LGHTNOVELBOOK Chapter 218
“Why did you suddenly stop eating?”
“Wait a second.”
I skipped over the strange aggressive comments and looked through a few incomprehensible ones. Things like “the pink atmosphere,” “the mood has changed,” and “is Se-ne and Ivan really going to end up together?” None of it was intentional on my part.
In the first place, there was no romance in Se-ne’s story. Se-ne and Ivan ended up opening their hearts to each other and became precious friends and trustworthy partners. But lovers? That development was not in my plans, and I had been writing with that belief in mind.
I began to wonder if I had unconsciously infused too much of my feelings for Hwa-won into the writing, so I stuffed the remaining spaghetti into my mouth and re-read what I had written.
However, I couldn’t find anything odd. I had described feelings that are perfectly natural for friends, merely depicting emotions for a partner. There was nothing resembling love there. This novel was not my autobiographical story.
While I was staring seriously at my smartphone, Eun-a and Mira approached me, seeming worried about the incident from yesterday.
“What’s going on this time? Are you going to go out again?”
“No,… hey, Seo Eun-a. You’ve been reading my novel, haven’t you?”
“What’s that supposed to mean?”
“Don’t pretend you haven’t. Come here.”
“Oh, you’re not fooling me.”
As a communication addict, there was no way Eun-a wouldn’t know about the story I was writing. Ignoring the impossible bluff, I called her over to confirm.
“How far have you read?”
“I’ve read all the way to the latest chapter. But if you posted today’s updates, I probably haven’t read that yet.”
“Then I uploaded two chapters today; give them a read and let me know what you think. Share your impressions and what people are saying in the comments.”
“What’s with you? You tell me too.”
While we were talking, Mira joined in. There was nothing in the novel that would be problematic to show off, so I freely shared.
“This is the novel I’m writing! You should read it and give me your thoughts.”
“Why are you suddenly asking? We were eating pizza!”
“Because I bought it, so work.”
Eun-a had read all the installments, but Mira had not. Knowing how someone who had only read the latest chapter would feel compared to someone who had read everything so far was useful information.
Both of them quietly read my writing while eating pineapple pizza. Since there were two chapters, it didn’t take too long. When they finally put their phones down, I asked.
“Let’s start with Eun-a. What do you think? About what people are saying in the comments?”
“Oppa, no, I mean, could you possibly be dating?”
“NO, not that, damn!”
“I don’t think there’s a problem with the writing itself. The elements revealing the psychology of both characters keep coming up implicitly. I didn’t expect it to be so blatant, though.”
Implicit? I hadn’t meant that at all.
“Implicit? What did I imply?”
“When the writer says something like that… It’s obviously referring to the fact that they both like each other.”
“This isn’t a romance novel.”
“Isn’t it possible to write a romance even if you don’t define it as that? You might not say it outright, but it seems like they both like each other. Even if not now, it feels like it will develop in that way soon.”
That’s absurd.
“Mira, how did you read it? What do you think?”
“Well, I’ve only read the latest part, so I don’t know much detail, but…. It seems like their feelings for each other are quite affectionate.”
“Specifically, how much?”
“When are you posting the wedding?”
“…”
“They seem to know each other well, understand each other, and show some desire. The emotions are a bit heavy, but they come across strongly. By the way, why didn’t you tell me you were writing something like this?”
“You’re a student preparing for exams…”
Why were both of them saying such ridiculous things? My head was spinning. It was strange.
“Wait, how did you all read it like that? It’s just ordinary thoughts about each other as friends and partners. It’s all incredibly ordinary and obvious.”
“If this is an ordinary friendship, then Mira and I must be at the level of strangers. Hey, do you think I think like that about you?”
“Are you crazy?”
“Look, this is what an ordinary friendship looks like.”
“You don’t have any friends other than Mira. Your words don’t hold weight.”
“No.”
“Up until last year, it was just me, and you weren’t even someone I could hang out with, so you came to my house every day.”
“Stop it.”
Just as I had defeated Eun-a with perfect logic, Mira was staring at me intently. Mira wouldn’t be as easy as Eun-a.
“Do you also feel like this isn’t an ordinary friendship?”
“Sister…, ah, this is so awkward. How many friends do you have?”
“Well…”
I recalled my human relationships in my mind. Friends—of course, I would include Hwa-won, and if I excluded the people I could no longer meet… um, wait.
“Uh, four.”
“Excluding us and Kang-hyeon.”
“…one.”
“Then your words don’t hold weight either.”
No, this isn’t it. This can’t be true; I couldn’t think of a retort. Naturally, I had the same number as Eun-a. I couldn’t just sit here and be passive, so I blurted out a counterattack.
“Mira, how many friends do you have?”
“Who counts their number of friends one by one?”
I got hit back instead. You mean you can’t count friends…? That’s a lie, right? What am I supposed to do if I bring up something like that? Besides, at that moment, Eun-a, who had recovered, also chimed in.
“Even if the change is a bit sudden, at least there are no comments criticizing it. Everyone knows, right? They must have thought these two would end up together eventually. Do you not recognize that while writing? As the story progressed, the hints became clearer. If that wasn’t intentional, that’s quite something in itself.”
“…but I really didn’t mean it.”
I didn’t intend for it to be like that. It might not seem like much, but I couldn’t help but react so sensitively. It’s not unusual for unintended meanings to get infused while writing. However, Se-ne’s story wasn’t autobiographical. It was just a novel I wrote for personal enjoyment.
If everything they said was true, it meant I had been harboring feelings for Hwa-won for some time and projecting that onto the writing. The former was not a problem at all, but the latter was different.
It meant that I wasn’t controlling my writing at all.
It meant that my writing was no longer my writing.
And most importantly…
It meant that I had publicly revealed all my feelings for Hwa-won to everyone.
It was obvious that my face was burning red without even looking in the mirror.
“I… I’m going to head in first.”
I was too embarrassed to remain in my seat. I went into my room, which I had lent to Eun-a and Mira for their study session, and simply collapsed onto the bed. The fluffiness that I hadn’t felt for the past few days due to lending it to Mira welcomed me back.
It was a pleasant sensation, but that wasn’t what mattered. I pulled the covers over me and hid inside. It reminded me of when I had my first period and was out of my mind with the flu, doing things in front of Hwa-won. I was that shaken at the moment.
So, to sum up what the others said, it was like I had publicly posted a love letter to Hwa-won.
~
After I lay under the covers, I heard Eun-a’s voice come through after finishing her meal.
“Where are we going to study?”
“Go to the dining table…. And you need to go home.”
“I’ll be here until tomorrow.”
“…Why?”
“Because I planned on it from the start, and I brought my underwear and everything.”
“Did you ask for permission?”
“Just asking for it now.”
“Get out.”
Of course, my eviction proclamation wouldn’t be respected. Eun-a gathered her stationery and reference books from my desk and exited the room. She even closed the door behind her, and when I heard the sound of the door closing, I peeked my head out from under the covers.
I saw two books on my bookshelf. “Wuthering Heights” and “Pride and Prejudice.”
Both were romance novels by female authors. However, they weren’t just simple romance novels; they were masterpieces regarded as classics.
I didn’t particularly like them.
Why, of all times, were these books catching my attention now? Why me, of all people? I wasn’t Elizabeth Bennet, and Hwa-won wasn’t Mr. Darcy. Catherine and Heathcliff? Don’t make me laugh. Do you think that suits us?
Our relationship hadn’t been so convoluted or dark, nor was it that heavy or painful.
It wasn’t that burdensome, nor was it that distressing.
Our relationship had become the singular path remaining for me. That couldn’t be.
I was filled with prejudice like Bennet, and Hwa-won was as arrogant as Darcy. Perhaps that’s why we could become friends.
I wasn’t passionate like Catherine, and Hwa-won wasn’t consumed by madness like Heathcliff. That’s why our relationship wasn’t tragic.
But that was the story of “us.” It wasn’t “my” story.
That felt so unfair. It was so unfair that I was the only one suffering, the only one loving, the only one trembling with my heart, the only one dreaming.
Hwa-won swore that we would always be friends. I shouldn’t have listened to that.
My life was merely an unrealizable romance novel.
Seeing women with large breasts, I believed that I wasn’t such an ugly being, but now I was envying those ugly beings.
As an orphan, if I were to be connected with Hwa-won, it would be the most perfect Cinderella story. But I wasn’t a Cinderella; I was just a filthy child.
Everyone had read my love letter, but Hwa-won hadn’t. It was humiliating.
I hated Hwa-won. Because of you, I’ve become such an ugly, pathetic, foolish being.
Yet, thinking of Hwa-won alone made me feel like I was high on drugs, and nothing else mattered. And I was so happy being that way that I…
I just hurt.
So I hope that Gang Hwa-won feels pain like I do.