I Start with a Bad Hand!

Unlike his sister, the eldest son of the Horatius Marquisate had some flaws. Perhaps that’s why. Dietrich felt particularly relaxed around him. She laughed easily and joked freely.

It seemed like they became close due to Irene, who had a close relationship with Dietrich, but it was unclear when they had gotten so familiar with each other. They participated in hunting festivals together, enjoyed their first autumn festival together, and even watched a play with the eldest son of the marquisate. And then… he even held a bundle of strangely flavored candies that had made his heart flutter throughout the expedition.

Yet, no matter what, the distance between them seemed insurmountable.

“I don’t like it.”

“Not really…”

“It’s alright.”

If Icarus collected all the rejections Dietrich had uttered to him, he could write a book. When she once brought up the unheard-of concept of “a life of non-possession” to reject him, Icarus couldn’t help but ask in frustration.

“What on earth is non-possession?”

“It means living without owning anything. Literally.”

“…Nothing at all?”

“Perhaps the idea of being able to own something is an illusion. In this era where everyone wants to own things, I think someone, even just one person, needs to practice non-possession to balance the world.”

After saying this, Dietrich disappeared. Sometimes, she would say such incomprehensible things, sounding like an old sage. Every time she did, Icarus would think that it was just like Dietrich, but this time he couldn’t let it go.

“If you don’t want to own anything, why do you have the bow given to you by the eldest son of the marquisate?”

“Why do you stubbornly refuse the gifts I give you, but thank him for gloves you’ve never even seen?”

Icarus was genuinely curious. The only thing she had ever accepted from him were some strange foreign beans. As soon as he drank them, his heart raced so fast that he wondered if Dietrich had given him a truth serum to make him confess his feelings for her.

Of course, Dietrich, with her indifferent face, merely said something like, “Do these eyes look like they’re in love?”

In the end, that night, Icarus couldn’t sleep. Even without the strange, mud-tasting coffee, he would have had plenty of reasons to lie awake, pondering endlessly.

Icarus liked Dietrich’s honesty. He liked the transparent expression that couldn’t hide her true feelings, even when she said things that contradicted her heart. Everything she thought she was hiding well showed on her face.

Icarus liked Dietrich’s inability to be entirely honest. Every time he witnessed the moments when she, who was usually straightforward, couldn’t bring herself to hurt others even through lies, he felt a secret thrill.

This was connected to Dietrich’s kindness. Despite wearing an expression that said she absolutely detested it, and saying no countless times, she ultimately couldn’t refuse a request. Even when she looked annoyed, she would still hand him her class notes if he missed a lecture. Despite knowing she wasn’t very good at comforting others, she would still try desperately to console someone. He loved how that heart of hers would come back to him in the form of a handful of candies.

And also… he liked her persistent and passionate attitude. Whether it was classes, archery practice, or even just memorizing a script, he liked how she earnestly did everything that was given to her.

But at the same time, he liked her lukewarm demeanor too. Despite her feelings towards the Elexion House not being positive, she still saved the second son of Elexion when he was drowning. With such a desperate face. If anyone had seen that expression, they wouldn’t have made up such strange rumors. Ultimately, wasn’t she troubled because of those rumors?

In the end, he liked that her heart, which would eventually soften in the face of her tepid warmth, could be neatly summarized to explain the person that Dietrich was.

And, moreover, he liked the countless reasons that intertwined or contradicted each other over time. When he realized this, Icarus felt like dying.

He realized he liked her so much it made him want to die.

***

Icarus sat beside the seemingly asleep Dietrich, taking in the scenery of Heylem. It looked similar to the north but was completely different. Unlike the north, where even in spring, the ground was revealed to be muddy, here, despite the long winters, the sun would eventually shine, flowers would bloom, and proper spring would come.

Icarus looked at the sleeping Dietrich. She fit well in this place, lightly dozing under the autumn sunlight. She looked at home among the people who held deep affection for her.

‘If I confess, will Dietrich accept it?’

Even if she did, the place where Icarus would spend the rest of his life protecting would become the place where Dietrich would be bound for the rest of hers. That was the problem.

‘How is it different from asking her to throw her life into the gutter with mine?’

Thinking this, Icarus shielded her eyes from the sunlight. At that moment, Dietrich’s eyelids started to quiver.

She opened her eyes slightly and smiled. Yes, I like her, he thought.

His expressionless face was perfectly composed, but what he liked most was her smiling lips. He loved the sound of her low, slow laughter. He loved how she would shyly move her lips when overwhelmed with affection.

It was fine even if she didn’t know how he felt. As long as she was happy, he could bury his feelings for the rest of his life and still be… fine.

Icarus thought so.

***

“Why did you pull my hair?”

“I said I’m sorry…”

“Why did you keep picking a fight with me, then pretend you don’t remember?”

Why did she ask him to remember? Even if Dietrich were alive, she would be puzzled, wondering, ‘What does this mean?’ He didn’t remember because it seemed Dietrich genuinely didn’t remember either. It was only upon coming to Heylem that the memory finally resurfaced.

“Look at this.”

Icarus quickly changed the subject, showing me the finished portrait. Fortunately, the painting was enough to catch my attention.

‘Wow, he’s really improved.’

The first thing that struck me was the demure features. Even at a glance, it was clear he had put a lot of effort into drawing it meticulously. Soon, however, I noticed the messiness of the facial features’ arrangement, which undermined all his diligent work.

‘Should I praise him for drawing well, or should I ask if he’s joking?’

Telling him it was a mess felt like crushing a young artist’s dreams. I forced a smile, my lips twitching.

“It’s impressive.”

Seeing my expression, Icarus also smiled slowly, dimples forming.

“Isn’t it?”

The sun was gradually setting. I saw the butler walking towards us, silhouetted against the reddening sunset.

“Miss, I need your opinion regarding the castle’s outer wall.”

May I have a moment of your time? The butler spoke politely and helped me into the cardigan he had brought. I looked at Icarus, who simply shrugged.

The butler’s expression darkened briefly as he watched this interaction. But he quickly masked his feelings and escorted me towards the outer wall near my room.

“The ivy on this wall has grown quite a bit, making it easier for intruders to climb.”

I believe it would be best to have the gardener trim it, but your opinion is paramount, so I wanted to consult you first.

I followed his words and looked up at the ivy sparsely growing on the outer wall. New vines were growing over the dead ones, and the protruding bricks made it easy to climb from the bottom up.

‘This seems to have been like this for quite a while. Why is the butler bringing it up only now?’

I looked at the butler in puzzlement. His face was full of concern and worry. I turned my gaze back to the ivy, and then…

‘Ah.’

I realized what the butler was worried about. Logan, who had dared to climb over the wall using the ivy to enter the manor. Judging by the excessive worry on the butler’s face, it seemed he was aware of what had transpired between Dietrich and Logan.

“Yes, it is quite easy to get in.”

Hmm, how should I reassure him? While I was contemplating, the butler, who had been carefully choosing his words, spoke up first.

“Miss, if I may be so bold, um… no esteemed person should climb over a wall to knock on a window.”

His intent was now blatantly clear. Still, his concern was touching, so I nodded.

“Indeed. Let’s cut it all down. Cleanly.”

The butler’s face brightened at my words.

“As you command, miss.”

The butler hurried off to find the gardener.

Dinner was delicious, and the Baron and Baroness Degoph once again drank tea brewed with herbs from Aveterre. Icarus showed us his finished portrait. I had a pleasant evening, but the Baron and Baroness seemed slightly uncomfortable.

“See you in the morning.”

Icarus insisted on escorting me all the way to my room in Dietrich’s manor. I could feel the butler watching from a distance. As I entered my room, I hoped he would now realize there was no longer any need to worry about someone sneaking in through the window to whisper false words of love.

Then… just as I was stoking the fire in the fireplace, trouble came.

“Cough, cough.”

The coughing wouldn’t stop.