Fatigue Syndrome: The Lassitude

It’s really strange. Judging by his recent behavior, he’s not the type who would ask such a thing. I was already in front of the house, so it was awkward to reply. In any case, we’ll see each other soon. Besides, he didn’t write anything after that.

Just one message. If it was something urgent, he would have kept writing. He would have sent messages one after another or called. Judging by the fact that this didn’t happen, probably nothing important.

Usually, the thirsty one digs the well first.

Carelessly pondering this, I entered the password. 0120. When I entered the password set to the date our relationship began, my heart tightened. There really is very little time left. Need to finish everything by the 20th.

I didn’t want the moment of meeting and parting to be recorded on the same date. There was definitely a brilliant and beautiful season in our relationship. I didn’t want to throw everything into a dirty puddle. It’s enough to keep the good and sift out the bad. With age, I stopped clinging to things that don’t work.

For example, human emotions.

When I opened the door and entered, the apartment was so warm that my body immediately relaxed. What’s with Ithae? After his feelings cooled, he usually didn’t turn on the heating. Did something really happen? Breaking up is not such a big deal. You just break up, that’s all. No need to try so hard. Taking off my shoes, I unconsciously looked around the apartment. When my gaze reached the living room, it stopped.

Again.

Why are you looking at me with such a gaze?

Ithae was looking at me sadly, as if something unfair had happened to him. Why? You don’t like that your plans were disrupted? Maybe Ithae’s obsessive ideas intensified while I wasn’t noticing? Of course, Ithae didn’t have any obsessive ideas. I just made that up.

Stepping over the threshold, I entered the apartment.

“Hello.”

“You’re out late.”

“Do we have a curfew? I haven’t been in a dormitory for a long time.”

It’s really strange.

Ithae couldn’t help but feel this. I was thinking too much only about myself. How many years have we spent together, how can we not notice that we’ve changed?

It seemed that Ithae only now vaguely realized that we’re looking at the same end. That is, I was also following Ithae, folding my heart and releasing it into the sky. The sky was full of paper airplanes with our hearts. You see it too, right?

But isn’t this good for you?

Announcing a breakup meant seeing the devastated face of the remaining partner. A person whose heart’s cup is still full and a person whose cup is completely empty cannot be the same. But I was a little different. I could fully adjust to my partner’s pace. If Ithae completely emptied his cup, I could empty mine just the same. If you ask whether emotions can be so easily ordered, well…

I don’t know either. I’ve never experienced such a thing.

However, I wasn’t so fragile as to hug a broken frame and be thrown out on the street. Unless I was a person capable of boldly throwing away what’s broken. There was no reason to hold onto it, hurting my heart on the shards of broken glass. Love is a momentary illusion.

Even the best thing, if it’s broken, has fulfilled its purpose. I didn’t want to waste time and effort trying to fix it, clinging to it. Especially if it’s impossible to return. Even if you gather the broken shards and glue them together, you can’t return to the original form.

“Who did you meet?”

“A new person.”

“…Is that all?”

“Yes. Nothing else comes to mind.”

Warmth is good, but the apartment was a bit dry. That’s why we needed to buy a bigger humidifier. Or buy another one. In the new apartment, I’ll need to buy a good humidifier. At the thought that I could furnish the apartment to my taste, I felt a quiet joy.

Ithae seemed dissatisfied with my answer and closed his mouth. I don’t think he was waiting for me for such a conversation. Okay. I, as the more mature one, should adjust. I plopped down next to Ithae.

“Well. I’m ready to listen.”

“…What?”

“Weren’t you waiting for me because you wanted to say something? You weren’t worried that I wouldn’t come. You said you don’t like this anymore.”

“…”

Again. He hesitates to answer. What is he up to? Ithae had a habit of closing his mouth before important words. I even made him say “I love you” a hundred times because it was so tiresome. Although breaking up is hard, it’s not something that can’t be talked about. Especially in a world where people divorce even after registering marriage.

Maybe he doesn’t want to be a bad person?

Ithae’s eyes trembled mercilessly. Ithae still couldn’t lie well. Despite being so old. I even heard him swallow. He wasn’t nervous… he was a little angry. Huh? Why is he suddenly behaving like this? By what right?

“Why are you suddenly angry?”

“…I was worried. Couldn’t get in touch with you.”

“You’ve been doing the same thing until now.”

I didn’t want to be petty. I liked when everything was clean, everything was resolved. I didn’t want to shift responsibility or behave just as childishly. However, I couldn’t do anything about the sudden feeling of injustice that washed over me. After all, Ithae did it first. Said it was burdensome and unpleasant.

Every detail of that situation, even Ithae’s breathing, was clear. Because it dealt me a big blow.

∞ ∞ ∞

That day was very hot.

In the suffocating heat, it was impossible not to be irritable, even just sitting in place. The heat made irritation rise to the tips of the hair, and even with the air conditioner on, the fundamental heat penetrated the skin. I already had a hard time with heat, and with high humidity, it was so bad I could die.

“Ithae-ya. I’m bored-d.”

I whined into the void. Lying on the couch and swinging my legs, I listened to the noise of the air conditioner cutting through the silence. The only noise in the quiet apartment irritated my nerves.

Although the sun hadn’t set yet, dinner time was approaching. Ithae, who left early in the morning, still hadn’t returned home. He’s not the type to spend so much time outside. Suddenly, I started to worry about him.

Maybe something happened?

I know perfectly well that you don’t like walking in such heat. If it wasn’t so hot, I would have made an appointment too. We could go rock climbing, go to the sea, or have a drink – it would be a good Saturday evening.

I took the phone and pressed on the chat app with the red notification. But seeing the accumulated messages, I got lazy again and turned off the phone, carelessly throwing it. Too lazy to meet friends. Even more lazy to invite them to our home. Ithae isn’t coming, and I’m bored.

Hm. Indeed, Ithae should come home soon.

Although I didn’t want to rush him, I left one message. Seeing this, he would at least reply. If he planned to return after dinner, it would be polite to warn in advance. Considering that he knows I’m at home.

[Taetae, what are you doing, where are you, come back soon and let’s have dinner] 18:23

Even if we have a crisis in our relationship, while we’re still dating, Ithae is obliged to spend time with me. How could he leave such a cute rabbit partner alone and go have fun.

At that moment. The sound of entering the password was heard. The even sounds indicated one person. It’s Ithae. Our Ithae, whom I could recognize just by the sound of his steps. I involuntarily smiled with joy.

I took the phone and checked – Ithae read the message. Maybe he returned after seeing my message? Actually, I knew that not even three minutes had passed since I sent it, but I still turned on happiness mode.

While I was staring intently at the doorknob, the door opened, and Ithae appeared. I felt like a dog obediently waiting for the owner’s return.

“You came?”

I asked as soon as Ithae entered the hallway. I thought it would be ideal to have dinner together and have fun now. Perfect timing. Ithae was staring intently not at me, but at his phone. His facial muscles slightly distorted, as if something strongly displeased him. Yes, as if he was dissatisfied with someone on the other side of the screen.

“What is this, Choi Kyeoul?”

Oh, it turns out that someone was me.

“What exactly? Say it, then I’ll understand.”

“Are you controlling me?”

This was a word I had never heard. No one in the world had ever said such a thing to me. Not even ex-partners. I was stunned and gaped. I wonder which part of my behavior created the impression of control? I sent one message for the entire long day. Moreover, wasn’t it a normal message that even friends could exchange? I pulled down my raised T-shirt, covering my stomach.

It was from this moment. From this moment, I felt as if I had been hit on the head with a hammer and began to put my feelings in order.

Even if I wasn’t a shining precious gem, I was a very valuable creature that couldn’t be exchanged for anyone else. Although I was completely rejected by my parents and abandoned, and although I was all wounded, breaking through this harsh world alone. Therefore, even if I was hard but not beautiful, there was no reason for such treatment.

At that moment.

Ithae’s phone vibrated. Ithae interrupted our tense confrontation and hurriedly checked the notification. As if it was the most important thing in the world.

Slightly raised corners of the lips.

He pressed his lips and started typing something on the phone, apparently replying to the message. Ithae was still smiling. Even if he tried to hide it, he couldn’t. I blinked, staring intently at Ithae. After finishing the reply, Ithae lowered the phone and looked at me again. With emotionless eyes from which the smile had disappeared. The smell of a stranger, seeping through the cracks in the air of a completely closed space.

This perfume, which I had often smelled on Ithae’s clothes lately.

Boom. I felt something heavy descend on my heart. My heart crashed to the bottom. I knew this feeling well. The bitterness of disappointment, although I didn’t expect anything. Resentment.

“Don’t say such disgusting things.”

“…I’m serious. Whatever I do, whoever I’m with, wherever I am and whenever I return, don’t ask. It feels like control and interference. I really don’t like it.”