I'm Forever on Hold (BL)

Saval left the café and headed toward the park. He needed to sit down and process everything that was happening to him.

Alright, let's see… I remember there was an ice cream shop around here… Ah, there it is.

He walked up to the small ice cream stand.

"Good afternoon, sir. I'll have an extra-large chocolate ice cream, please."

"Of course, young man. That'll be $3.99."

With his ice cream in hand, Saval found a bench and sat down, taking a deep breath before taking his first bite.

Dante told me to think this through carefully. I have to be cautious. But… why? I know what she's like. I know she's hurting Semiel. So why do I still love her?

Dante asked me what had changed in my perception of her. For days, I searched for an answer I could give him, but the truth is, the answer was already inside me. What changed wasn't her. It was me.

I always saw her as someone strong, unshakable. Maybe that's why I was drawn to her. Deep down, I've always felt insecure. Antonella was everything I wasn't. While I hesitated over every decision, she moved forward without looking back. While I sought approval from others, she did whatever she wanted without caring about the consequences.

Since we were kids, I was the one who followed her. I remember the day I got into a fight with another boy in our class because he made fun of Antonella. She didn't need me to defend her—I knew that—but I did it anyway. And when she asked me why, all I could say was: "Because I don't want anyone to hurt you."

Now, all these years later, I doubt anyone could actually hurt Antonella. It seems like she's the one who holds the power to hurt others without them even realizing it.

I remember when we were fifteen. We watched a movie together at a relative's house. She was wearing a swimsuit, and she looked so beautiful. Her smile shone brighter than ever. We lay down on the bed together. I never saw her any differently.

That smile was real, wasn't it? Or was it just another lie?

The image I had of her crumbled little by little. I don't know exactly when it started, but one day I realized that her smiles weren't just smiles—they were something more. That her words weren't just words, but invisible threads she used to control people.

Was the way she looked at me, with that intensity that made me feel special, really love? Or was it something more calculated?

Dante asked me if what I loved about Antonella was really her, or just the idea I had of her. That question hasn't left my mind since.

Was it Antonella—with all her flaws and virtues—that made me feel this way? Or was it the version of her I had created in my head?

I like to think I knew her, that I understood her. But if that were true… why does she feel like a stranger now?

Did I Really Love Antonella?

It was a question he had avoided for a long time. But now, he could no longer escape it. He felt trapped between what he once felt and what he felt now. There was an emptiness in his chest, a sense of loss he couldn't quite define.

"If she's as calculating as you say, then don't let her see your intentions."

Dante's words echoed in my head. Antonella was calculating. Was it possible that she had done the same to me? That her charm had been nothing more than a carefully crafted strategy?

But then, why did I still feel that knot in my stomach every time I thought about her? Why did it hurt so much to question my love?

I sighed, feeling exhausted. Maybe it wasn't love. Maybe it was just attachment. Or worse—maybe it was the nostalgia of what could have been.

When I used to look at her, I saw a girl who could take on the world. I admired her. I wanted to be by her side, to be a part of her life. But now, I saw things I once refused to acknowledge. Her smile could hide lies. Her confidence could be a mask for something deeper.

And then there was Semiel.

Semiel, who used to talk nonstop, now drowning in unsettling silence. Semiel, who once laughed without worries, now looking trapped in something I couldn't understand. I saw it in his eyes, in the way he avoided my gaze, in how he tensed up whenever someone mentioned Antonella's name. And that terrified me.

I don't want to be wrong. I don't want to accuse her without proof. But every time I try to push my doubts aside, something inside me screams that I'm not imagining things. That there's something more. That Antonella isn't just the strong and confident girl I once admired—she's something else. Something I've ignored for far too long.

Dante told me that if she really is as calculating as I believe, I shouldn't confront her directly. Not until I know exactly what I'm doing.

But how do you fight against someone who always seems one step ahead?

I don't want to become her next piece on the board. I don't want to fall into her game. But I don't want to run away either.

What was it that Dante said…?

"It's not that you were blind before—it's that now you're finally seeing past the surface."

Dante was right. It wasn't that Antonella had suddenly changed. Maybe she had always been like this, and I had simply refused to see it. I had clung to the version of her that I wanted to love, instead of facing the person she truly was.

And yet… it was hard to accept. A part of me still wanted to search for that spark, that illusion of love I once held onto. But I also knew that desire was dangerous. Because loving someone who doesn't truly love you back—or worse, someone who uses you—is a trap few escape unscathed.

Was it love? Was it habit? Or was it simply the fear of admitting that I had lost something I never truly had?

I looked at my phone, thinking about texting Antonella. But why? I knew that any conversation with her would only make me doubt myself even more.

No. I would go home and talk to Semiel. Maybe I could finally make some progress.

"Alright, let's go ho—wait, why is my hand covered in ice cream?!"

Lost in thought, Saval had completely forgotten he was still eating while thinking about Antonella.