Miss, stop committing suicide

Chapter 42

“Where did I put the money?”

Last time, I opened my eyes while drinking tea.

This time, I opened my eyes while pouring hot water over tea leaves.

Of course, I scalded my thigh again with the boiling water, but it wasn’t a problem that couldn’t be solved quickly.

As I sifted through my memories, I recalled placing a few gold coins in a drawer. When I opened it, I found seven gold coins inside.

I slipped the coins into my front pocket, straightened my clothes, put on my shoes, and stepped out of the room.

“Ah.”

Something irritated my eye, making it itch like crazy.

Tears streamed down my face, and my nose tingled. It wasn’t much, but the sudden sensation left me feeling oddly emotional.

“I want some oolong tea.

And coffee would be even better alongside it.”

In an impulsive moment, I did something reckless.

I could blame the situation for driving me mad, but still, shooting my head off in front of someone wasn’t exactly the right thing to do.

So what if I’d seen it countless times before?

When you’re someone like me, death just becomes part of the routine, doesn’t it?

Or does it?

A sharp pang shot through my head, so I stood up and started walking.

I thought I’d shed the etiquette ingrained in my body, but with my physique intact, I still moved with an unshakable poise.

Maybe, during the days when I’d been so weak I couldn’t even walk properly, I’d tricked myself into thinking I’d discarded all that.

“Cheap iced tea, novels perfect for wasting time, games, movies, and cigarettes I can’t even smoke.”

I walked to the convenience store where I’d previously bought cigarettes. I searched for the most expensive tea leaves and deliberated between two options: one was fresh and light, while the other had a heavier body but a delicate fragrance.

In the past, I would have just grabbed both, but now I only had enough money for one.

“What are you looking at so intently?”

“I’m trying to choose tea leaves, but I can’t decide.”

The Crown Prince had approached me.

It seemed he’d taken an unusual interest in me recently.

I could guess why, but if that was the case, wouldn’t it be safer to keep my distance to avoid assassination…

Ah, the Shadows. Assassination wouldn’t be a concern.

Those people—who could detach and reattach limbs through some kind of magic—were his subordinates, after all.

“These two are fine, but this one has a lovely fragrance. I recommend it.”

The Crown Prince grabbed three tins of tea leaves, paid for them, and handed them to me.

As I stared at him with a puzzled expression, he smiled faintly and casually remarked as though it were no big deal.

“I owe your family a small debt.

Take them. If you ask, I’ll buy you more next time. Consider it a generous gesture from the Crown Prince himself.”

If grudges were a form of debt, then I supposed it counted.

To me, he was just a loathsome human being, but what could I do?

Just as I’d worn a dog collar and acted like a fool before Lydia, I’d have to bare my belly and swear allegiance to His Highness, the Crown Prince.

Even if it meant saying, “Stab this belly anytime, I won’t complain.”

Of course, I didn’t say any of that aloud. Instead, I kept it simple.

“…Thank you.”

At least I didn’t have to utter any grandiose words of gratitude. That was one thing I appreciated about him.

He wasn’t overly authoritarian in personality.

With the tea leaves in hand, I moved to leave the store.

But a black hand suspended in midair grabbed my shoulder, stopping me.

In a low voice, one that wouldn’t carry to anyone else, the Crown Prince asked:

“Are you planning to die? Judging by your face, it seems you already know everything that’s happened.”

“I’m not sure. Maybe I’ll die when I’m an old woman. Who knows?”

“Well, that’s fine by me.

But if you are going to die, at least make it as quiet as possible, inside your room…”

“What you mean is, ‘Go hang yourself quietly and die where no one can hear,’ right?”

At my blunt remark, the Crown Prince made a slightly awkward face and replied.

“…Yeah.”

“I’ll do that this time.”

The phrase “this time” seemed to catch him off guard. His face darkened slightly, but he nodded.

I walked into the dormitory under the watchful eyes of the surrounding children.

Unlike last time, Evan should’ve been wandering around here, but I didn’t see him.

Not that I cared.

After climbing the stairs for what felt like forever, I entered my room and pulled out a teacup.

I placed the tea leaves inside and poured hot water over them.

They were the tea leaves the Crown Prince had recommended.

The resulting brew seemed to be somewhere between green tea and black tea, with a faint yellowish tint.

As soon as the water hit the leaves, the characteristic scent of green tea wafted up, accompanied by the unique smell of lightly roasted and fermented leaves.

Taking a sip, I noticed there was no bitterness at all.

“Such refined taste.”

My whole body relaxed.

Evan would come by soon, and I’d end up cooped up in my room again.

Maybe I should stock up on food this time. Something delicious.

And then, I’d keep turning back time little by little.

Every time I felt drained or overwhelmed, I’d put the barrel to my temple and let the bullet swirl through my brain.

Shooting myself in the temple was, at least, the least painful.

And my head remained relatively intact.

The ones I’d seen before, who shot themselves with rifles, had their entire upper skulls blown off.

But with a pistol, it seemed to resolve things more elegantly.

“I don’t want to die, but I have to die to avoid dying.”

Would slapping Vivian fix anything?

Maybe the collapse had already begun before I slapped her.

In novels, they never explained in detail why families fell apart.

It was probably just a hastily thrown-in plot device that mirrored reality, manifesting as imperial will or some such nonsense.

“I wish my father hadn’t died.”

Holding the teacup filled with the tea the Crown Prince had recommended, I hurled it at the picture of my family.

Crash!

Finally, a dramatic sound.

When glass shatters, it’s not the cracking but the bursting sound that’s the most satisfying.

When glass shatters weakly, it leaves a bad feeling, doesn’t it?

“Why don’t you want to bring your brother back to life too?”

The voice of my heart crawled out of my mouth in response.

“I do want to save him.”

I grabbed a tin of cheap black tea from where I stored the tea leaves and placed some in a fresh teacup.

Pouring hot water over it, a dark, bitter brew steeped.

“What should I do? How long had the water cooled before steeping the tea? Maybe about five minutes?

Then, to go back to the moment before that young lady’s brother died, how many days should I rewind to avoid being labeled a traitor?

In the end, how many times must I die to turn back time enough to partially salvage the family?”

Not knowing how to make ice, I cooled some lukewarm water by swirling it in the air with wind magic and poured it over the strong black tea.

It didn’t have the nuanced feel of oolong tea, but it gave off a distinct cheapness that oddly appealed to me.

I liked it enough to toss the newly purchased tea leaves onto my bed and continue steeping and drinking the black tea.

Maybe this obsession with tea would turn my brain into one of those tea-loving caricatures from the Rhyme-nom world. Still, it seemed like the best way to hold onto my thoughts.

No matter how much I turned back time, there was no way to keep the family intact.

The downfall was inevitable. Aside from securing enough wealth to feed myself and the servants at the estate, there was nothing to be done.

The world desired it, the emperor desired it, the gods desired it, and humanity desired it. How could I defy all that?

“We’ve gotten used to it, haven’t we?”

“I don’t know. Have you gotten used to it?”

“If the family were intact, I wouldn’t have to live this miserably. It’s just a matter of finding a business that fits our resources, isn’t it?”

“But it means dying hundreds, thousands of times… That’s the problem. You hurt just as much as I do.”

“True. Let’s take a break then! Once we’re exhausted from resting, let’s run away to something even harder.

And this time, let’s drive nails deep into everyone’s hearts and take everything from them.

Just as His Highness Johannes suggested—quietly, solemnly, and alone in your room.”

Driving nails into hearts.

Admittedly, that was a bit much.

For someone like me, to cause discomfort to Vivian, the protagonist, and Evan, whether a supporting or main character, was presumptuous.

Perhaps I deserved punishment for it.

“Sure.”

I carried on an internal dialogue with myself for a long time.

Talking to my reflection in the mirror with a smile—what a strange image for a young woman.

It’s a relief that I lived alone.

If I had shared my space with someone, it would’ve been unbearable for them.

To live with a woman who excelled at nothing, had a vile personality, and seemed—or perhaps truly was—insane?

The thought alone made me nauseous.

“Let’s stop while drinking tea.”

I wasn’t stabbing you with a knife or blowing your head off with a gun.

At most, I was just sitting here drinking tea.

I’m tired.

Endlessly, I brewed tea, drank it, put the cup down, and steeped a new pot.

It was like I’d finally found something I could do well by myself for the first time.

Sure, I’d learned how, but when would I have ever had the chance to drink tea or coffee alone like this?

If possible, I’d always preferred buying it instead.

There were still far too many things I couldn’t give up on, despite stripping them away, putting them aside, and leaving them behind.

Tap. Tap. Tap.

The knocking at the door interrupted my spiraling thoughts.

Though it was a little late, it was probably Evan.

No, almost certainly Evan.

“I’m tired of looking each other in the face, getting angry, and exchanging barbs.”

After glancing in the mirror to ensure nothing was amiss with my appearance, I walked to the door and opened it.

“Well, if it gets too hard, I can just run away a little faster next time.”