Mute Words

The fact that I only liked men was determined in high school, and the process was simple and brutal – I found myself more interested in watching soccer boys run back and forth on the playground than in watching girls in short skirts jump in the gym.

I knew at that moment that I was gay.

Accepting that you are different is the easy part, getting others to accept it is the hard part.

When I was a sophomore in high school, a girl confessed her love for me, and I used to just say no, but this time I suddenly felt annoyed.

The hard work of pretending to be a different kind of person was annoying.

“I like guys.” So to get it over with, I just came out to the world.

The story quickly spread throughout the school, and even the principal was alarmed. The other party invited Bai Qifeng, smiled and said that I may be trying to attract the attention of adults before talking nonsense, it happens that sixteen or seventeen-year-old children are the most rebellious, if there is time, or hope that Bai Qifeng can take me back to communicate with me carefully, and patiently listen to the child’s heart.

Bai Qifeng’s position was not as high as it is now, but he was a big figure in Hai City. Because his son shamelessly declared that he was a homosexual and was invited by the school parents, this face is almost lost, waiting for no place, he was in the office with a black face and a slap thrown over.

He was in a real rage, and the slap on my face didn’t have the slightest retraction. I was hit so hard that my face went sideways, my ears buzzed, my cheeks burned, and the corner of my lip was gouged by my teeth.

“Disgraceful thing!” He pointed at me, “What the hell did your mother teach you? Huh? She just left you to your grandmother, didn’t she?”

I wiped the blood from my lips and listened silently as he cursed.

“If I had known you would turn out like this, I never would have given you to your mother!”

The headmaster panicked and cajoled, “Bai Bureaucrat, calm down, calm down, have a good talk, the child is still young and doesn’t know any better, don’t make a move.

I calmly looked at Bai Qifeng across the table, word for word: “When you and my mother divorced, I was just young, not amnesiac. You never fought for my custody, so what do you have to say about it? My mother is out of the house thanks to who? It wasn’t you.”

Jiang Xuehan and Bai Qifeng’s story, the second half of which I was personally involved in, I still have some impressions, the first half is just from my grandmother.

To put it simply, it’s a common story of a young lady and a phoenix man.

The young lady falls in love with a penniless phoenix man despite her family’s opposition. The phoenix man first need to Yue family help when everything is good, to his wife obedient, and then up, climbed a higher branch, kicked the Missy.

Miss struggled to get back in vain, learned that the phoenix man not only climbed the high branch, became a son-in-law, and even “high branch” is still pregnant, disillusioned among the child thrown to the elderly mother, their own look through the world, nuns to go.

In the words of the old lady, Bai Qifeng was only interested in my mother’s family background when he got together with her. This man only used my mother, he has no heart at all.

“How dare you talk back? Who’s the one being humiliated now? What I do with your mother is none of your business as a child?” Bai Qifeng, who had been contradicted by me in front of outsiders, became increasingly angry and said that he would go to the principal to beat me up.

“Don’t do it, don’t do it, everyone calm down!” The principal stood between me and Bai Qifeng, a fine layer of sweat already forming on his half bald head.

I pulled the corner of my mouth and sneered, “Then I’m ready to follow you, so lead me home.”

Bai Qifeng’s movements swayed and a hint of pain flashed in his eyes. We both knew that it was impossible for him to take me home, his wife would not agree, and his old husband would not agree either.

After a few moments of stalemate, he lowered his hand, straightened his lapel, and looked away.

“Easy for you to say, I’ll take you home, what will your grandmother do alone?” At this point, he still had to talk tough, with a look that it wasn’t that he didn’t want to take me home, it was just that he couldn’t bear the thought of my grandmother being alone.

I must say, he really knows how to portray himself as an innocent man.

Bai Qifeng drove me home that day without saying a word the whole way, and when I opened the door to get out of the car at the entrance to the neighborhood, he suddenly called out to me from behind.

He asked me if I was doing this because I hated him and was deliberately trying to get back at him and wipe him out.

He and his second wife have a daughter, but she does not have his surname.

Men like Bai Qifeng always seem to have an inexplicable obsession with their children taking their father’s name. With the mother’s surname, even if his genes are flowing in his body, as long as his surname is not his surname, then it is “someone else’s child.

Such a person, I heard that year my mother still adore his gentle and elegant style before with him, really see the spirit.

“No, I did not want to deliberately take revenge on you ……” I pushed open the car door to get out, but did not immediately close the door, but one hand holding the door, the other hand on the roof of the car, slightly leaned over to look at the man in the car, smiled and said, ”. Broken children and grandchildren are all your blessings.

Bai Qifeng just improved face suddenly black as the bottom of a pot, the muscles in the corner of the eyes are trembling, “You ……”

I did not wait for him to curse out, then vigorously slapped the car door, turned and ran.

In the matter of coming out of the closet, I very well inherited Bai Qifeng “As long as they are happy, care about others to die” ghost virtue. The Yan family, my grandma, and even Jiang Xuehan who practiced in Jizhu Temple, I treated them all equally and took the initiative to inform them of my sexual orientation.

Yan Chuwen’s mother, Chen Ivana, whom I called Aunt Ivana, and my mother, Jiang Xuehan, had been bosom friends for many years. Jiang Xuehan was abandoned by the scum, disillusioned among the nuns, Aunt Ivana advised and scolded, but to no avail, to my father did not kiss the mother did not want the child was born out of compassion, often invited me to participate in family activities, to give me a motherly care.

Aunt Ivana was always very tolerant of my half-child. Although the family was a little shocked, they accepted it well under Aunt Ivana’s control.

My grandmother came from a noble background and was educated in the West when she was young, but the only regret in her life was that she gave birth to my mother, a love brain. She was open-minded, but she was still surprised by me. But she did not scold me, just think it is the fault of adults, cried a lot, Bai Qifeng and Jiang Xuehan two people took turns to scold a lot, with me after a week of cold war, gradually also let go.

Jiang Xuehan still closed the temple door, focus on cultivation, I do not know whether I received the words delivered.

After coming out, my life is not different. The people I care about don’t care whether I’m gay or not, and the people who care about it don’t care. Since I didn’t care, it didn’t hurt me. In addition, the pressure of studying increased in the sophomore year of high school, I was focused on preparing for exams, there is no time to pay attention to the other side, the cold eyes and pain brought by coming out just quietly passed me by.

The cold and the summer, I and Yan Chuwen got into the same school, but he is the law school, and I am the art school. The dormitories of the two faculties are not together, but they are not far from each other, crossing a road to get there.

I remember, it was the second week of freshman year, everything is on track, thinking about quite a long time not seen Yan Chuwen, I sent him a message, go to the dormitory to find him dinner.

Yan Chuwen and I have been friends, the relationship has been good, but also the senior year of school tight, fell a year not much contact.

The dark corridor, Yan Chuwen their dormitory door half open, inside the quiet, can not hear a little movement.

Before listening to Yan Chuwen said, he was divided into two rooms, only one roommate, not a person who loves to talk. I subconsciously thought that the other party is another Yan Chuwen 2.0 – wearing glasses, thin body, Siswenwen, open and close mouth academic research.

Wan did not expect, each other do not wear glasses and not thin, even …… a little different from a nerd.

The weather in September, although the heat is no longer, the fire to the west, but the imperial capital more or less still retains some of the dryness of summer. Fair complexion of the teenager black hair like ink, eyebrows and eyes colorful, wearing a button button to the top of the white shirt, clearly a game a big face, hard to be worn by him out of a few points of people do not approach the sense of forbidden desire.

Wear so tight, not hot?

Just so think, hear the voice, the man will be half lifted in front of the book down, raised his eyes to look over.

“…… Looking for someone?” His face turned around, and only then did I see that he was still wearing a lapis lazuli stud in his left earlobe.

“I’m looking for Yan Chuwen, I’m his friend.” Scanning the room and not seeing Yan Chuwen’s figure, I walked into the dormitory room and flashed a friendly smile at the teenager, “And you are?”

Hearing that I am Yan Chuwen’s friend, the expression on the other person’s face loosened, “He poured the water to go, I am his roommate ……,” he paused slightly, “You can call me Mochuan.”

Later, I realized that he was so alert when he first met me because he thought I was one of those people in his department who would find all kinds of excuses to harass him.

There are no impermeable walls in the world, and even though it wasn’t actively mentioned, the fact that he was the next Oracle of the Cenglu Tribe spread. Coupled with the fact that he was such a handsome man, since the beginning of the school year, someone would suddenly knock on his dorm door from time to time. Or ask him for contact information, or treat him as a life coach to talk about ideals, and worse, even want to treat him directly as a research object, living material.

He is not annoyed do not know, but Yan Chuwen is indeed deeply disturbed. So comrade Yan a complaint to the department head there, said his rest has been seriously affected, minority compatriots’ privacy is not guaranteed, asked the department head to make a statement.

The department head took it very seriously and held a meeting with the class leaders the same day, and only after that did they finally regain the cleanliness.

“My name is Baiyin.” I held out my hand and asked a question that most people would ask at first sight, “Are you mixed blood?”

Other than that, that excellent T-zone brow bone alone was something no ordinary Xia people could have.

He stared at my hand for a long time without looking back or moving.

I followed his gaze and responded with my palm facing up, “Ah, it’s not a wound, it’s a scar from when I fell as a child.

My right hand has a bright red vertical scar from the root of my palm to the center of my palm, I forget exactly but it seems I fell when I was four or five years old and when it grows back it looks like a fresh wound when I look at it closely.

“No, I’m a Cenglu tribe.” The teenager said as he reached out with a slightly cooler warmth and shook it gently before letting go.

I realized, “No wonder.

After that, I sat across from Yan Chuwen’s chair and waited for him to return, Mochuan continued to lean back and read, and the room was quiet once again.

Yan Chuwen was right, this roommate of his really wasn’t talkative.

Boredly, he played with his cell phone, and every now and then, he patted the back of the teenager across from him.

Is the Cenglu tribe …… the one in Shannan? I seem to have been there with them and Yan Chuwen. Impressive and remote and backward, but also particularly barbaric, this kind of place even from a college student ……

A pair of painful and merciless eyes appeared in my mind. After so many years, I have long forgotten what that teenager looked like back then, only remembering that it must have been a very beautiful face. As I stared at Mochuan’s broad shoulders and the white part of his neck that was exposed because he was looking down at his book, I thought that he could be as beautiful as the one in front of me.

Suddenly, my cell phone rang softly, and the incoming ring tone brought my thoughts back to reality.

“Hello?”

A cute male voice came from the other end of the phone, “Where are you? I’m not in class, want to meet for lunch?”

“In my friend’s dorm room, I said I’d eat with him later.” I looked up at Mochuan and saw that he was still concentrating on his book, unaffected by me, so I didn’t deliberately avoid him.

“Which friend? From our school?”

I gave a low ‘hmm’.

“So I’m coming too?” The other man tried cautiously.

I don’t have a problem with it, but I have to ask Yan Chuwen first: “I’ll ask, I’ll give you the news later.”

“Okay!” He lowered his voice and let out a “mu ah” sound, “Love you ~”

Honestly, the other party called what looks like I have long forgotten, only remember that it seems to be a baby face, freshmen military training on the acquaintance, bold to accost me, ask me if I’m single, do not want to look around.

I happened to be Bai Qifeng annoyed to death at that time, the heart of the reverse together agreed. However, this relationship to maintain a very short, dating not three months on the separation. He mentioned, said I can not give him a sense of security.

Hang up the phone, indoors only a fine book page turning sound.

A heartbeat, I flopped on the back of the chair, ghostly asked, “Mochuan, do you want to go to dinner with us?”

Anyway, one more is more, two more is more.

The flipping sound abruptly stopped, and Mochuan tilted his head slightly with a certain surprise on his face. But soon the surprise disappeared and was replaced by a polite but distant smile.

“Thanks, but no, you go eat.”

I was afraid he would think I was being polite to him, so I persuaded him two more times, “Let’s go together, just a casual dinner.”

“I really don’t need to.”

Seeing that he really didn’t want to, I had no choice but to give up, “Okay, then we’ll get together next time we have a chance.”

As soon as the words fell, Yan Chuwen entered the door on the other end, carrying a kettle.

“You’re here so early? I was just about to call you.” He put the kettle under the windowsill and said, “Let’s go eat at the one across the street from the west gate.

I got up, “Do you mind adding someone later?”

“Who?”

“A friend.”

Yan Chuwen was shocked, “It’s only been two weeks since school started and you already have a boyfriend?”

I raised my eyebrows, “Why? Is there a rule in our school that freshmen are not allowed to fall in love?”

“Not really, it’s just that you’re leaving too soon.” Yan Chuwen said with urgency, “I’m not prepared here either……. How about at least giving me a day’s notice? I can still go and buy a meet and greet gift.”

I took a few steps over to hook Yan Chuwen’s neck and laughed, “Just casually eat a meal, you dirt or not ah also a meet and greet gift, do not want to hand you a post beforehand ah?”

He held his crooked eyes and said, “That would be the best.

The two of us talked and laughed as we walked out, and when we were almost at the door, Yan Chuwen seemed to think of something and suddenly stopped in his tracks.

“Mochuan, would you like to have dinner with us?”

“I …… “I was about to open my mouth to tell him that I had just invited myself when my gaze shifted and collided with the teenager’s slightly cool gaze.

Mochuan and I met eye to eye without warning, and it might have taken less than a second for the other to look away, but I still saw something in his eyes that I was familiar with.

It wasn’t the same as the initial, unrelated stare; it was a subtle scrutiny, with strict criteria that only he himself understood, but in a matter of moments he was sorting me into categories and labeling me.

“No.” He smiled at Yan Chuwen and said, “It’s not appropriate.”

That’s the label for ‘deviant’.