Wasn’t This a Night Game

Becoming a Useless Saint (Revised)

{The Goddess’s Chosen shall arrive with the purest of bodies.

Without any sacred mark or sign, simply pure and untainted.

This is because grace does not discriminate, and Her Chosen understands this.

You shall know the Chosen not by sacred marks,

But by the laughter of children and the screams of the wicked that surround them, and by these, you shall know.}

-Grace Bible, Chapter 32 Verse 17-

*

“aaah!!! aaah!…….Saint! Saint!!”

The mouth of a filthy sewer.

White-robed priests and holy knights, amidst all sorts of filth and grime, prostrate themselves towards me.

I was still just blinking.

What in tarnation is going on?

Didn’t they say there weren’t supposed to be any sacred marks?

So, what’s with suddenly acting like this?

“Give me some clothes to wear.”

Gotta get dressed first, at least.

Honestly, now that I’d stripped down, I realized…

The clothes I’d been wearing.

Totally filthy.

That got the clerics and holy knights scrambling.

“Put this on, please!”

The bald geezer who was apparently the High Priest, eyes brimming with tears, presented me with a pristine white Lilia cleric’s robe. I had to endure a humiliating wardrobe change in front of everyone’s staring eyes.

Even after changing, the gazes of adoration and longing didn’t stop.

Ugh, please stop looking at me like that!

A nobody like me can’t handle that kind of attention, you know?

“Please, care for the children. They are poor, pitiful things.”

“Of course! Of course! Holy One! We will care for them.”

After handing over the fifteen young girls to the clerics of the Lilia Order, an awkward silence settled between us.

“Nyeooorgh!! Eooogh! aaah!!”

Only the spasmodic screams of the robber who’d tried to relieve me of my dagger moments ago filled the alleyway.

“The laughter of children and the screams of the wicked will surround you. aaah! It is exactly as the Holy Book foretold!!”

“Holy One!! Holy One! What must we do now! Lead your humble servants!!”

The holy knights and clerics, especially the bald geezer, were looking at me, practically weeping with emotion.

It’s driving me crazy.

Still, on the other hand, I wasn’t going to be burned at the stake, so, score? I was thinking, when…

The High Priest cautiously approached, taking my hand in his.

“What does the Goddess of Grace say? Holy One? Tell us what she speaks. We will listen and obey.”

Goddess of Grace says nothing of the sort. She hasn’t uttered a single word to me until now.

I am a man without faith from the very beginning, you see?

While I was thinking that,

suddenly a chilling thought grazed my mind.

A man without faith.

That sort of man is acting the part of a holy one sent by the goddess, going around and around.

Luckily enough, those before me are mistaking me for a holy one, so I managed to avoid a burning-at-the-stake ending.

But…

Lilia. Doesn’t even the Goddess of Grace herself know this fact?

In this worldview, a god isn’t some abstract concept.

They are breathing and living, actually granting miracles and divine power to their followers, undeniably existing beings.

A omniscient, omnipotent being who knows my thoughts and past actions is clearly alive and watching, yet these people are now worshipping me as a holy one.

That instant, I felt the blood drain from my entire body at once.

No matter how much I say no.

No matter how much I try to escape, these people don’t seem like they’ll ever give up on me and leave.

It sounds like I’ll be forcibly propped up as a holy one…

Then doesn’t that mean there’s a chance I’ll be struck down by the goddess’s divine punishment and die?

I have to run away!!

But I heard there was something called a miracle of pursuit, or something like that, right?

Escape? Fat chance, they’d have me in a blink!

And even if I *could* get far, the state of these zealots… felt like they’d chase me to the very pits of hell if I tried.

As long as they treat me like some saint, and even if I scream I’m *not*, the Goddess’s wrath for falsely claiming her saint? That’d be snapping at my heels too, no doubt.

So, what’s the bottom line?

I gotta ditch these people.

Make the Lily Order folk give up on me.

But also, avoid getting burned at the stake for heresy…

Anything? *Anything* I could do?

‘What if I said my powers are gone?’

First thought, yeah, but then I look at the matchstick girls still huddled around me like flies, and that idea just… dies.

Barely enough time to run as it is, and now this mess because I couldn’t just leave some poor kids alone!

Even if I shout I can’t use my powers anymore, that I’m just a useless nobody, the moment some poor soul shows up in front of me, I’d be healing them, wouldn’t I?

Goddamn it all to hell.

Why can’t I just harden my heart?!

So, how then…

How do I shake these leeches?

While stewing, an idea flickers.

I mean, come on.

In novels, there’s *always* that one useless priest, right?

What if I acted like *that* kind of priest? Wouldn’t they all get disillusioned and just… leave?

Of course, the most important thing here is balance.

Can’t completely ruin the Order to the point where the Goddess gets truly pissed.

And, like it or not, I’m being treated as a Saint of Lilia, so I can’t commit evil acts that would tarnish the Goddess’s reputation.

Continue healing and doing good deeds, while at the same time acting so damn incompetent and foolish that people get fed up and leave!

[Ah! He’s really kind, but so damn useless!] If I can get that kind of evaluation and make people leave me, that’s perfect!

They’ll naturally leave me, and I won’t get punished by the Goddess! Doesn’t that sound good?

Yes!

This is the only way!!!

“Guide me to the temple.”

After a minute or so of frantic deliberation, those were the words that tumbled out of my mouth.

I intended to go and waste the temple’s money senselessly.

Just not to the point where the Order collapses and the Goddess gets angry.

Just enough that people recognize, “He’s a good kid, but damn, he’s incompetent!”

I’ll waste it like that!

“I am ashamed, Saint. The Order of Lilia is centered in the southern region, not the capital. A temple branch has not yet been established in the capital.”

Ah.

That’s right.

If there was a temple in the capital, there wouldn’t be any reason for it to take days to get here, would there?

I forgot for a moment, being the idiot that I am.

Then what should I do…….

“No.

There *is* a way.”

“Why do you say there’s no temple? Follow me.”

If there’s no temple, we just buy a plot of land and *build* one. Easy.

Must be as incompetent as possible.

So people get disappointed and leave me!

Buying a piece of trash land, useless as hell, for a disgustingly high price to inflict losses on them – that’d be good.

I led the people of the Lilia Order and the holy knights of the Sun Order out of that stinking sewer.

“Saint! Oh, Saint!”

“Lead us! Oh, Grace!”

The Lilia Order members, their faces full of expectation, followed behind me.

The more I think, the more I sweat.

Graceful Lilia is probably watching this whole spectacle in real-time from heaven, right?

To survive, I need to make these people abandon me, *fast*.

That’s the only way I can avoid getting smited by the Goddess and dying a dog’s death!!!!

*

When Erpa arrived at the Magic Tower with the priests of the White Order, it wasn’t long before Tower Lord Jurgen himself came down to the lobby.

“Greetings to those who serve the God of Annihilation.”

“Greetings to one who walks the path of mana. I trust you’ve already heard about the incident?”

“I received a general report. About a witch named Tudel from our Magic Tower engaging an Abomination-suspect in combat, and then the White Order taking it away.”

“Yes. That is so. However, the situation has… shifted. Everyone witnessed the Healing Saint healing Lady Erpa.”

If Erpa truly was an Abomination, her body should have melted away and she should have died the instant she experienced the Saint’s miracle.

But as you can see, Erpa lives, standing tall.

The meaning of that was clear to everyone present.

“It was our misjudgment. Lady Erpa was not an Abomination. Perhaps it’s difficult to believe, but she appears to possess an exceptionally…unique constitution.”

At the words of the White Order, everyone in the Magic Tower lobby stared silently at Erpa.

Receiving their gazes, Erpa slowly walked forward.

“What happened until now… an explanation will be necessary, wouldn’t it?”

Erpa retrieved her wand, which the White Order had confiscated and returned, and aimed it at the empty air.

“I shall allow you all to see directly.”

There were many, many scenes to show, but Erpa selected only the most impactful ones and displayed them to everyone.

The moment she realized Tydel’s plan was shown to all.

And then, Tydel’s image – drugging her with sedatives and mana suppressants, trying to murder her when she tried to stop him – was also revealed.

A battle ensued, and when the possibility of defeat arose, Tydel, screaming and falsely accusing Erpa of being an evil god worshipper… all his repulsively ugly moments were vividly.

Broadcast to the entire world from the victim’s perspective.

The expressions of the White Order personnel were not good.

Archmage Jurgen’s expression was downright rotten, and the witches and wizards from other Magic Towers also wore grave faces.

And after those brief, or perhaps lengthy, two minutes or so of Erpa’s memories had been completely replayed, Archmage Jurgen immediately issued an order.

“Seize Tydel.”

“There’s no need for that. His instigation claiming that Lady Erpa was a Calamity, even though she was not an Abomination, was a clear act of heresy. Therefore, we have already brought him in for questioning.”

A priest of the White Order, in a miracle of subdual, quietly dragged the restrained Tyudel forward, presenting her before the Archmage.

“We apologize for subduing a witch belonging to the Magic Tower without prior notification.”

“On the contrary, you’ve lessened our burden, so we should be the ones to thank you.”

At Archmage Jurgen’s frigid words, Tyudel’s face became ashen, as if she’d seen a ghost.

“I… I can explain. I can explain everything…”

She frantically stammered, trying to speak, but Erpha opened her mouth first.

“Tyudel intended to conduct human experimentation!”

Tyudel squeezed her eyes shut at Erpha’s words.

Staring straight at her, Erpha slowly explained everything to everyone.

What purpose she had been brought to the capital for.

How they had established a symbiotic relationship.

How their relationship soured and escalated to a fight.

She exposed it all.

Tyudel sweated cold, desperately refuting.

“These are ridiculous claims! There’s no proof!”

“Oh really? Then I’ll show you the proof. That thesis you bragged about being selected as representative. The shadow research, wasn’t it?”

Immediately, Erpha began reciting the shadow research thesis, from the first line to the last.

The sentences, etched whole into her mind, Erpha successfully recited entirely, in an instant, without a single pause.

Archmage Jurgen’s eyes widened.

“How do you know that…? Only Tyudel, myself, and a few judges should know that content…?”

“Because I wrote them. All of it. Like I said, me and Twydell, we had a symbiotic thing going. I ghostwrote the papers, and she used ’em as her own accomplishments. In exchange, I got magic gear and spellbooks to fix my body. That’s how I know about the shadow research.”

Every magician and witch gathered in the lobby turned their gazes towards Twydell.

Their gazes demanded an explanation, but Twydell just froze, unable to give a proper answer.

“Twydell. Is what this child says the truth? I would think you’d have some kind of rebuttal ready.”

Even at Jurgen’s words, Twydell remained silent.

Just kept her mouth shut.

At that sight, the people of the White Order, enraged, stepped forward.

“If you knew for certain that he wasn’t a Calamity bringer, and tried to indirectly kill Erfa-nim with our own hands, I swear in the name of He Who Extinguishes Evil, you won’t be seeing a good end to this.”

At the White Order priest’s words, Archmage Jurgen raised a hand.

“I understand your anger. But seeing as Twydell is a witch belonging to our Magic Tower, it seems proper that we conduct our own investigation first. And if Erfa’s claims today truly prove to be true…”

Jurgen looked at Twydell with a face as cold as frost.

“We will strip her of her tower affiliation and hand her over to you. You may then judge her for the crime of mocking the White Order.”

The people of the White Order quelled their anger at those words, then bowed politely towards Jurgen before departing the Magic Tower.

Jurgen gestured towards Twydell.

“Take her and proceed with an investigation using Veritaserum. Given the nature of the situation, I doubt anyone will object.”

Objections, of course, did not arise.

Combat mages dragged Twydell to the interrogation room.

Her expression was as stiff as that of a corpse.

After Twydell disappeared, Archmage Jurgen approached Erfa.

“You wrote the papers Twydell has been submitting all this time?”

Erpa nodded quietly.

Jorgen burst out laughing at that.

“Thanks to those theses, I was thinking of Tyrell as the next Archmage… but at this rate, I might have to hand the Archmage seat over to you.”

Jorgen approached Erpa and offered his hand.

“There have been so many twists and turns, but I still have to say this. Wouldn’t you come to the Mage Tower now? If what you said is true, and your talent is also true, I feel like I absolutely mustn’t let you go.”

Erpa smiled at those words and took the Archmage’s hand.

“If even someone like me is alright.”

Jorgen’s smile deepened.

“Come along. There are various procedures required to enter the Mage Tower. First, we need to know about your past.”

“Yes. Fine. But, just a moment before that.”

Erpa looked down at her top.

The lower two of the four armholes were empty.

It was because of the two arms that had disappeared thanks to the Saint’s healing.

Erpa took out her wand and cast a spell on herself.

She had mastered all kinds of magic to heal herself, but among them, she had learned magic related to bodily transformation so exceptionally well that you could say she was more than just an expert.

Before long, two new arms grew out of her, piercing through the empty armholes.

“It’s a relief the eyeballs disappeared, but it was so inconvenient when the arms that were there vanished. I figured it’d be better to have four arms for efficient work.”

At that, Jorgen looked at Erpa worriedly.

“If you have four arms, there might be people who look at you strangely.”

It was a valid point, but Erpa shook her head.

“The Saint declared this body beautiful.”

Erpa wasn’t ashamed of her form anymore.

The Saint had acknowledged it before everyone.

There was no reason to refuse, not even a sliver of doubt.

Örgen chuckled at her newfound confidence.

“I’d like to hear your past. Will you come upstairs with me?”

“Gladly!”

Erpa returned the Archmage’s smile.

The two went up to the Archmage’s chambers.

And they talked for a long, long time.