a senile old man yelling at the top of my lungs, did Ki Baek-woo finally stop.

Remembering Ki Baek-woo standing there pathetically on the sidewalk until I disappeared made me laugh bitterly. Well, I’ll be damned, I really can’t believe myself.

Recalling the previous incident made me feel stuffy and thirsty. I felt like I needed to drink cold water right away.

“Water.”

“is self-serve, but I’ll pour it for you.”