The TS Memoir of a Misogynistic Novelist

My heart was pounding, so much that it felt like I was going crazy from the excitement.

I finally managed to calm down about an hour after Hwa-won left.

I stayed by the window until I could no longer see Hwa-won’s car. Even though the cold wind wasn’t blowing, I felt like I had caught a cold.

Was today’s meeting… successful?

I didn’t have the ability to judge that objectively, and even if I did, I wouldn’t have been objective anymore.

I had fun. I was happy. It was always like that, except when I brought up Hwa-won’s Yoo Seol-rin. I was on edge with every word Hwa-won spoke. I think I was a bit perceptive too. However, I still felt like my lies wouldn’t be discovered.

…I had already guessed that Hwa-won would simply reserve a regular restaurant. That’s why I did it. To stand out on purpose.

I didn’t think that just because I stood out, anything would change. I didn’t hope for this incident to escalate to the point where Hwa-won’s engagement would be canceled, or that those around would doubt the relationship between Hwa-won and me. Truly, honestly.

The reason I wanted to stand out was just… because I hoped Hwa-won would notice me.

What would happen if Hwa-won found out about this? Would she get angry? I felt anxious the whole time we were together. It was enjoyable, but at the same time, I was worried about what I would do if she suddenly got angry.

And it hurt.

It hurt because it seemed like Hwa-won didn’t notice my feelings. But because of that, I felt a bit relieved. I had no idea what Hwa-won or I would think of each other if these feelings were discovered.

I had a safety device. Hwa-won had sworn that no matter what happened, she would continue to be my friend.

But what if I… found out that I liked Hwa-won? Would Hwa-won be able to see me as a woman? If she couldn’t, would she still be able to see me as a friend? I was sure of it. That’s why I acted the way I did.

This safety device was both a relief and suffocating at the same time. It felt like this safety device was a shackle holding me back. If this device disappeared, would you abandon me too? I feared that because of this shackle, you wouldn’t be able to look at me.

I don’t even know my own heart well. I wanted to confess my feelings to Hwa-won. But despite that, I was scared and didn’t say anything. Even if I confessed my feelings to Hwa-won, what would it change?

What is it that I really want? Do I want to be in a relationship with Hwa-won? Do I hope Hwa-won breaks off her engagement? Yes, that seemed… to be the case. Every time Hwa-won called his fiancée’s name, my heart ached so much that I couldn’t deny it.

Then do I wish for Hwa-won to give up the position of heir to a company, a stable job, or success as a writer—all those things?

…I couldn’t force Hwa-won into such a situation. I didn’t want to be a burden. I didn’t want to become a weight for Hwa-won. But all of that was things that were unattainable for me.

How could I be so selfish, I thought.

Why did I end up loving someone like you? Suddenly thinking that, I resented Hwa-won for a moment, but stopped myself.

I didn’t want to say such things. Someone like you, that’s not how I feel.

I love you because it’s you. Because I can love you because it’s you. Because I fell in love with you because it’s you.

Even though it had been a while since my heart had settled down from being frantically excited, my feelings were still in disarray. When I went to the bathroom to wash my face, I realized my face was red. It wouldn’t have happened in front of Hwa-won, right? It had to be like that. I thought that, yet I also had the irresponsible thought that I hoped I had been caught.

I took a picture of myself reflected in the bathroom mirror with my phone. Why did I take it? Did I start to enjoy such things? No, I just wanted to remember the day I met Hwa-won. I should have taken a picture together at the beach.

Now I should change my clothes, but I didn’t feel like it because I was tired. I almost buried my face in the bed due to exhaustion.

And what I discovered was the makeup stains left by Han-bom rubbing her face on my bed.

…Even a child like her wore makeup and lived. I hadn’t realized because her original face was too deceptive. It wasn’t much since it was only light makeup, but still, I thought I needed to wash it. Thinking about it, I was also in a state of makeup. Still, while I had paused in the middle, I hadn’t gotten any on the pillow; it was only on the blanket, so I thought I could just wash the blanket.

No, should I just ask Han-bom for laundry money? I thought that but quickly gave up. It wasn’t as per my orders, but it seemed she had coordinated things well, so it felt too rude to ask for such things now.

Of course, if Hwa-won’s reaction was unfavorable, I would have just charged her.

Just as Hwa-won had previously taught me, after removing my makeup and resting for a bit, the doorbell rang. It was obvious who it was. When I opened the door, of course, Han-bom was waiting for me. Even though I knew she would come, I complained out of needless irritation.

“Why are you here?”

I could only properly hear Han-bom’s answer once she came inside.

“I came to hear about the date~”

“It, it’s not a date.”

“In general, it’s called a date when a man and woman dress up together and go out to eat and play.”

“…Hwa-won said I’m not much of a match for her. Why are you so excited?”

“Not much of a match, but after all, it’s Seol-rin’s choice…. I realized I don’t have the power to decide. Then let’s at least have fun?”

“Why… do you enjoy things like this, Han-bom?”

“Watching love is the most fun!”

“L-love…!”

Hearing it from someone else made me truly embarrassed. I felt my face coloring again.

“Isn’t that so?”

“…I think it’s right.”

Moreover, I couldn’t deny it either.

“Then, will you tell me about today?”

“I won’t tell you.”

“Why~ don’t you want to brag?”

“Brag? What are you talking about….”

“If you dress up and go, that kid won’t be able to resist, you know?”

“Still, it feels childish….”

“Both of you are over twenty, so it’s not a big deal. Should a short person never date?”

Yes, that much was rather okay. The problem was that there was a bigger issue between us. Han-bom did not know.

“Hwa-won has a fiancée.”

Once Han-bom heard my confession, she froze.

“What, what did you say?”

“Fiancée.”

Up to this point, Han-bom seemed to have no words to say and closed her mouth. It really is strange. I am indeed the one who’s strange. Liking a man who has a fiancée. What if she looked at me with disdain? That worried me too. I suddenly felt like crying.

But Han-bom’s first words to me were neither condemnation nor criticism.

“Can you tell me the exact situation?”

Han-bom was still the same as always. Ah, that’s why I can’t hate you.

~

I told her everything about Hwa-won’s arranged marriage, the related story, and the publication in America. It didn’t take long for Han-bom to open her mouth after listening to me and thinking for a while.

“Well, that’s okay. In the end, neither of them likes each other, right?”

“It seems that way for now.”

“Then let’s steal before it happens.”

“What?”

“Let’s steal.”

“B-but….”

…Is that what I wanted? Let’s think about it coldly. I wanted Hwa-won. Either that or Hwa-won wanted me. But for that to happen, their engagement had to be broken. Yes, it was a thought I had postponed due to fear, but it was a premise that they could not be separated.

I wanted to have Hwa-won. That meant I wanted to take Hwa-won away from his fiancée. To be happy, I had to break that engagement.

It was cowardly. It was a bad deed. It was no different from being a conscienceless piece of trash. Many such thoughts surfaced.

But… but in the end, I succeeded in self-justification. Well, it was no surprise because I had always lived a life where everything was taken away from me. I had nothing. Now, taking one thing away isn’t such a big mistake, right? It shouldn’t be.

Yoo Seol-rin, you have so much, so you can do it, right?

So just this one thing, I ask you to concede….

“…That seems right.”

“Isn’t it?”

Yes, that’s right.

“And you’re not even in love yet.”

“I met Hwa-won first.”

“I liked him first.”

“We’re closer.”

“I like him more.”

“It’s strange to be stolen from.”

It is strange. Yes, it is strange. It’s perfectly normal for me to feel this way. It’s not a bad thing. No, but, but,

“But if that happens, Hwa-won will be unhappy.”

“Can you say that for sure?”

“If I… if we end up together, the whole world will criticize it. They’ll say he left his fiancée for a strange girl who isn’t even his original. Hwa-won will hate it too. He wouldn’t like someone like me who wasn’t even his original and who right now is short, with a small chest and a small butt…. A person like that would hate it. Moreover, he would fail to inherit his father’s company, and the person who helped translate Hwa-won’s book is that fiancée’s mother. The publication in America will undoubtedly be blocked; even if this book is mine, I won’t be able to publish the next one. Especially not in Korea. But… but I can’t offer anything to Hwa-won. I have nothing to give to Hwa-won.”

Ah, I see.

“But I simply can’t give up.”

I am… greedy.

“It’s really a bad thing, it shouldn’t be this way, but I feel like I absolutely can’t give it up. I don’t want to.”

I am truly a bad child.

“I’ve always been the one suffering, having nothing, always being taken away. Can’t I, can’t I also be greedy?”

At some point, I found myself quietly crying. Han-bom hugged me.

“It’s okay.”

“It’s okay, so don’t cry.”

“No matter what the world says, I’ll support you, Seol-rin. No, I’ll support the person named Seol-guk until the end.”

“Since it’s been so painful, it’s time for you to receive compensation.”

“Seol-guk can surely be happy and must be happy; let’s say that together.”

“Believe that you will be happy.”

“Even if the snow melts, young flowers will bloom there.”

Even fleeting tears can become rain for the flowers.

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