The TS Memoir of a Misogynistic Novelist

I need to go buy a swimsuit. I understood the surface meaning of that statement, but honestly, it made me feel quite uncomfortable. There was a reason beyond mere embarrassment and shame, something that transcended human dignity.

No, of course, I do have to buy a swimsuit. I know that.

But the swimsuit I’m thinking of is just a rash guard at the most. It’s probably completely different from what Eun-a has in mind. There was a reason I couldn’t easily agree when Eun-a suggested going to buy a swimsuit.

In the first place, Hwa-won might not even be interested if I wore a pretty or sexy swimsuit. At the very least, Hwa-won was quite firm in terms of her preferences for women. If you were to ask, she would probably prefer swimsuits that reveal a body, but… my body wouldn’t look good in that at all.

The reason I’m reluctant to thrust myself physically is somewhat similar. There’s a guarantee that Hwa-won wouldn’t get excited about me. I’m just too much of a clingy person for Hwa-won to feel any sexual desire.

…Somehow, it made me feel a little miserable.

Anyway, there was only one person I could ask for help in this situation. I sent a message to Hye-won after a long time.

[Hey][Hye-won][I have a favor to ask.]

The reply didn’t come immediately. In the meantime, I searched online for women’s swimsuits as I didn’t know what to wear. Right after I searched, I was bombarded with pictures of women in swimsuits showcasing all kinds of voluptuous bodies.

I couldn’t wear something as provocative as these bikinis, and even if I did, they wouldn’t suit me at all…

No, no, no, it’s not that I wanted to wear such revealing swimsuits. But when you think of swimsuits, bikinis are usually the first thing that comes to mind. I didn’t know much about different types of swimsuits; those pictures just came up in the search. I am, after all, a man and not someone devoid of sexual desires.

…And I guess I wouldn’t be completely devoid of them.

I had never felt any sexual feelings or excitement towards Hwa-won until now. I had never felt that way about anyone. The only time I felt something akin to sexual stimulation was when I previously watched pornography and denied that I was as ugly as those women in it.

Even though I still hadn’t vastly changed in my thoughts, what I couldn’t deny is that after watching that pornography, my hand unconsciously went towards my groin. I stopped right away, but seeing that, it seemed that my sexual desires weren’t zero.

However, that didn’t mean much because I had lived in a state of extreme cleanliness until now, remained a virgin, and had never even masturbated once. Since I hadn’t struggled with such desires, spending time like this hadn’t been problematic at all.

Hwa-won’s body was quite athletic and robust. She was probably exercising separately, and if I asked, she might say something like sex is exercise. Still, Hwa-won was a malevolent person. That’s why women tend to get attracted to her.

…But not me. I like her, but my feelings go beyond that. The reason I like Hwa-won is purely for human reasons. It doesn’t mean there’s no rationality; it simply means I don’t desire her sexually.

I didn’t have romantic feelings for Hwa-won.

This love… my love, our love had to be purer and more beautiful than that.

…But what if? What if later on, Hwa-won demands something like that from me? What should I do then?

I knew better than anyone that such a thing would never happen, which is quite miserable.

The current me is not normal, so if I had a body that fit Hwa-won’s tastes, I might have used it as a weapon. To obtain Hwa-won, I could sacrifice this body’s purity. Perhaps I could have become one of those ugly women from porn.

But since that wasn’t the case, if this love were to come to fruition, ironically, it would prove the purity of this love.

Humans were never pure. Therefore, being able to love someone without sexual desire meant the utmost purity in essence.

…But, but, in the end, aren’t lovers supposed to engage in such acts, ultimately?

In the end, in the end, in the end,

…we would have sex.

We’d blend our bodies, copulate, howl like beasts, and explore each other’s flesh.

I looked at my body. It was small, but nowhere near incapable. It should be quite possible. Maybe…

Of course, if Hwa-won doesn’t demand it and I don’t either, it’s a different matter. Then our love would remain pure forever. It would stay pure.

But what about Hwa-won? Hwa-won is a man too. He has sexual desires that need to be fulfilled. But would Hwa-won mix bodies with someone else? Would Hwa-won mix bodies with another woman instead of me?

…That absolutely cannot happen.

Not ever.

I wouldn’t be able to stand it.

I might even die from my inability to endure it.

Pure love would ultimately be tainted. If Hwa-won were to fall in love with another woman, I wouldn’t be able to withstand it.

Until now, Hwa-won has probably blended bodies with many women, but that was okay. It was in the past, and there was no love in it. I could overlook that. I could accept it. I could endure it.

But if that were to happen later, could I really remain sane?

Not just later. Even now, I’m likely to struggle with it.

In the end… the story goes back to square one.

Hwa-won wouldn’t demand sex from me. I wouldn’t either. But even if Hwa-won and I claimed to love each other purely, the sexual desires and urges born from these depraved bodies wouldn’t disappear.

Then Hwa-won would meet… another woman.

Numerous faces crossed my mind. Han Su-young, who had been physically involved with Hwa-won, Kang Hye-won, Hwa-won’s fiancée Yoo Seol-rin, as well as Han-bom and Seo Eun-a, whom I felt guilty even mentioning in this context, and even Im Mi-ra.

All of them, all of them wouldn’t do.

I couldn’t accept any of them.

I could never permit it to any woman, no, to anyone.

Only Hwa-won’s love should be directed solely towards me.

…I know. It’s a foolish thought. It’s ridiculous to think like this when I’m not even in a loving relationship with Hwa-won yet. How absurd. I bet Hwa-won has no such thoughts toward me. But once these thoughts arose, they raced out of control, overwhelming me.

I hated it so much, it hurt, I loathed it.

The answer… the answer was singular.

If Hwa-won doesn’t desire me, then I must aspire for Hwa-won. Somehow, with this pitiful and depraved body…

In that moment, I might find myself resolute.

The phone rang.

At that sound, I realized what I had been thinking. What the hell… what kind of foolish thoughts were these…? I must have lost my mind. I momentarily set down the phone and took a deep breath, calming my heart. The caller was Hye-won.

…The woman who had been physically involved with Hwa-won.

[Hello.]

[Ah, hello! What’s the matter?]

Kang Hye-won wasn’t a bad person at all. She hadn’t done anything wrong and was, in fact, kind. We weren’t very close, but she often helped me. Yet, I felt oddly guilty bringing up such thoughts regarding someone like her. But Hye-won had been with Hwa-won.

…I shouldn’t think about it. Think of something nice, something kind.

[Hello…?]

[Ah, I was just a bit distracted there. How… are you?]

[I’m always like this. Are you enjoying the clothes you bought last time?]

[…I wore them for a penalty game.]

[I wasn’t talking about that outfit. Hehe.]

Ah… is that so? I might have inadvertently acted foolishly. Perhaps my face turned a little red. I tried to act like everything was fine, but thinking about it, they wouldn’t be able to tell if my face was flushed over the phone.

[I’m just glad to hear you’re wearing them well. So, what’s the occasion today?]

[Ah, um, I called because I have a favor to ask.]

[What is it?]

[…I need to buy a swimsuit tomorrow and was wondering if you could help me.]

[Ah! Of course! I have plenty of free time because of the boss anyway.]

[Isn’t that a bad thing?]

[Right? Hehe. Business isn’t going well~ By the way, we don’t sell swimsuits at our store, so we’ll have to go to another store like before.]

Was it that store we went to before? It wasn’t bad, but I felt there might be more people on a Friday, and I didn’t want to attract attention. But it seemed okay for now.

[That’s fine with me.]

[Is Hwa-won coming, too?]

[No. I’m going alone.]

[Then shall we meet at that specialty store we saw last time? How long will it take you to get there?]

[I’ll get there soon. Don’t you have a car?]

[I have one, but I don’t have a license~ I usually make my younger sibling drive, but they have plans tomorrow.]

So Hwa-won had a sibling. Had I heard about that before? I feel like I might’ve during our meal together.

[I have a license, but I can’t drive. With this body of mine.]

[Ugh, I got overtaken.]

Hye-won exaggeratedly exclaimed, making me laugh. What kind of bad thoughts had I entertained about such a nice person?

[Then let’s do that. See you at the train station in front of that specialty store.]

[Okay!]

After confirming the time and place for our meeting, the call with Hye-won ended. I suddenly felt drained and collapsed back onto the bed. Ugh, this is really exhausting. It wasn’t the conversation with Hye-won; it was all those thoughts I had been entertaining before, which had become too overwhelming to handle.

Sex… intercourse… Whatever I called it, those words still held a significant aversion for me. I had never attributed much meaning to such acts in my life as a man.

Still… I don’t know. Should I be the one to seduce Hwa-won? Or should I comply if Hwa-won asked of me? Hwa-won wouldn’t be that kind of person, but… If Hwa-won were to ask, I—

Let’s stop thinking about it. I should eat something… I had missed dinner while sleeping and was hungry.

After finishing my meal, my mind was besieged by a strange mix of anticipation, anxiety, and fear. I had put up a notice stating I would take a break from serialization due to vacation and went to bed a bit earlier, but I didn’t truly fall asleep until quite some time later. I ended up repeatedly returning to those earlier thoughts, barely sleeping at all until dawn.

And then, I had a dream.

~

Maybe I would accept it.

~

No, I had to accept it.

~

That too was not right. It had to happen.

~

It had to happen.

~

That’s how it was.

~

I didn’t remember. I didn’t remember, but it felt as though I had a deep dream. I didn’t know what kind of dream it was, but I think I was bleeding. From where? I couldn’t tell. It hurt a lot, but strangely, it didn’t feel painful.

I think I was happy.

The Friday morning, the day I had to go buy a swimsuit, dawned. When I woke up, I realized my underwear was slightly wet.

My lower abdomen hurt.

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