Sweet Shot

#29

Ha-min was grateful to Tae-rim for accommodating his mother’s excited behavior. Despite the unfamiliar and awkward situation, and despite it likely being uninteresting due to the age difference, Tae-rim spent several hours drinking and pouring drinks, never losing his smile. Ha-min liked that about him. Even with a face that seemed uninterested in anything in the world, he was never unkind to Ha-min.

It was Song Ha-min himself who had clumsily twisted what could have been just an ordinary relationship.

After putting his mother to bed in the main room and coming out to the living room, Tae-rim was nowhere to be seen. As Ha-min looked around, his gaze suddenly stopped. Tae-rim’s shoes were not in front of the entrance. Ha-min put on slippers and went down the stairs. As he approached the entrance, he detected a faint smell of cigarette smoke.

“Have you arrived?”

Tae-rim’s voice was heard from behind the brown stone wall. It was just a calm voice. He was on the phone while smoking a cigarette. Ha-min, who was about to make his presence known, hesitated.

“I had a drink.”

Tae-rim replied in his usual dry voice while exhaling smoke. Gray smoke dispersed hazily from between his red lips. Even such a common scene looked like a painting, and Ha-min was captivated.

“Ha-min’s house.”

-…

“Yes, that dongsaeng.”

Although only Tae-rim’s voice could be heard, Ha-min could guess who was on the other end of the phone. His heart sank coldly. It felt like being suddenly thrown back into reality. Only then could he see the situation objectively. He would feel excited about Tae-rim, then embarrassed, then nervous, then ashamed again, but all of these feelings came from a situation he had greedily created. Even if he accepted Tae-rim’s proposal, their feelings were too different. It was wrong to do this with someone who already had a partner from the beginning.

“What’s the problem now?”

Tae-rim’s voice sounded tired. It was as languid as the night air. Unable to hear what was being said on the other end, Ha-min quietly waited for the call to end.

“Now?”

-…

“…Alright. I’ll go home.”

As soon as Tae-rim ended the brief conversation, he dropped his cigarette butt. He crushed the faint ember with his shoe and let out a small sigh. It was that face Ha-min had always secretly observed. Expressionless, bored, calm, and listless.

“…Are you leaving?”

Ha-min, who had been waiting for an opportunity, carefully spoke up. Tae-rim, who hadn’t realized Ha-min was there, let out a small “Ah” and immediately smiled. Ha-min awkwardly smiled back at the suddenly changing expression. If no one else, Tae-rim had always been consistent with him. Maybe that’s why Ha-min had relied on him.

“Yeah. I should go.”

Tae-rim smiled gently and ruffled Ha-min’s hair.

“What a shame, I was planning to sleep in Ha-min’s room together tonight.”

“…It can’t be helped. Should I call you a driver?”

Tae-rim spoke as if disappointed. Ha-min also pretended to be nonchalant in his reply. In truth, he was disappointed. Very much so. While it would have been burdensome if Tae-rim had stayed over, he couldn’t help feeling regretful.

“I’ll call one. Go inside. It’s cold.”

Tae-rim continued worriedly, looking at Ha-min whose nose had already turned red from the night air. Unlike Ha-min’s drunk mother, Tae-rim was completely sober. Only a faint smell of alcohol lingered. Despite Tae-rim’s urging to go inside, Ha-min hesitated, unable to move.

“Um… hyung.”

Ha-min called out to Tae-rim in a small voice. Tae-rim gazed down at Ha-min, who always called him cautiously. Being a full span shorter, Ha-min’s small head was clearly visible. Tae-rim’s gaze swept from Ha-min’s protruding nose bridge down to his pink lips. Ha-min was fumbling for words, unsure of what to say.

“Yes?”

When Tae-rim responded kindly to the hesitating Ha-min, Ha-min raised his head as if gathering great courage.

“A-about what you said earlier…”

“Yes.”

Tae-rim stared down at the mumbling Ha-min with a gentle tone. After hesitating for a long while, Ha-min finally managed to speak.

“I’ve been thinking about it…”

“Yes.”

“I don’t think… it’s right after all…”

Ha-min thought he was being quite shameless saying this. Regardless of the reason, Tae-rim had indulged all of his childish whims and stubbornness. This time too, for whatever reason, Tae-rim had offered to help him. He didn’t think Tae-rim’s concern was completely false. In fact, he had considered accepting it without questioning. But… Ha-min, suddenly thrust back into reality, couldn’t possibly do that.

“I’m really, really grateful… truly. Really…”

“But?”

“Constantly receiving help from you for things like this… I don’t think…”

“Ha-min.”

“I know you’re worried about me… I really appreciate it… but still… it’s not fair to your girlfriend either… And there could be misunderstandings again… Even though you might not have any such intentions, still…”

Ha-min barely managed to squeeze out his voice. He stumbled over his words, trying to piece them together. It wasn’t easy to articulate this situation coherently.

“Ha-min?”

Tae-rim called out to him as if to soothe his rambling. Ha-min bit his lip hard and pressed down on his voice.

“I’m sorry… because of me.”

“…”

“I… shouldn’t have been so… for…forward…”

Ha-min took all the blame upon himself. Only then did Tae-rim’s calm expression subtly change. Ha-min looked pitiful as he struggled to express himself. Maybe I pushed too hard…

Tae-rim inwardly murmured, stroking his chin.

The conclusion was a grateful refusal, and the reason was the ethical issue of Tae-rim’s girlfriend. The sudden mention of this was probably because Ha-min had overheard the phone call… Tae-rim, having guessed as much, nodded.

“Okay.”

“…”

“I understand what you’re saying. I understand, so look at me.”

Tae-rim grasped Ha-min’s flushed cheeks as if to calm him down, as Ha-min mumbled urgently without making eye contact. He forcibly turned Ha-min’s face to look directly at him. Clear eyes, not just wavering but turbulent, came into view. Regret, concern, worry, guilt. All negative emotions were intertwined.

“It’s not your fault, Ha-min. I told you, these things can happen.”

Tae-rim’s firm gaze held Ha-min. His voice spread gently, admonishing calmly.

“I am worried, but…”

“…”

“If that’s what Ha-min wants, I won’t push anymore, okay?”

“Hm?” He gently asked, brushing up Ha-min’s hair. His neat and clean forehead was revealed. Instead of answering, Ha-min nodded obediently. He nodded like a creature even more docile than a gentle lamb. What should I do with this… Tae-rim clicked his tongue inaudibly. He had forgotten that the kind and gentle Song Ha-min was more honest than anyone.

“…Thank you.”

Ha-min said softly with teary eyes. Tae-rim chuckled, rolling his tongue inside his mouth. The image of Ha-min precariously rambling was vivid in Tae-rim’s vision. So the conclusion is because of my girlfriend? Tae-rim laughed without realizing it.

“N-now go, hyung…. Thank you for today.”

Ha-min finished, as if he had barely managed to say what he needed to. At his words trying to send him off quickly, Tae-rim pursed his lips mischievously.

“You want to send me away quickly?”

“What… It’s not like that… I just thought you might need to go soon…”

Ha-min shook his head, looking at Tae-rim pitifully with round eyes. Like a rabbit. Tae-rim muttered to himself, letting out a faint laugh.

“But Ha-min.”

As he looked down at Ha-min, who was waving his hands with a surprised face, Tae-rim called out in a low, calm voice. It was a voice like the night air again. His dark eyes looking down were the same. At the sudden gentle call, Ha-min looked up at him.

“…Yes?”

Ha-min blinked at the intense gaze. Tae-rim’s vision was filled with Ha-min’s neat eyelashes. Suddenly, he felt the urge to lick them. Am I going crazy… Tae-rim let out a deflated laugh and brushed one of Ha-min’s eyes. Huh…? Ha-min frowned in confusion. It was then.

“What if I.”

“…”

“Break up?”

Ha-min’s lips parted at the sudden hypothesis.

It was a casually uttered question, but it hit Ha-min’s chest with a thud. At the same time, his words were completely blocked.

“…”

“…”

It was something he hadn’t imagined even with the word “if”. Even if Tae-rim broke up with the person he was currently dating, he would just date someone else again anyway. There would always be someone by Tae-rim’s side anyway. And it was something Ha-min had always thought wouldn’t be him. So these were assumptions he had never made in the first place. Ha-min closed his mouth. He didn’t know how to answer. And Tae-rim didn’t ask again. It didn’t seem like Tae-rim wanted an answer in the first place.

**

The long weekend passed like that. Ha-min slept alone in his room, and Tae-rim went home. Of course, Ha-min tossed and turned for quite a while. The softly asked question, “What if I break up?” kept echoing in his ears. He thought maybe he should have answered, “Then break up, I don’t care,” but quickly erased the thought. It wasn’t like him and he didn’t want it either. This was right. Back to being just normal brothers. He kept remembering Tae-rim’s beautiful smile, but forcibly erased it.

When he returned to school after the weekend, the campus was bustling.

Partly because midterms were over, but also because festival booths started appearing in front of the student council room, creating an even more excited atmosphere. The department atmosphere was the same. It was more than just excited; it was busy. Eun-soo, being the department representative, was naturally busy, and Woo-kyung and Chae-rin were also busy practicing for their performance at the festival. Ha-min, who hadn’t joined any student council or club, should have been free, but because Eun-soo kept dragging him around everywhere, he had no time to be idle.