Delusive Fate

#080

Unfair?

What’s so unfair? Lee Han-sol’s mind churned as if it had indigestion. “Why?” The question rose like bile, making his insides sting. So, what did I do wrong to you? What exactly is so unfair?

Lee Han-sol desperately tried to understand the story he had heard so far. Jung Yi-dam said that what he wanted was love. He said that the synonym for love was death. However, he said that until now, no one had died for him. That no one had granted his request to die… He said that was proof that he wasn’t loved.

‘But because I died…’

Because Lee Han-sol died. Because the insignificant Lee Han-sol, of all people, saved the esteemed Jung Yi-dam and died. Because he died calling Ki Baek-woo’s name…

‘That’s wrong?’

The story Jung Yi-dam laid out was like a pile of mismatched puzzle pieces. Lee Han-sol felt like the world was spinning before his eyes. It’s true that he only saw Ki Baek-woo. In his childhood, wandering the streets without a guardian, all he could do was endure. To endure, he needed something to hold onto. A buoy in the sea, a massive rock that wouldn’t fly away even in a typhoon. That’s what Ki Baek-woo was to Lee Han-sol. So of course he liked him. It was only natural to think that he couldn’t do without him, that he was too scared to live without Ki Baek-woo.

Lee Han-sol had lived for Ki Baek-woo for a very long time. If that was rather a sin against Ki Baek-woo, if Ki Baek-woo was judging Lee Han-sol because of this… He could have understood that.

‘Why… does this become a wrong against Jung Yi-dam?’

Why is Jung Yi-dam angry? Who is Jung Yi-dam to arbitrarily revere me, then arbitrarily criticize me, and now arbitrarily punish me? Why? And Ki Baek-woo… what?

Jung Yi-dam, leaning his chin slightly and smiling, looking at him. In Lee Han-sol’s distorted vision, even Jung Yi-dam’s face sitting directly across from him appeared pale as if diluted in water. He couldn’t understand. Lee Han-sol couldn’t judge what the purpose of Jung Yi-dam’s words was, whether it was all real or fake. He was just confused. Could Jung Yi-dam be crazy? If not, there’s no way he could say such nonsense so seriously. Or has my mental state reached an irreversible point where I’m seeing bizarre delusions disconnected from reality… No, I don’t know.

Lee Han-sol thought there must be a definite reason why his life had been ruined like this. He wanted to believe that. That this was a game world dominated by Jung Yi-dam, so he had no choice but to be swayed by the design of this vast world. That Jung Yi-dam and Ki Baek-woo were the Romeo and Juliet of this place, and Romeo and Juliet needed poison and a dagger to pierce the heart, so he was playing that role. That’s why it was inevitable to be miserable.

But if all of that wasn’t predetermined by the world from the beginning, saying that only I should suffer like this, but rather it was all a farce created by Jung Yi-dam…

Lee Han-sol could only open and close his lips slightly without saying anything. Jung Yi-dam smiled sweetly, gazing at Lee Han-sol as if savoring him. His sparkling eyes seemed joyful.

Why?

Are you enjoying that I’m shocked, that I’m just blinking stupidly, overwhelmed by your words? Why are you doing this to me?

Lee Han-sol’s world had been steadily shrinking until now. Like paper folded in half, then folded again, and again without purpose, it just kept getting smaller. Then at some point, it became so tiny that it couldn’t be folded anymore, and he thought, now it won’t get any smaller. So he was sure he wouldn’t feel like the world was turning upside down or collapsing anymore.

But as always, Lee Han-sol’s beliefs went unrewarded, and he suddenly felt as if he had been thrown into the middle of the universe. His world, which had been like crumbs, was completely swept away, and in an instant, he was wandering above a pitch-black black hole. He’s being sucked in. The pressure of feeling like he would be completely crushed weighed down on Lee Han-sol. In his confusion, he didn’t even notice Jung Yi-dam scrutinizing every detail of his face. It was overwhelming just to stammer out a few short words.

“I… I don’t understand.”

“You don’t understand?”

“What did I do wrong… Why to me, why?”

Jung Yi-dam continued in a sweet, gentle voice, smiling.

“I’ve been telling you all along. I kindly explained from beginning to end what you did wrong… Why are you asking again? Are you trying to make me angry?”

“Because I… liked Ki Baek-woo?”

Is that really the problem? Is that really why you made me like this, whether it’s a bug or whatever…? Did you really want to see how long I could be ruined because of Ki Baek-woo? Is that all? Tell me, quickly… It’s a lie, right? This is all fiction, right? You made it up, right?

Lee Han-sol barely managed to string together his scattered thoughts. He hoped Jung Yi-dam would say it was a lie. If it really was just for that reason, Lee Han-sol… didn’t know. He couldn’t even imagine what he should do in that case. If living and dying were just Jung Yi-dam’s amusements, then how exactly should he destroy himself? And, and…

What about Ki Baek-woo? Lee Han-sol just stared blankly at Jung Yi-dam, unable to attach any questions to that name. What about Ki Baek-woo…?

Jung Yi-dam forcibly made eye contact with Lee Han-sol, who was in a daze of confusion, his dry lips parting, eyelids blinking slowly. With a calm demeanor, he gently asked.

“Why? Would you like it to be fiction? Which part of what I said… would you like to be a lie?”

“You, you, that is, why to me…”

Jung Yi-dam answered naturally, as if he could see right through Lee Han-sol’s stupid floundering.

“Yes, that’s right. I was curious how long you would stick to Ki Baek-woo, but that’s not the only reason things ended up like this.”

Jung Yi-dam glanced at the table top. Lee Han-sol’s two hands, pale as paraffin, were resting on it, neither clenched into fists nor relaxed.

I want to touch them. Jung Yi-dam suddenly had that thought, so he covered the back of Lee Han-sol’s hands, where greenish veins were visible like small branches, with both of his hands. And stroking the white, soft back of his hands with his thumbs, he cleared his throat. Lee Han-sol was so focused on watching Jung Yi-dam about to speak that he momentarily forgot he should pull his hands away. Jung Yi-dam spoke.

“It’s just that you, Han-sol, are too bad of a person. I did have some stupid delusions at first about you being an angel or whatever… but actually, you seem closer to a devil than an angel. No, you are a devil.”

“……”

“It’s all your fault that I’ve become like this, Han-sol. If it weren’t for you, I probably would have been fine. I would have just lived however, even while loathing it. I would have conformed to the role given to me, as the world was made. If I did that, I might have found some happiness in it.”

Jung Yi-dam was scanning every inch of Lee Han-sol with a kind of wavering, affectionate gaze. Lee Han-sol was a little scared of that gaze. He felt a persistence as if, if he could, Jung Yi-dam would lay him down and closely observe every intimate detail.

“Because… everyone else lives similarly, except for you. Everyone lives without knowing what love is, what romance is. Their heads are filled with nothing but sex, and they live thinking that suspicion is the measure of affection. Everyone’s like that, Han-sol.”

“……”

“Except for you.”

If it weren’t for you, I wouldn’t have known they were wrong, and in the end, I would have mixed in with them and found my own happiness. I would have found a new meaning of purity and lived well in my own way. But because of you, I couldn’t do that. Han-sol, while you were giving everything to Ki Baek-woo, I learned deprivation because of you. The deprivation of not being able to love like that. Thirst, frustration, hunger, a sense of loss. Inferiority and betrayal.

Jung Yi-dam, who had bitterly reproached in a smooth and gentle tone. He grasped Lee Han-sol’s two hands, which he had been gently rubbing, and pulled them closer. Then he rested his forehead on Lee Han-sol’s long, slender fingers and sighed for a moment. Jung Yi-dam spoke again.

“That’s why. You gave me all sorts of bad things while you were busy loving Ki Baek-woo. If it weren’t for you, I would have lived without knowing frustration or emptiness. I wouldn’t have felt this strange anger that suddenly made me feel bored, annoyed, and even humiliated during the pursuit process that I repeated over a hundred times. Han-sol, you’ve ruined my life like this.”

“I…”

“Yes, you. You made me like this because of your precious love. You made a fool of me, saying your feelings were real love that had nothing to do with the system. Even when that trash Ki Baek-woo treated you so harshly, you remembered every bit of it and still went to him. You did that as if to show me…”

“Are you crazy? So what did I do wrong…!”

“You made me angry…. Why is it Ki Baek-woo until the end? Han-sol, do you know how angelic you were? You were really beautiful. You seemed to glow. But look at you now. You’re a mess. You endured to become a mess as if to show me. As if you were shouting at the top of your lungs that this is love…!”

Jung Yi-dam’s voice, which had started softly, gradually grew louder. The strength with which he gripped Lee Han-sol’s two hands also gradually increased. Lee Han-sol became scared of Jung Yi-dam, who was confidently spouting nonsense that he couldn’t understand at all. He felt pressured as the person who said he could manipulate the state of a supporting character like himself at will became excited without context. Lee Han-sol was confused enough without Jung Yi-dam acting like this. Enough…

“Han-sol, you treated me like a dog.”

“…What?”

“You looked at me like you were watching a dog drooling while meat was being grilled in front of it. You, you never gave it to me until the end.”

You had such an overflowing heart, but you never gave it to me until the end. That’s why. I can’t be the only one suffering. Why should I be the only one lonely? I’m the most precious person in this world, I definitely was, but in the end, I’ve changed like this. So, if you become just like me, you’ll eventually change too. After all, real love is all fake, created by the system. So you’ll change too. You’ll definitely change. When Lee Han-sol changes, Ki Baek-woo will change too. Acting like he’s lost a screw because of Lee Han-sol and following him to death, all of that will end too. There’s no such thing as love in this world. There shouldn’t be.

Jung Yi-dam, who had been muttering like a mantra for a while, suddenly closed his mouth. And he lifted his forehead that had been resting on Lee Han-sol’s hands, which he had been gripping tightly as if to crush them. The look in his eyes was strange. He finally let go of the hands he had been holding and said,

“At first, that’s why. You and Ki Baek-woo both annoyed me so much.”

“…Ha.”

“You’re angry. Don’t be angry. Let it out.”

Jung Yi-dam smiled very brightly at Lee Han-sol, who seemed to not understand his words at all. He cleared his throat softly and continued in a voice one octave higher. It was finally time to achieve his goal.

“I came to help you let out your anger. Aren’t you sick of living? I’ll let you end all this. I’ll let you take revenge.”

If you just listen to me, you can kill me. How about it? Do you feel like letting out your anger now?