Miss, It’s Just a Cold

Chapter 54: At Last

The bullet pouch was in my left pocket, and the pistol was tucked into the right side of my waistband.

Since the hammer was already cocked, if I accidentally pulled the trigger, it would be hilarious — I’d shoot my own leg and get caught red-handed with the gun.

Fearing that absurd possibility, or maybe just enjoying the thrill of it, I stood up.

What should I say for my greeting?

“It’s been a while. After I failed to push Ellie off and ended up jumping myself, quite a lot of time has passed, hasn’t it? How have you all been?”

I didn’t want to say something like that.

I took a deep breath, bracing myself, then opened the door.

Gripping the railing of the hallway, I leaned over to look below.

The family who had just returned from their outing all looked up at me.

Some of them looked shocked, one looked disgusted, and another was filled with fear.

Not a single person had a positive reaction.

That was enough to make me feel annoyed.

Look at them.

How is that the way you look at “family”?

That’s how you look at a cockroach scurrying around the house.

I let go of the railing, but for a moment, I felt dizzy.

I decided to head back into my room for a bit.

From the medicine pouch, I took out almost ten painkillers and tossed them into my mouth all at once.

My vision spun a little, but soon enough, I felt a hint of excitement, a subtle joy, and a tingling sensation all over my body.

What do I need right now?

Nicotine. Heroin. Morphine. Meth. Cocaine. Marijuana. Ecstasy. Ketamine. Codeine. Thebaine. Oxycodone. Etorphine. LSD. Amphetamines.

I can’t pick. I can’t pick.

I forced myself to smile softly, straightened my back, and walked with grace.

I kept my posture elegant, my hands neatly at my sides, my shoulders relaxed but firm.

I kept my head still unless I had to turn it for conversation.

I breathed only through my nose, making sure my chest didn’t rise or fall noticeably, just enough to keep breathing.

My gaze remained forward, and my body moved perfectly.

Flawless.

No problems at all.

When I stepped forward, I made sure my center of gravity was just a bit behind me to avoid wobbling.

I moved quietly, making sure that not even the sound of my clothes rustling could be heard.

But still, there was one problem I couldn’t figure out.

How do you quiet the sound of a pounding heart?

Maybe that’s why women in love always end up exposing themselves.

They can’t stop the sound of their hearts.

Right now, I felt like I had fallen into some strange kind of love.

Mulatto. Albino. Mosquito. Libido…

Why am I suddenly remembering song lyrics from way back?

I didn’t even enjoy that song all that much when I first heard it.

Back then, I just thought, “What kind of nonsense is this? Some psycho wrote this, right?”

But maybe it’s because, like the singer of that song, I’m also wobbling in a drugged-up haze, on the verge of blowing my head off.

Even so, I used to play that rhythm a lot. I liked it.

Well, it’s all over now.

I might rot in prison or get locked up somewhere else.

Maybe some pig of a man will like my face, and after serving a year or two, he’ll suggest I come live as his “kept woman.”

But in the end…

I think I know how this ends.

I’m going to blow my head off.

I’ll leave behind a trace of myself for the world to see.

Even if Emily was a fool, she still left her mark.

That’s the perfect finale for a pathetic family like this.

“If that’s how you see it, then I have no choice but to accept it.

I won’t get in your way.

It’d be laughable for someone who ran away to come back and interfere now.

But please, don’t mock my hesitation.

Unlike you, I… I still, I still, I still think of those people as family.

Really, I do.

Which is probably why I’m such a fool.

Like you keep saying.”

“But I have one request.

After I kill the people I’m not even sure I love anymore, forget about me.

Just think of it as some mental illness and move on.

Let’s say that you were Emily from the start, or that after you became Emily, I simply stopped existing.”

“Emily, I heard you were badly hurt. Are you feeling okay?”

Mother spoke with a bright smile.

“Yes. Thanks to the kind care of Lady Eisenach.”

“Oh dear. Poor Ellie had such a hard time because of you. But I’m glad to hear you were doing so well.”

“I’m sorry.”

“What for? You have nothing to be sorry about.

After all, all you did was get drunk, cause a ruckus with Ellie, and fall over, didn’t you?”

Is that what happened?

Or did Ellie tell the truth, but Mother twisted the story?

“You’re growing up now, so it’s time to stop letting you run around like a wild girl.

Your father and I have finished our discussion.”

“…About what?”

“Emily, I told you to stop dragging out your words.”

Mother’s heel pressed down hard on my foot, and then she kicked me in the shin.

I didn’t flinch. I stood still.

Father, looking annoyed, had already gone back to his room.

Daniel and Ellie stared at me, while Fabian watched from the second floor.

The youngest sighed and scurried after Father.

“There’s so much to talk about at dinner, so look forward to it.

I’m sure you’ll have lots of joyful, happy things to hear.”

With a smug smile, Mother walked away to her room.

My right hand trembled uncontrollably.

I wanted to blow a hole in the back of her head right then and there.

But… that probably wasn’t the right move.

So I closed my eyes tightly and ran a hand down my face, wiping it dry.

Daniel, lingering nearby, muttered something to Fabian before the two of them disappeared.

The only one left by my side was Ellie.

“…What, are you here to laugh at me?”

“N-No, that’s not it. I just…”

“Right. You don’t know what to say, huh?

Nothing’s decided. No clear feelings.

Just…

Yeah, I don’t know either. I almost messed up just now.”

“…Sorry. For everything up to now.”

“That so?”

It was probably something I had desperately wanted to hear a long time ago.

So why did it feel so empty now?

Ah, maybe it was during that awkward, emotional stage of adolescence.

Back when my thoughts ran wild and I got swept up in my feelings.

Not that it mattered.

Back then, my body was never free.

Even if I wasn’t physically bound, I was always getting hit with a switch or something else, leaving me too beaten to go anywhere.

I felt so tired.

Completely drained.

I didn’t say anything more and just returned to my room.

Standing by the door was Daniel.

His arms were crossed, and he was leaning against the frame.

“Come out.”

“Ellie didn’t say anything, but it’s obvious something happened between you two.”

“So what?”

“Mother talked to Ellie too, and then she looked like she had a headache or something.”

“So what do you want me to do about it? Want me to kneel before you like a slave serving his mistress and confess everything I did?”

I clutched my throbbing head.

If I just go inside and take a few more painkillers, I’ll be fine.

Sure, my stomach might burn a bit, but one little painkiller fixes everything.

“Not that it’s surprising, but I’m sure if I ended up dying from an illness, you’d just stand there with your arms crossed like this.”

And I’d laugh myself to death.

I wiped away the grin that was about to creep up and drained all traces of joy from my voice.

Then, with the sweetest tone I could muster, I spoke.

“Hey, Daniel. Living like that until you grow old and die… that’s gotta be exhausting, right?

It takes up so much mental energy, it makes you angry, and sometimes that irritation just bubbles up, doesn’t it?

Here, I’ll help you end it.”

“…What the hell are you suddenly talking about?”

“Just get out of the way.”

Daniel stared at me, shaking his head several times.

But when our eyes met, he flinched. His body jolted, and without another word, he stepped aside.

I walked into my room and took a deep breath.

What can I even do?

Other than saying, “I’m sorry,” what can I actually do?

What am I supposed to say to them?

They’re all watching me.

They’re watching and laughing.

They’re enjoying it.

They’re happy watching me become a fool.

But I’m not.

I’m not like that.

So why is everyone smiling while watching me?

Why are they so happy?

I sat at my desk and, with that mocking laughter still echoing in my head, I began writing a letter with all the politeness I could muster.

Tears dripped down, or maybe it was sweat — I wasn’t sure.

Either way, the paper grew damp, and soon, the contents of the letter began to twist into something I didn’t like.

It wasn’t that I had any qualms about killing people.

It’s just that people in this world don’t value life all that much anyway.

This makes it seem like I’m the one about to do something wrong.

But I haven’t done anything wrong.

Not a single thing.

So, I ripped off the bottom half of the letter and stuffed it into the drawer.

There was no reason to write out an explanation for killing those people.

There’s no need for any justification.

They’re people who deserve to die.

Not that they necessarily have to die.

If only they could live like me.

If only they could live a life where, every single day, they had to tell themselves, “I want to die.”

If only they could all end up like me.

That’s all I want.

Only now, only now…