Fatigue Syndrome: The Lassitude

I took a toothbrush full of toothpaste and stuck it in my mouth. The more I rubbed, the more foam formed. This is the sensation you brush your teeth for. Despite the exhausting work, I was struck by my radiant appearance. I in the mirror still looked damn cool. I tried not to swear after thirty. But what can you do if I’m so handsome that swear words just burst out.

Spitting out the foam, I vigorously brushed my tongue with the brush. The deeply inserted brush momentarily touched the uvula.

“Ugh.”

The esophagus narrowed as if I was about to vomit. I reflexively made retching movements several times and thoroughly rinsed my mouth. Only this rough way could make me feel freshness in my mouth. I washed my face and was about to wash my hair, but decided to do it tomorrow morning. After viewing new apartments, I quickly got tired.

I left the bathroom, but Ithae still hadn’t returned. I glanced at the front door for a moment, and then entered the room. If I start looking at apartments tomorrow, it’s better to go to bed early.

I no longer cared whether Ithae would come or not. Now we’ll become completely strangers to each other.

∞ ∞ ∞

I didn’t even remember when I fell asleep. It seems I fell asleep as soon as I put my head on the pillow. I woke up to the chirping of birds outside. This didn’t use to happen before. Lately, I’ve been sleeping less in the mornings. Is aging inevitable?

Carelessly ruffling my tangled hair, I looked to the side. Ithae was sleeping quietly, having returned at an unknown time. His hands were neatly folded on his stomach.

Looking at Ithae, I remembered the dream I had at night.

Although I tried not to think about it, in the dream appeared the scene when Ithae confessed his love to me. I couldn’t forget the season of that day, the temperature, and the sound of breathing. As if it was deeply imprinted in my heart. My heart tingled. We also had such a beautiful moment.

Sighing at the sight of us, who had already become uncles, I got out of bed. Although we can’t return to the past, morning exercise was necessary to preserve the body of that time as much as possible.

Feeling the warmth from the turned-on heating, I carefully left the room. Outside the window, everything was covered with snow. Hm, what’s this? My nose was very dry. I should have turned on the humidifier before going to bed. You see. There’s no one but me to take care of such things. It’s almost like living alone.

I headed to the balcony.

Opening the door, I was greeted by very cold air. I yawned widely and put on slippers. Ugh, it’s cold. The snow-covered dawn looked like a painting. I slightly opened the door. The cold wind sharply hit my face. I took the phone out of my pocket and took a selfie against the backdrop of the landscape.

#I’m_cool_waking_up_at_dawn

I posted an update on social media. It’s not easy to look this good in the morning. Although my face was a bit swollen, I was still handsome. My 50 thousand followers will diligently like it again. Satisfied looking at the post, I put the phone back in my pocket and brought my face closer to the window exhaling cold air. Snow. Snow again.

Hot breath turned into steam and flew away. Far, far away.

Yes, that day was also this cold and snowing.

∞ ∞ ∞

It was the day Ithae was discharged from the army.

The day when snowflakes fell on his short-cropped head. The day when I generously came out to meet Ithae, having been discharged earlier. Ithae came out of the unit in military uniform. Not feeling the cold, he walked straight towards me, and I joyfully greeted him, waving both hands.

Ithae’s face was frozen from the cold. His cheeks and the tip of his nose were red, and he was exhaling white steam. How funny to remember that the first thing he said when he saw me was “Aren’t you cold?”. It seemed he didn’t even think about his own appearance. And I was in a long down jacket and even with a scarf. As if he could be colder than me.

At that moment, snow-white snowflakes poured from the dark sky. The snow gently settled on Ithae’s short-cropped head. Red face, black hair, and white snow on it.

“Kyeoul.”

“…Huh?”

This delicate atmosphere.

Perhaps I intuitively felt that Ithae was going to confess to me. I couldn’t forget how hot Ithae’s gaze was, directed only at me. It was so bright that I could remember it at any moment.

“I like you.”

Without hesitation, Ithae confessed his love to me. It was a confession without any charm. Even the place was in front of the military unit. Nevertheless, I nodded to him. As if I had never thought of another answer.

Ithae’s face, tanned from army service, broke into a smile. How could I forget such a bright smile? As if enchanted by this smile, I hugged Ithae tightly.

For outsiders, it probably looked like an embrace of hot friendship. But I hugged you because I was really happy.

∞ ∞ ∞

That was already a thing of the past. Memories of that time won’t bring us back to that era. And our relationship won’t be restored either. Because we’ve come too long a way. Where did those young men go, who had only pure attachment to each other? From the cold wind, all bones ached.

“Ah, it seems I’ve really gotten old.”

With a sad feeling, I quickly closed the door. The photo for social media is taken. Now it’s really time to go for training. But is it right to go out? What if I slip, making my way through this snow, and break my back? I’m already at that age when bones heal poorly. And there’s no one else to take care of me.

I tightly closed the balcony door and went out. Rubbing the buttons of the old pajamas, I eventually took it off. There was no one to look, and even if someone saw, it didn’t matter. We already knew each other to the last wrinkle, what was there to be shy about? Maybe that’s why we got tired of each other?

I ran my hand over the firm abs and put on sports clothes over my head. Changing pants and quickly throwing on a down jacket, I easily finished preparations. Finally, the things prepared for rare days when I want to work out came in handy. Ugh, a man with excellent preparation, Choi Kyeoul. Cool, cool.

I stealthily glanced at the still quiet room. Ithae, who not only had fun yesterday but also drank, won’t wake up. He handled alcohol very poorly. That’s why he almost never drank with me.

…Probably, when I return from training, he’ll already be awake or long gone. I think he said he would commute to work with that junior colleague. Ithae and I haven’t commuted together for a long time. Since last spring. Although, in fact, everything changed since spring, so there was no point in looking for a starting point.

“Ugh!”

Warm-up is essential before going out in cold weather. The only exercise I knew was national gymnastics, so I raised my arms, relying on vague memories. Let’s start national gymnastics! Ta-ra-ra ta-ta. I sang to myself because if someone heard, it would be an embarrassing performance.

After roughly repeating the movements from school times, I went out the front door.

“…Have a good day.”

I uttered a greeting that won’t be heard. Anyway, when I return, I won’t see him. There aren’t many days left when I can say this greeting. I’ll shed all shackles and set out in search of freedom. Humming a quiet melody, I started walking. Somehow, the steps were much lighter than usual. As if I didn’t feel any regrets.

∞ ∞ ∞

When I returned home after a long run during which my nose turned red, it was the most suitable time to prepare for work. As I expected, Ithae wasn’t home. It seems he had a quick breakfast and left, leaving only a faint aroma of coffee. Looking at the empty dining table, I unzipped my down jacket. Petty bastard. Doesn’t he have a mouth? Although, now we’re almost strangers.

I immediately headed to the bathroom and quickly washed up. Since I went in only in underwear, coming out, I was in just my underwear. I vigorously wiped my wet hair with a towel, from which water was dripping.

Before, if I stood like this, Ithae would quickly bring a blanket and wrap me up. But that was really long ago. Just memories of it warmed and soothed.

I need to tell Ithae about the breakup sooner. So that these memories don’t fade. First, I need to find an apartment, and then tell him. This way, we can break up cleanly. I hated everything dirty. Like with ex-partners.

After breaking up, I never looked back. There were always clean breakups that both sides could understand. So much so that even if we accidentally met on the street, we could calmly greet each other.

I wonder how it will be with Ithae? This is the first time I’m breaking up after such a long relationship.

I inserted a capsule into the coffee machine and brewed espresso. I put two pieces of bread in the toaster and entered the room. A faint smell of alcohol emanated from the neatly made bed. I need to buy a new blanket. Actually, this dirty gray blanket didn’t reflect my taste either. I just gave in, for whom color didn’t matter much.

I took out a black coat and suit from the styler. If the presentation goes well today, I can take a vacation. There won’t be any urgent matters in the near future, and I’ve shown more than enough results, so no one will look askance. Now, it seemed I could fully focus on the apartment rental contract. I had a feeling that everything would go as planned.

∞ ∞ ∞

Even when I returned after work, nothing had changed compared to the morning. This meant that Ithae wasn’t home either.

“Little devil, it’s hard to even see your face.”

Actually, this was even good. Until I find an apartment, I had nothing to talk to him about. The relationship could easily break depending on the mood.

Hm-hm. I involuntarily started humming. I turned on rock music that Ithae didn’t particularly like. A powerful bass sound came from the speakers. This beat, this feeling. From the echoing drums, the heart also pounded. At such moments, you must shake your butt.

Taking off my coat, I started dancing, swaying my hips to the rhythm of the music. At some point, I stopped dancing in front of the alienated Ithae. Even the atmosphere became awkward.

Maybe that’s why everyone says loneliness is good? I liked the feeling of adrenaline explosion. Once I was so into rock that I even wore a T-shirt with the name of some British rock band. But all this stopped when I started dating Ithae.