Miss, It’s Just a Cold

Chapter 62: I wonder

Was it unfair?

All I did was shoot those beastly excuses for humans, and yet I’m the one being chastised for it!

At least my family was from a middling, insignificant noble line, which was fortunate.

Everyone in my family was among those I’d shot.

There was no one left to claim the inheritance or contest its validity.

That’s all that mattered to the higher-ups.

Sure, they’d be furious if some mere woman inherited what might otherwise be theirs. But if that woman was destined to become the Lady of the Eisenach family, then she wouldn’t be just anyone.

Of course, if Ernst were to abandon me, I’d probably have to decide whether to end up with some potbellied man or a widowed old fellow—until I inevitably blew my head off.

Still, I doubted Ernst would abandon me.

“Instead of wasting your time sitting here, go grab some petty thief from an alleyway or a random vagrant and throw them in prison.

Then ship them off to some godforsaken place or play target practice with them in the square. Isn’t that what you usually do for fun?”

The coffee was surprisingly good.

After asking Ernst for another cup, I finally started feeling like myself again.

“It’s rude to speak so arrogantly at first, but ignoring someone’s words is just as rude, you know.”

The man with the mustache sat blankly for a long time before leaving the mansion.

I wasn’t sure if he’d given up after realizing there was nothing he could do or if he left to figure out another way.

Frankly, it wouldn’t matter much even if what I did were considered right.

Even if I were dragged into court, I could claim my punishment was unfair, forcing them to spend years proving otherwise.

And it’s safe to say no judge would work that hard for years.

I could always die wandering the world before any verdict was reached.

Ernst, arms crossed, sat in a corner of the room, his legs jittering for quite some time.

Eventually, he looked at me and spoke bluntly.

“My parents don’t want you in this house. They said you should be grateful they’re letting this slide as much as they are.”

“I am grateful enough.”

“At first, Father wanted to take the sword from the house and kill you himself. He kept asking how a child could kill their own parents.”

I could easily imagine him grabbing a cavalry saber and coming at me with a furious face.

“Well.”

Would anyone believe that was just a lively family discussion for us?

“So, are you going to kick me out?”

“If you’re thrown out, what would you do?”

“…Not sure.”

I tried to think of the things I wanted to do.

“Maybe I’d wander around. I’d visit all the places I wanted to see.”

Surprisingly, not many came to mind.

There used to be so many things I wanted to do, but it felt like those desires had disappeared along with my family.

“A big lake in the north, the sea, a mountain covered in snow—those all sound nice.”

Dying alone in the middle of a deserted mountain didn’t sound so bad either.

Everyone would point fingers at me now.

They’d call me the crazy person who murdered their family for an inheritance.

They’d warn others not to approach me or even speak to me.

If they had the chance, they’d try to kill me or get rid of me somehow.

No one would back me up, not that I could see anyway.

I just wanted to live.

But to others, it wouldn’t look that way.

It was probably the same for that mustachioed inspector.

I must’ve seemed like one of those arrogant, oppressive nobles who committed crimes and still carried themselves with entitlement.

I didn’t have a defense, but something about it felt unfair.

The irony of despising oppression and yet behaving the same way now wasn’t lost on me.

I felt a pang of self-loathing.

People like me should just die.

At least I would die as myself.

Emily would die as Emily.

Until then, it had been a meaningless death.

Worse than a rat in a gutter—no one would remember me, and no one would mourn.

But now, it seems to have gained some value.

At least words would be exchanged, and some curious people might investigate why I died.

Maybe Ernst and Ariana would mourn.

No, they would mourn. Believing that made me feel happier.

“And when you’ve been everywhere you want to go?”

“…Why ask something so troubling?”

“When you’re done, when you seem relieved, when you look like you’re about to leave for somewhere else—what do you think I’d feel?”

“You’d wonder if the place I’m leaving for is heaven or hell.”

“…You know me well.”

“Hey, Ernst. Even after taking the medicine, the coughing won’t stop.

Do you think wasting away slowly or just blowing my brains out would make much of a difference?”

“The doctor said as long as you pour enough money into it, you could live miserably for the rest of your life.”

“I just want to live healthily and die all at once.”

“…Forget it.”

I didn’t respond.

Ernst rummaged through his belongings and tossed a small box at me.

The fancy-looking box was wrapped with a ribbon.

When I opened it, I found a cleanly designed ring with a gemstone set in the center.

I didn’t know what kind of stone it was.

I never paid attention to those things.

“What about Ariana?”

“She’s just a friend.”

“Hmm, but friends don’t usually stroll through the garden alone together.”

“That time, it’s because you were…”

“You’ll regret it. Do you even like me?”

“If I hated you, I wouldn’t care if you lived or died.”

“But that doesn’t mean you love me. I don’t love you either.

I just think of you as a friend. A close friend. Someone who doesn’t always understand me but still helps me.”

“…Isn’t that enough?”

“It’s not enough.

Husbands and wives should love each other.

Parents should love their children and teach them what’s right.

Mothers and fathers must be perfect beings.”

At least, I didn’t think I’d be capable of doing any of that.

There wasn’t even a hint of composure in me.

“But I can’t imagine it.

I can’t picture myself ever sharing love with someone else, ever loving another person.

Even if I were to marry, I’d probably end up doing the same awful things as the person I killed with my own hands.”

While people rarely marry for love, I still believe that even if it doesn’t start that way, love must come eventually.

That’s what makes a couple, and that’s what makes a family.

“The truth is, you’re only doing this because you pity me.

It’s fine. There’s no reason to feel sorry for me anymore.”

The people who tormented me were all dead.

I was the only one left.

So, that’s it. It’s all over now.

There’s no longer any reason for Ernst to pity or care about me.

I knew that human emotions didn’t work so simply, but staying with me would surely corrupt him over time.

He’d become someone negative and cynical, pretending to be indifferent while secretly clinging to hope—a contradictory kind of person.

“Do you really think I’m doing all this out of pity for you?”

“It’s not just pity, of course. But it’s there.

I’m not saying I dislike it. Just… maybe take some time to sort out your thoughts.

If you still feel the same, then we can talk about it later.”

Ernst looked confused, scratching the back of his head before leaving the room.

“Like it could ever be fine.”

I stared at the ring for a long time.

I didn’t put it on.

But I didn’t put it back in the box either.

I just looked at it.

I, too, had complicated feelings.

“Is a psychic spy from China here to steal the happiness in your heart~?”

“What on earth is that ridiculous song…?”

At some point, Ariana had entered the room and was sitting inside.

“I don’t know. I don’t even remember whose song it is anymore.”

Answering vaguely, I sang the lyrics as I recalled them.

“…Are you okay?”

“Are you asking if I’m okay physically or scolding me for being fine after shooting my family dead?”

“…Clearly, I’m asking if you’re okay physically.”

Since I was only teasing her, I didn’t answer.

I let the conversation pass lightly.

“Hey, Ariana. Do you remember?”

“Remember what?”

“My previous life. My memories of it are fading little by little.”

“It doesn’t matter. The more I think about it, the more I wonder how I even lived that life.”

“Ahaha, I see. You and I really are opposites.”

“…Still, there were a lot of fun things back then.

There was so much I couldn’t do because I didn’t have money, though.”

“I can’t relate to that at all since I had more money than I knew what to do with.”

At this point, it was a meaningless conversation.

“You’re supposed to be the protagonist of some novel, and Ernst is supposed to be one of the people who loves you. Do you think all of this happened because we disrupted that predetermined story?”

“What do you mean by that?”

I couldn’t explain it.

Ariana didn’t seem to think I was being serious anyway; she probably thought it was just one of my usual nonsensical remarks.

“Ernst says he wants to marry me.”

At that, Ariana shrugged casually and replied lightly.

I wasn’t sure if she spoke lightly because it wasn’t her concern or because she genuinely thought it wasn’t a big deal.

“Then just do it.

Don’t you both like each other?”

“…”

After a long pause, I asked Ariana a question.

“What about you?”

“Me? Well, we’re just friends. If his parents insist, I can’t really stop them, but Ernst already likes someone else. It’s not like I could stay by his side anyway.”

“Ernst likes me?”

“Probably.”

“There’s a big problem with that.”

“What is it?”

“I hate myself. I hate myself so much.”

What on earth was I doing?

Was I running away?

But still, just for a moment.

Couldn’t I rest, just for a moment, instead of running?