I Became a Burden to the Conscienceless Party

To be honest, Milia didn’t have the luxury to care about someone like Jim.
Facing an unprecedented wall, Milia was just struggling, unable to do this or that, and didn’t have the luxury to care about a mere demon.
However, given Jim’s position of having to blend into the hero party, Milia had to deal with him several times.

“Lady Milia. Is it alright if we talk for a moment?”
“No.”
“I understand.”

Honestly, it was bothersome.
She wasn’t particularly interested and was just annoyed by him fidgeting in front of her.

“Lady Milia, Lady Milia. Is it alright if we talk for a moment?”
“No.”
“I understand.”

But Jim didn’t give up.

“Lady Milia, Lady Milia, Lady Milia, can we talk for a moment…”
“No.”

He approached Milia several times. Each time, Milia rejected him as if it was natural, but…
Before she knew it, Milia was following Jim’s movements.
Surprisingly, this was Jim’s strategy. As much as he was annoying usually, if he’s not noticeable, it naturally draws attention.
Jim was using a somewhat rational method to blend into the hero party.
This came from his experience of seniors looking for him when he didn’t cause trouble after usually causing trouble in the army.

“Lady Milia.”
“…W-What do you want?”

Finally, a conversation was established.
Milia, who always put up a wall saying it was bothersome, started to feel nervous when she thought about talking to Jim belatedly.
She was very shy from the start.
To the extent that conversation was easier when the other person wasn’t even in her mind.
In a sense, Milia could understand that this was an opportunity.

“What are your hobbies?”
“Ho-Hobbies?”
“Yes! Hobbies!”

An approach with a clear purpose.
But because it was such an approach, Milia could manage to have a conversation.
Because when she hesitated or stumbled over her words, Esmeralda and others would give a bitter smile.
Everyone, including Esmeralda, already knows that Milia is incredibly poor at human relationships.
That’s why they were waiting for her to open up and talk someday.
And in such a situation, Jim chose to force a breakthrough.
It was truly an inconsiderate, purely mission-oriented charge.
But ironically, this was rather helpful for Milia.
Because you need to speak to shy friends first.

“I-I don’t really have any…”
“Then how do you usually spend your time?”
“Magic research?”

Perhaps because it was her area of expertise, Milia didn’t stutter.
She’s the type to become more talkative with unfounded confidence when it comes to topics she knows.
Usually, in cases like Esmeralda, Irina, or Tina, they wanted to respond to Milia who had finally opened up like this, but couldn’t…

“If magic keeps scattering, how about thinking of activating it while fixing it to the ground?”

Jim was a magician, after all.
Moreover, at this time, he was a magician at a higher level than Milia. Limited to black magic, that is.
While he couldn’t openly show his knowledge as he was acting as a porter, Jim often gave hints to Milia in roundabout ways.
It was a ploy to attract Milia’s interest.
Originally, the Tower Masters tended not to teach Milia deeply, just handing her a book.
While their busyness could be a reason, it was also because Milia absorbed knowledge well on her own even with just that.

“I-I’ll try it.”

Therefore, the hints Jim gave were good nourishment for Milia.
Jim was unknowingly strengthening the hero party with his own hands.
As Milia started to open up like this, and Jim continued his efforts to gain her favor, they began to talk about more personal matters.

“So, you mean you usually read books? Then reading is your hobby.”
“I-Is that so? So that’s what a hobby is.”
“That’s fortunate. Actually, reading is my hobby too!”

Jim was trash.
Of course, it wasn’t a lie that Jim’s hobby was also reading.
But he knew that reading wasn’t really Milia’s hobby.
Milia has no hobbies. That was the result of Jim’s observation so far.
She could be said to have almost no emotional expression, and although she stuttered, she wasn’t particularly afraid of anyone.
She was just unfamiliar with the act of conversing with others.
She said reading was her hobby because she was in the process of increasing her knowledge through books.

“I’ll recommend you a book I found interesting later.”
“O-Okay…”

So Jim lent Milia the novels he was reading.
And she, as always, grabbed one book and started studying it.
Yes, through ordinary novels different from books filled only with magical theories like formulas, flow directions, combinations, and reversals.

“So this is what people call hatred.”

Milia understood emotions through such books.
Milia devoured books like a baby bird trying to break out of its shell and come out into the world.
The books borrowed from Jim seemed strange at first, but she soon became immersed in the emotions between people connected by strings of characters.
And among the books Jim lent her, there were also books with far-fetched stories unlike the systematic and philosophical books she knew.
Therefore, Milia often frowned.

“This is impossible.”
“Which part?”

So Milia confronted Jim who had given her such nonsensical books.
In this situation, you’re supposed to get annoyed.
Milia learned this by reading numerous books and acted accordingly.
She had become natural in conversation without realizing it.

“It’s impossible for an ordinary person to use space-type magic just by clicking their heels, there’s no way that’s possible.”

Yes, she tried to analyze even the fantasies in fairy tales.
And when she couldn’t understand them, she finally became aware that all of it was fake.

“So that’s what you meant.”

Jim grinned as if everything was going according to his plan, seeing Milia questioning with furrowed brows.

“Is it really impossible?”
“…What do you mean?”
“Lady Milia, would you like to read this book?”
“…”

Milia’s eyes narrowed, and then she started to skim through the book Jim handed her.
As she quickly skimmed through the book, Milia’s gaze suddenly stopped, fixed on one page.

“Heaven?”
“Yes, do you think heaven, or the celestial realm, exists, Lady Milia?”
“That… I’m not sure. I’ve never seen it and there’s no way to confirm it.”
“This world is said to belong to the three realms. Among them, in the six worlds called the Desire Realm, there are places we call hell and places we call heaven.”
“Is that the Celestial Order’s teaching?”
“It’s a tradition rooted in the secular world.”

It’s a topic of divided opinion even among magicians.
While some infer the existence of heaven through the existence of gods, others argue that heaven cannot exist precisely because gods exist.
There’s no correct answer to these issues.

“This world is still full of things we don’t know. Even if we learn through books, there are things we can’t acknowledge unless we see them with our own eyes.”
“Is that so?”
“Yes, so there might be a great magician who can enable ordinary people to use spatial magic just by clicking their heels.”
“I… see.”

Milia nodded.
She had learned through books.
She had learned through the words and guidance of the Tower Masters.
But that wasn’t the only way of learning.
When she encountered her parents’ corpses. She tilted her head at something even she didn’t know.
Yes, she who thought she wouldn’t be affected, learned through what she saw with her own eyes.

“Hey, Jim.”
“Yes?”
“What kind of expression am I making now? If you were to define the emotion in my current expression, what emotion do you think it would be?”

Something inside her had changed.
No, it had been changing for a while. This conversation was just the trigger.
Her heart, which had been moving and acting mechanically, now started to flutter.
Yes, she thought she could see everything. Because she’s special. Because she’s different from others.
That’s how she had learned and understood.
But she learned an unknown emotion when she saw her parents’ corpses.
She learned about ‘not knowing’.
That’s why she couldn’t know what emotion she was feeling now. She couldn’t define it herself.

“Well, from what I see… satisfaction, perhaps? Seeing you smile like that is nice. It would be good if you smiled often from now on.”
“Really?”

Emotions are originally something that can’t be understood even if you try to understand them with your head.
Something that can only be felt with the heart.
Milia learned that. That she can’t know everything.
That’s why she no longer controlled the incomprehensible impulse that had settled in her heart.
She unleashed that flow she had blocked off in her childhood to escape from pain.
Because emotions weren’t something that could be understood with the head.
Now that she knew that.

“Hey, Jim.”

She knows that what Jim has been telling her so far were just superficial words.
She knows that Jim has been trying some kind of scheme on her.
But because she was a genius and a special person, she thought she could handle whatever trap Jim prepared.
But now? Well?
She couldn’t know at all if this was Jim’s intention, but…

“I’d like it if you lent me more interesting books like this next time.”
“Ah, of course.”

She had fallen into Jim’s trap. And she came to think that it wasn’t necessarily a bad thing.
Because unlike others, he kept talking to Milia.
Because he had repeatedly knocked on Milia’s heart.

“Okay, then I’ll look forward to it.”

Because she had come out into the world.
On this day, Milia learned the emotion of excitement about the unknown.

Thud.
Milia was now in the Glacies Magic Tower, one of the seven Magic Towers, which researches water, freezing, and stopping.
She had just closed the last volume of the books she had collected while wandering through villages. Yes, it’s a time when she’s become free.

“Jim.”

Milia still didn’t know about emotions. She couldn’t express accurately how to call them.
But she didn’t give up on trying to know them.
Because it’s not something you should just accept. Even if it’s something that can’t be understood with the head and can only be felt with the heart, you shouldn’t give up on proving it.
This too was something she learned from Jim.
Something she could know through Jim.

‘I can’t know everything. But if I believe it exists…’

That’s why Milia believed nothing was impossible. That’s how she broadened her imagination and approached the world.
And because the way of learning is endless, she too shouldn’t assert that something is impossible.
So she recalled the emotions she felt over and over, compared them over and over, and verified them over and over.
And Milia cautiously came to attach a tentative name to the emotion she was feeling now.

“I miss him.”

The name attached to that emotion now was ‘longing’.
And behind her back, as if expressing that tender feeling, black tentacles were wriggling and dropping mucus.
Sizzle!
The parts touched by the mucus melt as if corroding.
Milia thought as she looked at the mucus that expressed her heart.
“It would be nice if you could stay with me forever.”
It was autumn.